Oh Kiehn, we've been here long enough to be sisters and I only wish I could be as much help as you need... So here goes my Bipolar Best.
Would your husband consider marriage counseling... I'm assuming not, that he tends to try to make it YOUR problem. I understand that 31 yrs is a long time. And I understand that you may still love him. I had only 3 yrs with a man who abused me and I loved him (from a distance) until the day that he died last year.
And while I support marriages that stay together, I make my own "ethical" exceptions.
One of those is abuse. And you are most certainly at the VERY least being emotionally and mentally abused. Doesn't mean that he's a worthless dog that no one should love, but it usually DOES mean that he's not a healthy person to be with.
I don't remember if you live in the US or not. Please see if there is a Legal Aid center near you. They are low or no cost and you certainly should be entitled to 50% of your marital assets and possibly even some "start up" alimony. Not to mention child support.
Health insurance might be an issue?
Tolerating the abuse will not protect your children in the long run. They will learn by your example that it is "normal" to abuse women, or "normal" to be abused by men.
I am so sorry about the sexual abuse you suffered. My ex-boyfriend was alcoholic and he would black out - especially after Tequila. While he was blacked out he would decide to act out whatever depraved sex fantasies he had... on me. He was 6'4" 220 lbs and I was 5'2" & 98 lbs. Why didn't I try to get away? Because I loved him.
Because he had told me over and over that everyone always abandoned him - I was determined to prove him wrong.
But Keihn, some people are toxic for us. My ex, your husband. You know of course that stress is really bad for us. Even when our meds are on target we can be thrown balance because of stress.
My only drawback is that I'm not sure that you are ready to be out there on your own.
Rather than an Escape, you need to carefully plan this.
After I moved out of my abusive situation I lived in a 1-room efficiency and worked at McDonalds. It felt GREAT.
But my heart ached for him. I went back twice until I finally was able to make the break. And he seemed to know that he was bad for me.
It doesn't make it easier, but I do know a tiny bit of some of what you have been through.
You, of course, have SURVIVOR written all over you. You are so NOT a victim already that I know you will land on your feet this time too.
Just don't do it all too quick, and gather up some of the nuts & berries ahead of time.
You have friends here who will go to the wall for you. My personal request is that you really fight for the COMPUTER, ok????!!!!!!