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Old 02-15-2006, 03:33 PM   #1
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cardani HB User
Unhappy need some advice

Hi, im new to this board i guess. i have previously posted on the OCD board, as that is what i guess i am diagnosed with. I have terrible problems with my mood, and i hardly find that OCD affects my life. Its more like my moods determine my life and what obsessions i will have at that point. I do have a family history of bipolar, my grandmother was affected, im not sure about her children or my father, i dont think my father is. my mom also had postpartum depression and depression that has not left her since, apparently according to my psych (an adolescent one i can only see until july when i turn 18) that is a risk factor. i have never been told anything that i am experiencing could be bipolar or manic-depressiveness, i have been told by my former psych that he didnt know whether i was psychotic or neurotic, i tend to think now i am a bit of both. how come they wont diagnose me and wont treat me for what i want help with. ive been going to an anxiety group for cbt therapy, when what i really want to do is talk about my moods. ive become very impatient on zoloft, it has not even started to cure my depression. i still get suicidal feelings, but these are interspersed with feelings like i am perfect and can predict the future, i get thoughts that other people can hear my thoughts, this is triggered by studying cognitive distortions which i can never find positive thoughts for. currently im on 0.5 mg of risperdal, 0.25mg of clonazapam 3 times a day, and 75mg of zoloft. ive only felt relief with the risperdal, some of my thoughts were more controlled and organized, but this was a year ago, and my new psych has decreased the dose even since then and now nothing seems to be helping.

i cant stand it how everyone just assumes that once i change i am "better" i feel worse, am more angry, my depression is worse, but i seem happier because i have more life in me and have soooo much nervous and paranoid energy. i think maybe i am starting down the road of bipolar, when my old AD effexor was raised really high she said maybe it had made me manic... i dont know if that means im bipolar. i hate how wishy washy they are. my psych is over an hour away, i dont see her for another week, but currently i have a cold, and cant do any homework, im in a reading frenzy, but i have all math courses. i have to go to IQ testing next week also maybe that will point something out to them.... i really dont know what i should do. My boyfriend cant stand me, says i talk too fast and dont make sense and that he cant do anything and he has work to do - hes in university. i guess i should stop writing. i have a calculus test tomorrow and im so scared. im convinced both my calculus and physics teachers can read my mind and know what crazy things i have been thinking about in class when we are supposed to be working, they both asked me if i was OK and if i needed help. im so scared of them, i guess because they are male. i really dont know what to do or who to turn to. my boyfriend wants me to tell my mom. i have literally no friends when im depressed, because usually when i am feeling "better" i offend them, or at least i think that once i am depressed again, so i hide.... im really messed up right now, im not on the right meds, ive had enough of this i really have. thanks for reading this anyone... im sorry for writing so much and ranting.

 
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Old 02-15-2006, 07:33 PM   #2
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billiegail HB User
Re: need some advice

Girl, I don't know what to tell you, but I hope you can get some help soon. I have many of those symptoms and I am bipolar. Right now is a difficult time for me and I am very paranoid and my mind wont stop racing. I can't stand this feeling. Hope you don't mind, but I said a word of prayer for you. God bless and good luck
__________________
every person that I have met in my life has brought with them a lesson. I may not have enjoyed the lesson learned, but I have always enjoyed attending class.

 
Old 02-15-2006, 09:25 PM   #3
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seriousperson HB Userseriousperson HB User
Re: need some advice

Reading your post was like re-reading my own writings of 30 years ago, except those writings are long gone. I'm only now being treated; there wasn't much medication in the '70's except for self-medication--which often made things worse (as did the prescription prototypes of anti-depressants, which made me suicidal).
Quote:
Originally Posted by cardani
...according to my psych (an adolescent one i can only see until july when i turn 18)...
Don't you just hate it that they ask you to make a commitment to stay with therapy for 6 months, and then they leave town or something? My current shrink isn't going anywhere, but my health insurance could change again without me ever seeing it coming.
Quote:
Originally Posted by cardani
... feelings like i am perfect and can predict the future, i get thoughts that other people can hear my thoughts...
It's so amazing to read my own thoughts coming out of someone else's head. I saw my shrink today and kept going blank, but what I had intended to tell him about was what you just gave voice to.
Quote:
Originally Posted by cardani
... this is triggered by studying cognitive distortions which i can never find positive thoughts for....
Okay. Push pause here. Do you mean you have a habit of making up negative stories (instead of positive ones) to go along with extraneous sensory data? Or do you mean something else?
Quote:
Originally Posted by cardani
... says i ... dont make sense... im convinced both my calculus and physics teachers can read my mind and know what crazy things i have been thinking about in class when we are supposed to be working,...
The not making sense thing, I have recently come to consider, is because the ideas are racing so fast that we can only give out a shorthand for what seems to be genius thoughts. Unfortunately, others didn't get the memo on our genius status, and so aren't hovering around flashlights, trying to crack the code of genius-shorthand.
Quote:
Originally Posted by cardani
... i have literally no friends when im depressed, because usually when i am feeling "better" i offend them, or at least i think that once i am depressed again, so i hide....
Yea, I can do that without even trying. I can offend when trying not to offend. I'm dreading attending a family wedding in June--but I couldn't tell my shrink today the reason because it seemed like when I entered his office I forgot everything. Maybe it's just as well. Does that perhaps happen to you? They can't properly diagnose us if we automatically lose our disturbed self the minute they begin to study us.
So, here I am, trolling around, looking for souls in need of some words that I might command for a moment.
Of course I'm a "good" troll "of the north," not one of those evil trolls of the west.

 
Old 02-16-2006, 05:11 PM   #4
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cardani HB User
Re: need some advice

billiegail and seriousperson thank you so much for your replys, and billiegail i do not mind at all i think that is very sentimental of you. I have never found this much understanding on the OCD or depression only boards i have posted on or looked at. no one understands how unstable i always feel. i always feel like i am changing. after having watched the movie Girl, Interrupted I was convinced i had borderline personality disorder, because my whole reason for first going to a psychiatrist and breaking down to my mom in a letter and locking myself in the bathroom was i had this french assignment, it was probably the easiest assignment for other students who are normal, but for me this proved to be a huge challenge that absolutely refused to hand in. i am a faithful student but i have to say after this incident i barely scraped through this grade 10 enriched french class.

what this assignment was, was to simply in simple and few words mostly adjectives to describe yourself, what you liked to do, eat, watch, and who your friends were. i was convinced that any word i could find was not true, that i was lieing and that my french teacher knew how crazy i was. i was scared that people would look and see i had named them as my friend, and they would be very offended about what i said about them. this assignment caused me to skip classes in which i would have to sit in a computer lab with other students and the teacher who was likely to come around and look over your shoulder. i have always been convinced that sometimes when i get really excited and the thoughts rush that i will write something very embarrassing. i have even found some things in my writing. when i was a child i swear i was manic, i am very shy but i wrote this newspaper article about my brother. me and my best friend both wrote articles about my brother. i guess the teacher published them without reading them, and my mom got calls from other parents and teachers for a month about what embarrassing and personal details i had included. i thought at the time i needed to add lots of humor to this article, and that my brother was boring unless you knew that he still wore diapers to bed, and other embarrassing things i hate to remember.

well to update you all, I have an emergency appointment with my psych tomorrow that she fit in during her lunch time. i broke down to my mom, but i dont know if she understands. i kinda hope i am bipolar and not scizophrenic or even borderline. i do not have a habit of self injuring, and usually my shyness hides all of my extreme emotions. once i did pull a chair out from a girl in grade 9 science while we were gathering around one desk, she really got hurt and the whole class said NOTHING but stared, and i was laughing. ive been so scared of the things ive done to past friends that i switched schools to the catholic school because i thought that maybe some religion would help me control myself. it has kept me quieter. anyways i should try to do some homework so i dont fall so far behind...
quote:
Yea, I can do that without even trying. I can offend when trying not to offend. I'm dreading attending a family wedding in June--but I couldn't tell my shrink today the reason because it seemed like when I entered his office I forgot everything. Maybe it's just as well. Does that perhaps happen to you? They can't properly diagnose us if we automatically lose our disturbed self the minute they begin to study us.

i really do find that once they start asking questions i get sidetracked and start saying what they want to hear. i can totally forget about what was really bothering me in all those hours spent alone with my thoughts. is CBT at all effective for bipolar? i only find it helps when im depressed and have negative thoughts, when im paranoid nothing helps, well nothing i can controll.

thanks again
carrie

 
Old 02-16-2006, 07:10 PM   #5
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seriousperson HB Userseriousperson HB User
Re: need some advice

Quote:
Originally Posted by cardani
...i really do find that once they start asking questions i get sidetracked and start saying what they want to hear. i can totally forget about what was really bothering me in all those hours spent alone with my thoughts. is CBT at all effective for bipolar? i only find it helps when im depressed and have negative thoughts, when im paranoid nothing helps, well nothing i can controll....
That's actually wonderful that the CBT works for your depression. I had a little success with that, but only when amplified with a lot of faith & prayer.

So...I'm guessing if you can (with effort) conquer the depression, but the paranoia is just too hard, then any medications they give should target the paranoia, which would then allow CBT to be effective on that too. And hopefully you would get a handle on the paranoia thing, so that you could go off the meds in the future.

Of all the medications my dr. has me now taking, the one that really works is for my anxiety (which is similar to paranoia) and it's a low dose of a medication which is used in higher doses for schizophrenia. The dr. insists I am not schizophrenic, but I figure that all these terms that describe conditions of a person's mind cannot be totally accurate in any case. To me it all seems like a continuum, with some people landing a little bit outside the crowd.

I think it's wonderful that you are so close to real mental health at your young age, and will not have to mentally limp along throughout life.

Try writing down the ideas you want to convey to the therapist so they won't vanish altogether when you start "saying what they want to hear" ...which is a very sharp observance, by the way.

Now, if I can just remember what I should write down before my next appointment...

 
Old 02-19-2006, 06:35 PM   #6
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cardani HB User
Re: need some advice

Quote:
Of all the medications my dr. has me now taking, the one that really works is for my anxiety (which is similar to paranoia) and it's a low dose of a medication which is used in higher doses for schizophrenia. The dr. insists I am not schizophrenic, but I figure that all these terms that describe conditions of a person's mind cannot be totally accurate in any case.
The only drug that has seemed to reduce anxiety and "paranoia" or as my doctor calls mine "bizzare" thoughts lol has been antipsychotic medications, currently it is risperdal. My doctor does not however ever insist I am not scizophrenic, they arent quite sure.

Just an update, I saw my doctor on Friday for an emergency appointment. And it was amazing because I felt like I could finally get my point across. Maybe it was all this talking about it, and telling my mom which gave me the confidence to actually say what had been on my mind - which was a lot. my doctor said at the end of it all that she was happy i had come in becuase i had said more than all the previous appointments. she has decided to admit to the adolescent psychiactric hospital for approx 2 weeks, there is not an opening yet, but i will be going in this week. she said she has been trying too long and needs to get to the bottom of this. she is taking me off the antidepressant because she says that it has put me into a manic state, and examining my records she has decided that all of the antidepressants i have been on have done this. she wants to get me off the meds for a week so i can have IQ tests, CAT scans an EEG and some blood work. i guess they are looking for anything. i guess i am scared, but she assured me she was not admitting me for suicidality or self harm like in the past. Well i guess this is enough... I am relieved but apprehensive to actually get diagnosed. she pointed out that a lot of stuff i have done in the past were out of character and possibly manic. she said that the last 3 weeks I have been spending tons of money that is not my own, and I have also not been sleeping enough. I can remember times when it was the same and i wasnt on meds, so i guess i am stuck with this "me" that i currently know.
thanks a lot serious person you have been a lot of help in giving me confidence with my doctor and people who can help me

 
Old 02-19-2006, 10:22 PM   #7
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Re: need some advice

Quote:
Originally Posted by cardani
The only drug that has seemed to reduce anxiety and "paranoia" or as my doctor calls mine "bizzare" thoughts lol has been antipsychotic medications, currently it is risperdal. ...
That's the one that works for my anxiety. But if it doesn't work for you, something else will.

Quote:
Originally Posted by cardani
...Maybe it was all this talking about it, and telling my mom which gave me the confidence to actually say what had been on my mind - which was a lot. my doctor said at the end of it all that she was happy i had come in becuase i had said more than all the previous appointments.
...thanks a lot serious person you have been a lot of help in giving me confidence with my doctor and people who can help me
It's great you talked to your mom; it does help being able to say out loud the thoughts that seem to be in a circling holding pattern in your brain. And I'm glad my words were able to help you move forward on the road towards optimal mental health.

Last edited by seriousperson; 02-19-2006 at 10:23 PM.

 
Old 03-03-2006, 12:35 PM   #8
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cardani HB User
Re: need some advice

Just an update, I am now off of all my meds except for rispiridone and now im on 250mg of Epival (depakote) twice a day. doesnt seem to be doing much, but one day they tried to take me off rispiridone and now they wont hardly let me out of hospital because they think i am too sick. they see me as being depressed and not just having a sinus infection. my mom and i had to go against the doctors orders, because really i needed out of that place. i thought that the intercom system was recording my thoughts and movements and that someone was gonna come out the vents and take me away. i dont remember why i was so paranoid, but i think it had to do with no rispiridone the night before. they took me off of it i guess because it had made me lactate at a certain doseage. the psych treating me is not my normal psyche as its an adolescent ward, and today it was a totally different psych because that one who i have been seeing is now taking a week off. this new one is really controlling, i had fits and tantrums, and im not usually one to throw that kinda stuff. i felt like i was in prision. i felt they had already decided what to do before even talking to me. so i had one day of psychosis, one night really, i dont feel like that now, and my mom doesnt see it but i feel so guilty. i live an hour away from this hospital, so its a big deal whether or not i come home on weekend pass. last weekend there was no problem, and up until today when i saw the new doc it was said that id have a pass this weekend too. i have to go back tomorrow and i will have my blood levels of that mood stabilizer checked on monday. i sure hope it works, i want to get out of there as soon as i can. im so quiet, i hate being quiet, everyone thinks that i am up to something. well im happy i can now talk to my mom, and she understands and said if they knew what she thought sometimes theyd lock her up too. makes me feel a little better. i have to mention though that not every staff on this ward is this mean and demeaning. the nurse and child/youth worker working at night were very helpful. oh well itll all be over soon hopefully.

 
Old 03-03-2006, 08:45 PM   #9
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Re: need some advice

It sounds like you and your mom have an understanding like I do with my middle daughter, who has her own kind of mood disorder.

It's odd that if you have major surgery, the first thing they want to do is get you up and walking and get you home because you will heal better in familar surroundings. But with a mental health crisis, they seem to want to keep you away from the familiar.

Personally, I think it's because we're just coming out of the dark ages, so to speak, of ideas about mental illness, and learning that chemical imbalances can be the culprit rather than some social or moral problem. I keep imagining some day we'll look back on our prison system as totally barbaric. But don't get me started into one of my social justice speeches.

Anyway, I'm glad to hear that your mom is so understanding and that you appreciate her for it.

For now, try to look ahead to, maybe, 3 months from now: Summer will just be beginning, and perhaps your medications will be balanced out, and you can be far away from vents that seem to convey voices. Actually they do convey voices.

Right now I'm imagining a sunny, warm day and daffodills. And all we have to do is get from this day to that day. Considering how far we've come, that doesn't sound to hard.

 
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