manic and not knowing it?
is it just me? or do others experience some cycles without having a concious recollection of it during that point in time. I know I try to manage my states and try to stay on top of where I am. but last summer/fall...I was completely caught off guard .I was on the rampage. sex with lots of women . I exuded tremendous confidence and sexuality and could seduce a nunn. I spent money like water. burned through my savings. felt I was better then my gf of 8 years, and left her with out any sign of emotion. I left a great job, because I was better then it. and could find a good job the next day. I said the hell with everything negative and basked in euphoria. I was god, and I felt like a king with the charm of rasputin.
well christmas eve , reality sunk in and I went into sever depression. gambled the remaining savings I had on online poker. and basicaly gave my money away. I wanted to self destruct and reuin everything in my life. completely **** myself over, and when I couldn't **** myself over anymore. I would have the final laugh as I took my own life. only problem is I couldn't get out of bed or carry a thought through to do it. for the past 3 weeks I'm feeling somewhat "normal" only to do it all over again.
a lot more happened then I mentioned. at the time of writing this my head is scrambled.
lately when I'm driving ...wich is my most pleasurful time. listening to my stereo..playing whats the closest thing to love and lust.....led zeppelin and the guess who. I feel sudden urges to drive myself into the next tree. these feelings catch me off guard. and make my heart pound. because of how intense they are, and how they come from nowhere.
one minute I feel I hold my destiny and prosperity in my hand, the next I'm a worthless loser who is a burden to everyone I know. or everything I do. other times my mind is blank. and my head always hurts. I get headaches everyday. probaly from stress....the stress and as well the war within to pull myself together.
sorry about the spelling and grammar.. my mind won't co-operate with me