Desperately need advise - Bipolar Disorder Message Board

kiehn · 03-09-2006, 01:29 AM

Gee where do I start. Just a little history
* Bipolar since 87 on meds since 93.
* Been with Husband 31 years.
* Two daughters 20 & 21 one is bipolar living at home
* Im highly sentive, actually over senitive
* Due to sexual abuse issues I have not spoken to extended relatives in 4 yr

Without going into a lot of details, my husband often says and does very hurtful things. Due to childhood history of sexual abuse, then being druged and raped mutiple times at 15 the older I get the more I despise sex. He's ridulculed me, made me feel bad, told his friend who made a joke about it. Bought me a b-day card that made a joke about my lack of interest.
He has hurt me with words & actions deeply more times than I can count. When I try to talk to him somehow I end up feel worse then when I started by the way he treats me. So I've learned not to discuss why Im hurt. The other day I was dealing with some phone calls and ended up on hold for almost an hour. Needless to say I was highly agitated. I had expressed my frustation to him several times so when he asked me a question and I had to repeat myself I was grouchy. He put his hands together and start bowing to me like I was a god over and over. I fought back the tears and could hardly speak, but I couldnt stand what he was doing so almost in a whisper I asked him to please stop fearing he might do something else even worse. I used to tell myself at least he doesnt hit me like my father did my mother, but I now wonder if the emotional pain is just as bad. The past couple of days Ive started collecting and hiding a few necessities to move out, even thought Im well aware I'll have to give up my car, the computer, tv, phone, cell phone, microwave, washer dryer, and other simple luxuries due to lack of income, at least I wont have to live with being treated this way. However our adult daughter (21 yrs) who lives at home (she's also bipolar) picked up that something is wrong. When I told her she cried & cried I can only imgaine how her younger sister will react. I dont know if I can handle how this is going to affect my children. My motherly instinct says to protect my children and tolerate the abuse. I feel so empty inside even my tears are almost dry.

Ruth6:11 · 03-09-2006, 10:57 AM

Oh Kiehn, we've been here long enough to be sisters and I only wish I could be as much help as you need... So here goes my Bipolar Best.

Would your husband consider marriage counseling... I'm assuming not, that he tends to try to make it YOUR problem. I understand that 31 yrs is a long time. And I understand that you may still love him. I had only 3 yrs with a man who abused me and I loved him (from a distance) until the day that he died last year.

And while I support marriages that stay together, I make my own "ethical" exceptions.
One of those is abuse. And you are most certainly at the VERY least being emotionally and mentally abused. Doesn't mean that he's a worthless dog that no one should love, but it usually DOES mean that he's not a healthy person to be with.

I don't remember if you live in the US or not. Please see if there is a Legal Aid center near you. They are low or no cost and you certainly should be entitled to 50% of your marital assets and possibly even some "start up" alimony. Not to mention child support.
Health insurance might be an issue?

Tolerating the abuse will not protect your children in the long run. They will learn by your example that it is "normal" to abuse women, or "normal" to be abused by men.

I am so sorry about the sexual abuse you suffered. My ex-boyfriend was alcoholic and he would black out - especially after Tequila. While he was blacked out he would decide to act out whatever depraved sex fantasies he had... on me. He was 6'4" 220 lbs and I was 5'2" & 98 lbs. Why didn't I try to get away? Because I loved him.
Because he had told me over and over that everyone always abandoned him - I was determined to prove him wrong.

But Keihn, some people are toxic for us. My ex, your husband. You know of course that stress is really bad for us. Even when our meds are on target we can be thrown balance because of stress.

My only drawback is that I'm not sure that you are ready to be out there on your own.
Rather than an Escape, you need to carefully plan this.

After I moved out of my abusive situation I lived in a 1-room efficiency and worked at McDonalds. It felt GREAT.
But my heart ached for him. I went back twice until I finally was able to make the break. And he seemed to know that he was bad for me.
It doesn't make it easier, but I do know a tiny bit of some of what you have been through.
You, of course, have SURVIVOR written all over you. You are so NOT a victim already that I know you will land on your feet this time too.
Just don't do it all too quick, and gather up some of the nuts & berries ahead of time.

You have friends here who will go to the wall for you. My personal request is that you really fight for the COMPUTER, ok????!!!!!!
Hugs,
Ruthie

kiehn · 03-09-2006, 11:14 AM

Ruth, thanks so much for your support, I really dont want to burden my duaghters and the only aquintances I have are my husbands friends. Yes counseling is out. As far as the computer our daughter uses it, plus I wouldnt be able to afford a phone line or the internet service anyway. However I do have a younger daughter who has a computer that lives in the area Im looking at. Today Im planing on going to get an application for low income apts which has a 1-3 month waiting period. Gee how I wish the p-doc I used to see was still here and how I wish I had a friend close by.
Thanks again, K

Hedgehog No 1 · 03-09-2006, 12:39 PM

Hey K,

I leave you alone for a couple of months and now look at you, what happened?

I remember most of what you and talked about a while back. Including family and your past experiences.

Having read Ruthie's reply, there really isn't much that I could add, without repeating.

I know and accept that you are bipolar and you have mostly dealt with that, however, you MUST separate the problem of being ill with your relationship. Don't let one affect the other.

If things are as bad as you say and you can't see any way forward - like through counselling - then you MUST consider YOUR health as a priority.

Twice in my life I have walked away with NOTHING to start again. It can be done.

Let me know how things are going, I should be here most days from now on.

Hope it helps, Hedge ~

Ruth6:11 · 03-09-2006, 01:48 PM

See Kiehn? You have TWO friends close by!!