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Old 01-29-2006, 08:15 AM   #1
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Hi everyone! I'm new here...

I do not have a diagnoses for Bipolar but I'm scared I may be bipolar II. For as long as I can remember I've known something is seriously wrong with me. I do not feel normal but I am very good at hiding for fear of people judging me and because I'm scared everyone will abandon me.

I had a very severe depression when I was 15. I attempted suicide 3 times. I was put on prozac after the first attempt but it made me worse. I was very agitated and still depressed. I signed myself into a psych ward so they would not commit me. I signed myself out the next day. I am so angry with my parents for not helping me get the treatment I needed. I only saw a psychiatrist a handful of times. I saw a fabulous counsellor who actually suggested bipolar but then again I only saw him about 2 times before I was cut off. After I left the hospital my parents did not continue with counselling.

I was a very hyper, wild kid. I had innapropriate behaviour and lot's of risk taking. I was very sexually active and used a lot of drugs.

Now, I suffer from severe anxiety and depression. My problem is I hide the depression mostly because it isn't as severe as when I was a teen. I do not contemplate suicide but I hate how I feel. I always tell the dr that I'm not depressed because when I see her it is to deal with the anxiety. I also don't want her to prescribe an anti depressant because I don't do well on them. I had the worst experience on Celexa. I thought I was dying after 1/2 a pill. I'm med phobic. Lorazepam is the only that helps so far but I can't take it all the time because my dr. doesn't like to prescribe it.

I have a lot of moodswings. I can't figure myself out because of them. Sometimes I am so irritable and angry I will scream until I'm hoarse. And usually I'm this angry for no reason. I feel great remorse and guilt when I do this. As I said I suffer from bad anxiety and my thoughts whirl and whirl. Sometimes I can't get through one thought without jumping to another. I still suffer some hyperness but not like when I was a teen. Somedays I am so productive I'll get tons done around the house. Other times all I want to do is sleep and it's so hard to get anything done. I don't have a good sex drive anymore. I was wild when I was a teen but only rarely do I feel very adventurous in bed. When I do it only lasts a few days. Most the time I feel like crying during sex. Insomnia isn't a huge issue. I suffer from it sometimes but not often. When I do it's because I can't stop thinking. I will take a lorazepam to help this. I go through spells though when I will wake up much earlier than I need to and can't get back to sleep.

I am not a very social person but when I do socialize I am a motormouth. I often dominate the conversation and fill all the silences. I can't stop. Afterwards I will feel stupid for it. I feel like people find me annoying and don't like me. I have like hyper speech almost and I can't control it even though I try to listen.

I go through periods where I can't get away from this darned computer or something else that interests me. Then I could care less for it. I also have something my family calls spring fever. I seem to get more hyper and active in the spring. Mostly in the winter I like to nap but still suffer anxiety.

I am so aweful about opening up to my doctor. I'm scared she'll think I'm faking. Yesterday I typed a 3 page letter detailing my mental health. Tomorrow though I'll probably feel good and erase it. She has asked for my previous records but I have been reluctant to give it to her. It's like I want help but then chicken out because I'm scared it will ruin my life. Does this make sense? Any input would be greatly appreciated. Thankyou.

Crissi

 
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Old 01-29-2006, 08:57 AM   #2
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Denco HB User
Re: Hi everyone! I'm new here...

That sounds similar to me and I'm type 2 as well.
I know It's hard talking to a doctor about it, I was really scared when I told my doc, I thought he would commit me and take my son away, but he was really understanding and listened and asked me a few questions.
Maybe if you take your post to your doc, she can read how you're feeling and then you wont have to talk to her, perhaps she'll give you a refferal...
good luck!

 
Old 01-30-2006, 06:05 PM   #3
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Re: Hi everyone! I'm new here...

Now, I suffer from severe anxiety and depression. My problem is I hide the depression mostly because it isn't as severe as when I was a teen. I do not contemplate suicide but I hate how I feel. I always tell the dr that I'm not depressed because when I see her it is to deal with the anxiety. I also don't want her to prescribe an anti depressant because I don't do well on them. I had the worst experience on Celexa. I thought I was dying after 1/2 a pill. I'm med phobic. Lorazepam is the only that helps so far but I can't take it all the time because my dr. doesn't like to prescribe it.

Tell your doc you are depressed, this is really crucial. You prob need an anti-psychotic like Lamictal which is not an antidepressent. Abilify may also be an option. Most important thing here: tell your doc..


I am not a very social person but when I do socialize I am a motormouth. I often dominate the conversation and fill all the silences. I can't stop. Afterwards I will feel stupid for it. I feel like people find me annoying and don't like me. I have like hyper speech almost and I can't control it even though I try to listen.

I am too, this is me in manic phase, I ALWAYS feel bad, but don't beat yourself up over it! You are an ok person with a problem that you are trying to get control of. If people do not understand, you don't need them as freinds!


I am so aweful about opening up to my doctor. I'm scared she'll think I'm faking. Yesterday I typed a 3 page letter detailing my mental health. Tomorrow though I'll probably feel good and erase it.


Please, show this to your doc, it could help! Tell her your aversion to antidepressants so she can find other options!

B.Y.

Keep posting! We care!

 
Old 02-03-2006, 03:11 AM   #4
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Re: Hi everyone! I'm new here...

Welcome aboard.
Post and keep posting. It lets the stress out.
__________________
God Bless

Mudhound

 
Old 02-03-2006, 06:26 AM   #5
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barbaric_yawp HB User
Re: Hi everyone! I'm new here...

fifty: How have you been???

B.Y.

The spotted hawk swoops by and accuses me, he complains of my gab and my loitering.
I too am not a bit tamed, I too am untranslatable,
I sound my barbaric YAWP over the roofs of the world.

 
Old 02-06-2006, 09:55 AM   #6
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fiftylager HB User
Re: Hi everyone! I'm new here...

Thank-you for your replies. I have been up and down.. Don't know how I'm going to feel from one day to the next. I wrote a letter to my dr. and hope I am brave enough or actually feeling like giving it to her. Sometimes I think I should cause I feel bad other times I think I'm being ridiculous. I just don't even know what I think most the time. My head feels messed up.

Crissi

 
Old 02-07-2006, 07:00 AM   #7
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barbaric_yawp HB User
Re: Hi everyone! I'm new here...

Fifty--just checking in, hope you are having an up day today...if not, come poor your heart out, maybe you would feel better..

 
Old 02-08-2006, 01:27 PM   #8
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fiftylager HB User
Re: Hi everyone! I'm new here...

Thank-you so much. I have been feeling really on edge and out of it. I wake up feeling anxiety but not too too bad then I generally go to depression then I go through the racing thoughts. Normally I eat and sleep too much but for the past week I haven't been very hungry. Usually lunch fills me up. My sleep is disrupted and I'm having lot's of vivid dreams. When I wake up I feel bad. I've been so irritable that I've been popping an ativan before the kids get home from school so they don't have to deal with a yelling mommy.

I'm freaking out today because I dropped a letter off at my dr's for her to read before my appt next week. Somehow in my mind I feel I've made a big mistake. When I was a teenager and asked for help it was so slow coming that I lost hope and tried to off myself. I'm so impatient because feeling this way is so terrible. I want to feel better now. I feel, kind of light headed and off but at least I'm not a raving person right now. Thanx for your post!

Crissi

 
Old 02-08-2006, 02:47 PM   #9
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barbaric_yawp HB User
Re: Hi everyone! I'm new here...

I'm freaking out today because I dropped a letter off at my dr's for her to read before my appt next week. Somehow in my mind I feel I've made a big mistake. ...

I think you did the right thing, don't get down on yourself. I would have done this if I had not been able to express my problems to the doc. I think it will help open her mind to your issues so that she can help you better. I would have written a letter also, so don't feel like you did the wrong thing. Please keep us posted!

B.Y.

 
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