Hello There B.Y
I am ok thanks, just been reading heavily lately. I havent heard about the job yet, but as the Manager there thought I was too academic and eccentric, I dont hold much hope. This touched a nerve that I would rather have left sleeping. Anyway Im focusing on keeping my mind active so have written some more of my book and read lots of others.
I hope you are well, sorry if I worried you.
No worries Noni, sorry to hear about the job situation. Don't let it get you down. I am also an eccentric--sometime people don't get it. To me being an eccentric means we think outside the box, making us more creative, cleaver, etc.
I never did like eccentric, the meaning more so, Unconventional, slightly strange, weird, uncommon, freaky, etc. I dont think it anyones place when I have presented myself in a professional light to be faced with a comment such as that. Think it but certainly dont say it. Some people are proud to be eccentric and use it graciously to their advantage, however when it seems to be the root of your loneliness, misunderstanding, heartache and pain, to have it reitorated and reinforced is like twisting that knife thats constantly in place between the shoulder baldes. A plug that holds in all that hides inside.
I am so low at the minute, nothing is pleasing me, I have no particular interest and am flitting from objects of thought desire, until I realise it has no positive affect. I'm miserable, sad and loanly, with no tears left to cry and no idea just how or when this will illiminate itself, fizzle out and simmer gently on the remants of the ashes of my life. I'm drawing all my stored precious thoughts of all that fuels my happiness, scenes of hills, mountains, greenery,
oceans of deep aqua blue, skies filled with cotton wool like clouds, that gently tease the sun in a calming breeze that carries a sweet heavenly smell. The sound of children laughing and singing, along with crunching autumn leaves underfoot. Church bells rythmically tolling in the distant on a quiet sunday morning, whilst i lay in my warm comfortable safe bed with coffee and a crossword. I dont see or hear any of it though in my REAL life its all pretend, virtual reality. What I do encounter and feel is all diverse, dismal, unhappy, negative etc. Its bad news and dark clouds, endless darkened skies, cars beeping horns, people barging into you. This is so depressing of me sorry, I hope you are well. Its great to have some vice, a place to come and empty my load of muck, the corners of my mind that have all merged and seemingly taken over!!!
my pysc has signed me off because i missed an appointmnet, one of my problems (due to a specific occurrence in my life) is that I find it extremely difficult to abide to anything; appointment, meeting etc for a couple of valid reasons and ones accpeted, understood and known of to my doctors. The whole process has to initiate itself once more and I dont have the energy at all to do it. Can they not see this is not a lunchoen meeting i missed but one in connection with my mental illness, my life, my head, ME. It wasnt purposeful or through neglect or lack of care but in relation to the very reason for my appointment. This heightens my misery.
I will go before I spill out more. You are in my thoughts (the nice ones)!!!
Ok, I am back. I did not think that from my vantage point that I could cheer you up. I KNOW how it is to be controlled by BP, and HATE those times. Really, not a single person can tell you to ‘buck-up’ bc you just plain can't—you are a slave to the chemicals coercing through your system. So, I thought I would send some jokes over, hope this helps and you are not too offended:
So the drag queen walks into a Catholic church as the priest is coming down the aisle swinging the incense pot and he says to the priest, "Oh, honey, I love your dress, but did you know your handbag's on fire?"
Two Baptist ministers are talking about the immorality of the country today, and one of them says, "I didn't sleep with my wife before I was married. How 'bout you?" And the other says, "I don't know. What was her mai%en name?"
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
I don't know.
"It's cute, but can you really breathe through that thing?"
Why are women's brains cheaper than men's brains?
Because women's are used.
What do you call a man who's lost 75% of his intelligence?
So what's the difference between a Norwegian and a canoe?
Well, a canoe will sometimes tip.
Yo momma's so fat, when she hauls a%#, she has to make two trips.
Laughing yet? If not, I am sure I can come up with some Euro. jokes, which I know you can relate with.
Last edited by barbaric_yawp; 02-03-2006 at 08:31 AM.
Yip i'm smiling, I like them all especially the drag one!!! After picking my son up yesterday I took him for dinner then we went to our fav book shop (the only thing of culture around here)!! Had a chat with the man that runs it, nice chap, although he said he is moving, not doing to much turn over here. Then we went for Daisy May and when I had strapped her in car she was saying "Go to Grannies, Please"! So I thought stuff it and off we went. I had bought a bottle of wine, to compliment one of my new books so ended up sharing it with my outlaws friend (who is staying with her at the mo). I laughed as thats what I do in company, turn it all into a joke, make people smile, and hold their sides, gives me grrreeaaatttt pleasure . Hubby came, wife happy = sad face (for him) Off home straight back to how I was.
One had been thinking previously about home life/married life/ life in general and come to the conclusion that all of forementioned were contributing to my way of feeling. Noted all EXTERNAL forces, next thought, would I be any happy in a different life?? So I dream up possibilities and the thought gives me pleasure, but I revert to the times acheived and failed (leaving). I end up just as miserable and coming back????? I know I can be happy as I am happy in good company etc, certain places lift me. I just hate been at home. How bloody awful is that? I know that since my daughter I have worsened, she is so difficult, demanding, tiresome, yes just like any child but she does have an edge. I used to be happy even through my sadness, but I cant manage that at home now, none of what I do is anywhere near what makes me happy, my life is completley that of someone elses surley? For I would certainly have never ever chose it. I like countryside, scenery, incense, oils, walks in the park, evenings in with friends, reading, dressing how I LIKE, Being a part of something wholesome, fulfilling. I have none, and that I dont understand, I am strong, determined, powerfully minded, intelligent, oh yes I see all the things that are not reflected so they must have fizzled out. Its all too frightening so I carry on as facing the truth is, well something I will stick to doing on here.
I hope your well, thanks so much for your kind heart, keep the jokes coming and keep well too.
I sincerely hope that your little one is feeling a bit better now. Just as I hope that you yourself are ok. Me at the moment well, raw raw nerve rattling, peircing, REAL feelings have electrified my mind, body and soul. I have connected with the world outside my door and now i'm in retreat, hiding, shying away from all that I want, all that makes me happy but I know is wrong. I belong here, this is my home, my bed has been made by me and I will lay in it. Unhappiness, discontentment, sadness, misunderstanding the yearning for all that I desire............. Never will I be happy because I am not normal. I have immense feelings of guilt over everything and I truly cannot deal with them so I try desperatley to seclude myself because I know that one day I will not be able to resist and I will get on that train with no particular destination, and definatley no return. Behind me will be a trsil of disaster that even I will not be able to repair. Am I making sense?? How ever did I get to this stage in my life? My god I dont know. I shall go. Please forgive me, today I am, well someone else, fighting myself.
I am so sorry you are feeling so low, send me more of your thoughts and I will try to help where I can...one thing I would suggest is making a list of the things you have done RIGHT in your life--you need to give yourself a little credit here. Did all this start with not getting that job??
Sorry to bother u again, my spelling maybe bad i am noy in complete control toay. It was not the rejection of the job by no means, it was the remarks that reververated round my mind that is constantly full of these insults. \\\\\\\\\\it doent make it any eaier when in going through a period off disacotiatiom.I am currently spending all my time in bed on lorazapam and librium in the hope of sleeping deeply and waking to the better side of me. Lists, positivness etc are abd wikk bot happen until i have refainedf some source of responsibility. UI hope u are well, and orayfor you and yours,
Thank u 4 ur continued spport.
I TOTALLY understood, if you have not noticed MY spelling is worse than yours, esp. when I use more than 2 sylable words!! You are a beautiful chat buddy and would not miss your communications for the world.
I am currently taking your advice by loving my child by gathering the energy to do silly things with him (know what I mean sista'?).
Do you feel up to posting your strengths here? I have seen them shine through, but I think if you wrote them here they would become more tangible to you.. And you must know I will draw from them your wisdom, which this disease does NOT allow you to recognize.
That post got me thinking!!! Strenghts, erm yes there are some there somewhere. I tend to draw from them when i venture out into the right company, people tell me i am a people magnet, a shining happy soul with deep meaningful eyes that seem to express a truth, a realism that i am more than what i look to be. I have made a few friends of late whom for some reason i have told of my BP and other issues, they say it explains alot and they seem to think i hold it together well!!!! They think I am hillarious and barmy and full blown mad, but in a nice way. I only open up and give myself in whole to true people, ones who i know are real and not there to take a piece of my jig saw puzzle away but to add one or maybe slot the missing one in!!! I love to write poetry and do so like a force has the pen and I am just the person in which it flows through. Reading is another love, but they are mine, things i hold to me, secrets inside, people and life are my REAL love. To look into someones eyes and see the soul (if they r true), to feel the happiness exude from another, to hear laughter, genuine deep down belly roaring laughter caused by you or someone in your company. To extract as much info as possible and use it wisely. The mind is the most beautiful, amazing, powerful part of us, money doesnt make the world go round, neither does love or any other material possesssion. The brain, the grey matter, it generates every single thing, thought, feeling,emotion, question, answer, want, needs, likes, dislikes, personality, self, well being, the basis of all relationships, friendships, love, life, work. I love minds and exploring, questioning, why take an answer simply because someone says, examine, think use what you have been born with, gifted with. Further yourself, read, study, ask, enquire. God im off on one now!!!!!
You do all the funny happy childish crazy loving things with your child, treat him like a man in a childs body, embrace, teach, nuture and give him your very self, the one whom I come here especially to speak with. You are a kind gifted soul and even though i dont know u or wot u look like i seem to be connected with your mind, through these words that we write, this screen, the computer. God bless take care and thank you
Well I was on one that day wasnt I?!
Bit down today, my husband is in hospital with a blood clot, they admitted him last night. I know deep inside he will be ok, but this is a really bad time all round and I have to draw strength and look after my family as he would... I hope you are well, not heard from you for a while.