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Old 02-09-2006, 08:14 AM   #1
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Question Is he BP? Please help!

I'm new here, and almost out of hope/options. This is quite a long story, so I will try to get the main points out via short sentences--sorry, as this is not normally how I speak...

Been with husband for 7 years (3 years dating, 4 married). Have two children of my own. He has custody of his two children. One big, happy family until 2 years ago. Stepson has been diagnosed with ADHD since age 3. (Stepkids' mother is a drug user and abandoned them after divorcing from my husband, and has clinically been diagnosed with BP but refuses to take her meds. We have long suspected stepson had an attachment disorder due to abandonment. Tried ADHD/depression medications and counseling for stepson but nothing works and he refuses to talk.) Two years ago, stepson starting fires in my house as well as at his grandmother's house--showed/displayed no remorse and refused to apologize to anyone for his dangerous behavior. It took threatening my husband I would leave him, in order to him to admit stepson to a psych ward for 6 days. (Husband did not want to admit stepson due to fire setting because he had the same fire-setting behaviors/drug behaviors as a teen, thus dealing with stepson would admit he had the same problems as stepson does.) Right after this, stepson also lied to all of husband's family about husband and (especially) me, physically abusing him, which husband's family believed (stepson is very convincing when he lies). Husband refused to stand up to his family (in my defense) or so much as make his son admit he lied to his family (as an ongoing result, husband's family now doesn't even acknowledge our other 3 children's existence.) Found out at that time, husband's father had been diagnosed years ago (he is dead now), with schizophrenia. Stepson also spread these lies around our little town, resulting in one of the parents apologizing to stepdaughter for the "horrible home environment she lives in", which angered stepdaughter. Stepson also started stealing from kids at school, bringing knives to school, and pulled a BB gun to his biological sister's face (at biological mom's house), etc. I finally hit the point that I could no longer live in fear of my other kids' safety, and asked husband to send stepson live with biological mother (even knowing it wasn't in stepson's best interest, but in the best interest of my family as a whole). When we finally asked stepson if he planned on stopping this endangering behavior, he admitted "no" and that "he was doing it so he could live with his biological mom". (Biological mom lets him run all day, never knows where he is, never disciplines him, etc., so no-brainer that stepson wanted to live with her.) I question very seriously if stepson is BP.

Now that you have background, here is how the problem is manifesting now. Tried to encourage husband to get counseling in order to deal with "loss of stepson"--he refused. I had my IT guy at my house (I work from home), setting up my new computer and husband got jealous. The weekend after this, my husband made up (and self-admitted) a lie that my sister-in-law was all over him at a poker game that husband, my brother and my sister-in-law participated in--touching my husband inappropriately, not letting my husband leave when he wanted to, etc. This caused a great rift in my family, because I believe my husband and confronted my brother and sister-in-law together (which I believed their version of the story, at that time). Then, my husband admits it was all a lie. He first blamed this behavior on his physically abusive childhood, then it was the way we met (I was separated but not divorced), then something else, and the list goes on, but never accepting any fault of his own, other than to "make me jealous". He then admits to me that "he has always known I would leave him, it was just a matter of when" (I would think after all this time, he would trust me more than that?). Husband also admitted he has been checking my e-mail, caller ID on home phone, my cell phone, etc.!

He has accused me of having an affair, gets jealous over me getting my hair done or buying makeup, etc. (He admits low self-esteem but this does not explain a lot of his behavior.) He has had several incidents with getting physical with our girls in the past 4 years--not beating them black and blue but pinning up against the wall by throat, throwing hot cups of coffee at them, smacking them in the mouth, grabbing them by the arm leaving red marks, etc. (in thinking about this recently, I can recollect 10 instances with stepdaughter and one of my daughters this has happened to.) Then, last night, he got mad at stepdaughter and came up out of his chair and drew his fist back at her. I yelled at him not to touch her and he sat down. As the conversation continued, he got upset and did it again. I packed up all the girls and left for a few hours. My dad was very physically abusive to my brother growing up--I never received the brunt of the physical abuse. I know this behavior/loss of control is wrong but my husband doesn't act nearly as bad as my dad did. I need someone to help define a clear physical abuse line for me, as I just cannot.

We tried family counseling--he proceeded to get the female counselor to feel sorry for him after explaining his abusive childhood. The next session, I was angry and trying to tell her he was blaming me for what he lied about and kept changing his story on (my sister-in-law), and manipulated the counselor into getting angry with me--I ended up leaving the room and waiting in our vehicle. My kids were in a different room at the time, and came into the session after that, which the counselor proceeded to blame my girls for different incidents that had occurred between them and my husband. Counselor also verbally attacked stepdaughter, which husband did not defend stepdaughter (stepdaughter holds lots of resentment for this.) Husband is a master manipulator and managed to not take ANY blame for anything incident during that whole session. He later admitted to me that "yes, that is what he did", and did it so nothing would be focused onto him. Yet, to this day, he still refuses to apologize to any of us, or tell the counselor. He has since started individual therapy with a different male counselor, because I refuse to go with him again. He has started treating our girls unfairly since the 14-months stepson has been living with his biological mother (husband gets on girls for things they "might be doing" but won't so much as confront stepson on the fact we know he has been smoking {stepson is 14}, has less patience with them whereas he did not before, etc.). In addition, we have had lots of money "disappear" lately in our checking (husband can't explain this, and he solely takes care of the account/bills).

Just wondering if husband's behavior might be BP. I thought the best route (since counseling hasn't worked), would be from some real-life experienced individuals. Any thoughts/comments would be appreciated!

 
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Old 02-09-2006, 08:47 PM   #2
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Re: Is he BP? Please help!

Well, i'm not a doctor so can't tell you if your husband is Bipolar. But define abuse for you. OK.... if you can't see it, re-read your post again,it's all over the place.Yes your husband is mentally ill,no one in thire right mind act's like this.He's controlling you, and grabs the girls by the throat! He needs more then therapy. How do you even know he's being honest this time in therapy? He should be in Anger management also. Your so abused by him,you can't even see it. Stay safe,& get help for yourself. Either leave him or get therapy for yourself as to why you stay married to him.


cagedbird

 
Old 02-10-2006, 06:30 AM   #3
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Re: Is he BP? Please help!

Thanks for the insight. After submitting this thread, I went on to read some of the other threads and my heart poured out to these people. I broke down and cried. Finally, after 2 solid years, I let it out. I called my doctor, printed out my post and took it to her. She told me the same thing you did and gave me hotline numbers, etc. She said I took the first step and that I needed to finish it. I thank God that I knew I could no longer be objective and sought help from a professional. Please add me to your prayer list, as I have to finish this tomorrow. Thank-you.

 
Old 02-10-2006, 06:37 AM   #4
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Re: Is he BP? Please help!

...Also, I don't believe he is being honest with his new counselor. That is why I tried family counseling first--so I would be there to assess if he was manipulating a professional and being honest. Obviously, he did manipulate the counselor, and the ignorant counselor wasn't smart enough to see it, in addition to "taking his side" (big no-no for a professional to do)! I know my husband has serious control issues/anger management problems, and I will not harbor the responsibility for them any longer. I can't.

 
Old 02-10-2006, 07:46 PM   #5
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Re: Is he BP? Please help!

As I read your post it really hit home. I too am in the same type of a marriage,not a very good one. My husband is a lot like your's. He has driven me to anxiety,depression,and I have been DX with bipolar. Now my Pdoc after treating me for 6 year's for Bipolar thinks I might not be,and feel's I'm emotionally abused. He think's my husband is bipolar and has driven me nuts.So now I'm in therapy to find out what my deal is,and husband is now medicated. I'm still medicated and trying to heal this marriage of 25 year's. I too have # for shelter's,I may have to use one if he doesn't shape up. So I can really relate to how you feel as I'm in your shoe's. All I can say is Stay safe,and be carefull he doesn't get wind of what your doing if you leave him. I'm very carefull,because you never know. Good luck in whatever you decide to do,just be safe.

cagedbird~

 
Old 02-13-2006, 06:46 AM   #6
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Re: Is he BP? Please help!

Can I ask why you have stayed (even after your Pdoc thinks you may not be BP, but your husband is)? One thing I do realize--things will NEVER change unless both parties are truly willing to try. So, in essence, you cannot heal your marriage alone.

I can't thank you enough for your response. I must say I was a little disappointed that there isn't a whole lot of information on spouses dealing with a BP spouse on here (unless, of course, I have missed it somewhere). Just an update for you--I told my husband everything; let him read the post, told him I went to the doctor (which is also his doctor), showed him the hotline numbers, and told him mine and our kids' safety is first no matter what emotional negatives will result of a separation. I also printed out papers on emotional abuse and he ended up marking all that he thought applied. He finally broke down and admitted a lot of things to me. He swore he would not make me choose between him and our kids. I am not dumb--I do realize this likely is a pattern in the abuse cycle. We discussed getting him an apartment in town, so I don't have to uproot the kids from this home. He also volunteered to go to the doctor to try to find out what was wrong with him.

Please use your advice to me and be safe. I can't help but feel maybe there is a reason you were the only one who responded to my post--maybe we are destined to help one another?

 
Old 02-13-2006, 01:35 PM   #7
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Re: Is he BP? Please help!

I had mad mania last year my wife thought something was wrong ( I was telling stories and spending money left and right) and I went to a hospital for 3 days I was on geoadone and that gave me bad nightmares and daydreams, so I stop'd medicine. A couple of months later I thought i was unstopable and could predict the future and I was right some times (mania again). Then I did things wrong over and over( things i could do very well) my wife's kid hit me and I put my hand thru a wall but might have hit him if she was'nt right there. A month or two later I hit bottom verrrrrrry bad could not work did not want to get out of bed. Started medicine and now I am on lithium 450 and wellbutrin 150 in the am and lithium 450 and seroquil 200 at night for 6 months now. over the months ms wen up or down and now i feel more and more regular. I hated my first physic doc, he did not seem very smart, or have a good attitude, now i've got a good one. I seem to be stable but it took over 6 mos. and bp people need to take meds from now on unless they find a cure.

 
Old 02-13-2006, 02:45 PM   #8
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Re: Is he BP? Please help!

Thank-you for sharing your story. It is wonderful you had the strength to keep trying to find a new doctor (there are so many bad ones out there). Can I ask how you got the strength to follow through? My husband made an appt. with our doctor today, to discuss all of these issues. I am worried that he is only doing it because I have put my foot down. I know it will not work unless he is doing it for him. I am very glad your meds are working. I don't know if this is what my husband has or not. I just want to get it figured out so we can work on it. Thanks again!

 
Old 02-13-2006, 09:37 PM   #9
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Re: Is he BP? Please help!

Given up, I'm not working on this marriage alone,but he need's to be lead to do the right thing, no matter what that takes. A few weeks ago i was like so outta here, i was really mad. He's very jealous,he needs to work on this big time,the root of all of our problems. He too has a son issue with me,me being the one to make him send his son back to the x wife in england. We had the boy twice and the kid drove us all nut's.Last time we had him he was 17 and worse then when he was 12! We have his, mine & our's. Two are our's girl & boy, girl from my first marriage,and son from his first marriage. The reason i'm staying is I have a lot to loose financially,medical & dental insurance. I tired to leave once before,but i was looking at living like a homeless person.I can't work do to back,neck, shoulder's & hip injury's. He's disabled now after serving 20 year's in the military. I learned that i can get maybe his pension,but not his social securty,or workmans comp. So that leave's me **** out of luck.I didn't work the past 25 year's,and not enough credit's to collect SS on my own. We both sat down and had a 5 hour conversation the otherday,letting it all come out.He's trying, he's tired before.Then someone checks me out,and it's my fault for looking nice! My husband has low self esteem,was also beat as a boy by his 6foot4 dad. his mother was mentally ill alway's, but everyone always had an excuse for her.My husband is ill and he know's it. I'm also trying to keep the family intact,as we have 4 grandkids. years ago when my kids were younger i should have divorced him,but i'm now 56 and feel 70,but look 40! He's looks much older then i do and this doesn't help with his jealious issues,which turn into anger issues. He has never hit me or shoved me,and has never hit any of the kids. I guess i can be thankfull for that. I don't think he's bipolar at all,just way to jealious,& will try to manipulate peole to see things his way. Does he need therapy? yes. but will he lie again in therapy? we will see. so far he doesn't want to go to therapy,but he needs it. if he will be honest,it just might be the best thing for him. i hope your husband is honest in therapy,it's pointless to go in there and lie.
Yes maybe we were meant to run into each other and help each other out.I'm hoping if he doesn't want to lose me he better get his act stright,or I'll be living in a shelter for sure.

cagedbird~

 
Old 02-14-2006, 12:07 PM   #10
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Re: Is he BP? Please help!

My dad is bipolar he was'nt mean but he drank alot, cheated on my mother, he was in the hospital (psyc ward) a few times one time for 16 days, smokes and when I was a small kid remember him reading the bible (did not go to church) thought he was god or a messenger and stuff, he drank coffee alot(cup after cup for days and smoked cigs.one after another) He went off his meds over and over. I DO NOT WANT TO BE THAT KIND OF FATHER. My brother is bipolar and he was in a halfway house had meds would not take them over the years did drugs off and on, to make a long story short he jumped off a 4 story parking garage and is in a convalescent home in a wheelchair for life.

 
Old 02-14-2006, 12:23 PM   #11
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Re: Is he BP? Please help!

I can relate to similar problems with my dad and one of my brothers. Don't know if my dad was BP, but he definitely had some sort of personality disorder. He would keep all of his anger bottled up and for no reason, explode all at once, breaking everything in the house or beating family members. For the most part, he took it out on my brother or my mom but I did witness it. My dad, to this day, never admitted he had any problems--it was always everyone else's fault and never his. I am glad you can see the difference and are trying not to be your dad. That is the important part--learning from his mistakes. My brother, on the other hand, I swear is a sociopath. I do not associate with him at all anymore. I am very sorry about your brother--it must be very hard on all of you.

 
Old 02-15-2006, 12:17 PM   #12
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Re: Is he BP? Please help!

Your husband needs to take the first step and admit he has a problem. Then, get some help. One thing I have learned, is every time I try to force my husband getting help, it is short-lived; just enough to pacify me and buy some more time, then back to the same old thing. If they do not want it, it will not work. Surely, there are programs that would help you with medical/dental, etc.? Is it really worth it, to live the rest of your life this way? I can definitely relate to the jealousy issues. However, I believe they are "control" issues. I think people who have to control others, do so in order to feel in control themselves. I wish you the best of luck.

 
Old 02-15-2006, 08:56 PM   #13
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Re: Is he BP? Please help!

Yes your are so right,it's all about control. I know that,so this is why I'm jumping into the pilots seat at this time. I need to take more control over a lot of issues in our home/marriage. My therapist asked me this week if I was pushing his buttons. Well hell YES! He's pushed mine for years. I'm asserting myself,without being agressive. I needed to stand up to him and make my self very clear as what i want from him,& what i refuse to put up with from him. He isn't used to me digging through our bill files,so that's where i started. Should have seen the look on his face,priceless! He wanted to know what i was looking for. I just said "stuff". Anyway, he's going to go for therapy,if i have to go because of him,then he's going. Nope... no programs for me,even therapist doesn't feel my quality of life will be better off, just a whole set of more problems for me. I have a dog, cat & 4 parrots. I refuse to give them up,and live in the worst part of town in some tiny apartment,begging the state for food stamps. That's all the state will help me with,I've already checked it out.I live in the country and i don't have my own car,so getting around isn't easy.My town doesn't even have a taxie service or bus. I'm staying put and putting my foot down.It's up to him now,to show me how much he want's this to work on my terms. I believe the lastest tiffs we had during the holidays are somehow related to the passing of his father this spring,& his mom being placed in a home just before xmas.His mother was the one to put the idea in his head of me cheating on him 15 year's ago. That's when my marriage went to hell. Up till then we were happy!
Is your husband moving out to an apartment,or is he still at home. How is it going? Be safe & take care

cagedbird~

 
Old 02-16-2006, 06:50 AM   #14
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Re: Is he BP? Please help!

Good for you! It sounds like you are dealing the best way you know how with your situation, and in a positive way. "Pushing buttons" does not necessarily have to be a bad thing, as long as it is done in such a way not to hurt others. To me, it is kind of like "positive manipulation". And what the hey do they expect you to do? You have to have some release of the stress!

I am glad you are standing your ground. That is so important, especially when you know deep down, you have not done anything wrong and you deserve better. I hope your husband is serious about therapy--I'll keep my fingers crossed for you both. If not, I agree that you should stay where you are. I know in my area, there are programs that help out with utilities, etc., so that might be something to check into.

It is ironic that you mentioned your husband's family situation around the Holidays. It sent a flag up with me, as my husband is always worse in the fall--Seasonal Affective Disorder--we both think he has this.

Well, mistake or not, my husband is still here. I spilled all the beans to him on everything (i.e., my post, doctor visit, hotline numbers, etc.) I told him I did not want a separation, but had to have one for the girls' safety. We got so far as detailing out who was going to cover what bills and he finally broke down and admitted a lot of things he has not before. He volunteered to go see our doctor to try and find out what was wrong, and actually his appt. is today. I'm trying to decide whether or not to go with him. I realize this is more than likely a pattern in the abuse cycle, but felt horrible (as usual) and felt I owed it to him to at least leave the separation decision open for now. What are your thoughts? It is so hard because you can't totally be objective when you are in the situation--your head and heart tell you two different things...

 
Old 02-16-2006, 10:24 PM   #15
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Re: Is he BP? Please help!

Well it doesn't matter if your husband left,or is still at home. The important factor here is that he's not going off half cocked right now. If you can get peace in the home half your battle is won. Has he ever been on medication for his behavior? Is the doctor he went to see today a GP? My husband's doctor (GP)that put him on Prozac called to see how he was doing on it. So far so good.
He was put on Prozac a couple of year's ago, ( for depression) did really well. Then he went off them! And as time went on he started getting parinoid about everything! His temper was short with me,and he couldn't deal with me even asking him anything, he would hold his head and say "Not NOW'. He was ****** off all the time. Back to square one. Money was going somewhere,charging thousands, about $30,000 went where??? Well he went through $20,000 before the first prozac was given to him. Then he was fine.Went off Prozac and 10,000 went somewhere?? Now i watch the prozac as it goes down his throat He went on his own to the DR for meds.So he knows how messed up he's been acting. He's so much more at peace with everything on meds. Now he just needs some therapy.I don't think men like to go sit and talk about feeling's,it's such a chick thing to do.Well that's how my husband feel's anyway. If anyone needs therapy it's him, & your husband
I love my husband,but am not in love with him. He's runied that for me. He's a good man,always the best husband,never forgot my birthday,or any holiday,would do anything for me. One day he just took over everything, and with out the prozac he becomes a nasty person. My husband never did drug's, doesn't drink,or even smoke. My head tells me to run... but where?? And to what?? My head also tells me to stay put and fix him and move on with life,i've got it pretty good here.As long as he's on meds. My heart tells me,what the heck,sex is out of the picture now for both of us (my hip& back) ( his back) ,so just let me enjoy my life,kids, grandkids, furkids & fidkids. I hate being controled,everyone that knows me knows this. Except for him,he's in denial. he tells me he's protecting me i'm like...from what???
My first husband i divorce when my daughter was 18 month's old. He became an alcoholic,drug user,and many years later (like 20) he told me he was DX as bipolar.And yes he was,he was also the love of my life,but could not live with him after 9 1/2 years. He became a Therapist,and passed away this summer,from cancer of the liver at 65. Well i guess if my first husband could get his crap together,I feel like 2nd husband should do the same,with less problems.
I do hope your husband get's the help he needs & the meds he needs.He owe's it to you and the family to get his stuff fixed. I hope it all works out for you guy's., It's hard to leave someone because of a mental condition when help is so close. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you,no one deserves to be treated like crap for something they didn't do. Let me know how it goes.
I AM WOMAN HEAR ME ROAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
cagedbird

 
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