pucca_chick

Okay, im new here. im 18 and have hid depression for 3 years. no1 knows apart from a doc i visited in secret a yr ago and who was usless and told me i was managing depression and left me to it. It started with just feeling low and annoyed at things that were quite big happening around me, this developed into a full blown mass of dispair. id wake up and start crying, it seemed like i was being compressed by a brick wall be4 i even got out of bed, then id cry getting dressed, the way to skool id cry silently in the back seat, in skool i was numb and trancelike, i heard nothing the teacher said, i wasnt interested in freinds and didnt say very much. id come home, sit in my room and cry for hours, at night id lie awake til 2 in the morning and wake up at 5 again wanting to cry-and then it wud start all over again the next day.

this extreme lasted two months, it then subsided slightly, i still was miserable, every night i cried, but i still functioned and cud force myself to do skool work. from then on its bin an absolute rollerocaster, and most recently now to. i dnt know what it is, one minute im up then im down. sumtimes it lasts a day or two, or perhaps i have a good week, even a month were i feel normal with the odd hyper and ecstatic episode. but mostly it runs throughout the day. i wake up wanting to cry, everything seems rubbish there is no hope.i tolerate skool and just adjust after 3 yrs ive learnt to just get on with things. then wen i come home or some time ill have a hyper period, were im actually jumping in the air or ive ran round the room be4 cos i felt like id burst with exitment and energy over nothing. i put peoples heads away alot, im loud, and quite child like in humour at times, i talk so fast no1 can understand what im saying and they get frustrated(onc my mom asked if i was on drugs lol), i jump from one thing to another, i cannot focus on anything, pple cant follow me expecially my dad who notices that i change subject and pull topics out of nowhere. i find i have all these great hopes and ideas that im going to do when im older in my career, ive made sum stupid career decisions and uni choices based on my mood at the time,sumtimes i convince myself im fine and that nothing bad ever happened or that i was never depressed, it changes so often i find it difficult to be happy, im a different person at a different moment of the day or week or month so i cant stick to nething. during these times ill have only 4/5 hours sleep a night for maybe 5 nights in a row and i dont feel tired,ill go non-stop. ther is rarley a time whe i feel normal nemore, but its bin so long i cant remeber what it felt like so i dnt know if im normal again.

i have researched sum of bipolar, im not labeling myself as bipolar im just keeping my eyes open and i know u cannot diagnose me, i need a doctor for that, but im at home and only just 18, my parents will find out and i dont have much faith in doctors after the last one was so unhelpful and just didnt look in the slightest bit interested. what shud i do, does this sound like bipolar cud be a possiblilty, im confused cos i fit sum criteria but others i dont, like now im sorta ok. altho today i did have a hyper moment, then a really depressed and angry mood were i went to SH and now im pretty bored and numb u cud say. plz help, from ne1 who suffers or knows about this. plz help. xox