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Old 03-29-2006, 09:33 PM   #1
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being_me HB User
manic and not knowing it?

is it just me? or do others experience some cycles without having a concious recollection of it during that point in time. I know I try to manage my states and try to stay on top of where I am. but last summer/fall...I was completely caught off guard .I was on the rampage. sex with lots of women . I exuded tremendous confidence and sexuality and could seduce a nunn. I spent money like water. burned through my savings. felt I was better then my gf of 8 years, and left her with out any sign of emotion. I left a great job, because I was better then it. and could find a good job the next day. I said the hell with everything negative and basked in euphoria. I was god, and I felt like a king with the charm of rasputin.
well christmas eve , reality sunk in and I went into sever depression. gambled the remaining savings I had on online poker. and basicaly gave my money away. I wanted to self destruct and reuin everything in my life. completely **** myself over, and when I couldn't **** myself over anymore. I would have the final laugh as I took my own life. only problem is I couldn't get out of bed or carry a thought through to do it. for the past 3 weeks I'm feeling somewhat "normal" only to do it all over again.
a lot more happened then I mentioned. at the time of writing this my head is scrambled.
lately when I'm driving ...wich is my most pleasurful time. listening to my stereo..playing whats the closest thing to love and lust.....led zeppelin and the guess who. I feel sudden urges to drive myself into the next tree. these feelings catch me off guard. and make my heart pound. because of how intense they are, and how they come from nowhere.
one minute I feel I hold my destiny and prosperity in my hand, the next I'm a worthless loser who is a burden to everyone I know. or everything I do. other times my mind is blank. and my head always hurts. I get headaches everyday. probaly from stress....the stress and as well the war within to pull myself together.
sorry about the spelling and grammar.. my mind won't co-operate with me

 
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Old 03-30-2006, 09:50 AM   #2
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klawk316 HB User
Re: manic and not knowing it?

If you not on meds, please DO. Ask around for a reputable psychiatrist, maybe your MD could give recommendations.

You sound like you need medication mostly to stop the mania so your depressions may subside, or end. My mood swings are similar to yours and I have been on meds off and on for 12 years. I dearly regretted those times I tried to go without. What a mess! There are many good drugs to help. None are perfect but you sure can get a lot of relief from those horrible cycles. There is a drug called Ambien, itís supposed to be good for mania. I just started taking a small dose (at night!) along with lamictal, and I already feel the difference. Please get Professional help. Good luck.

 
Old 03-31-2006, 11:49 AM   #3
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being_me HB User
Re: manic and not knowing it?

I have been diagnosed with a rapid cycling bipolar disorder. I'm male. I'm 24 now. and I was diagnosed two years ago. for 8 years I went through hell, trying to figure out why I was never in control of anything I did. always fighting the war within. I'm on meds now and they help. but I have a hard time being the guy I want to be. theres only so much self destructive behavior and harm I can do, before I eventualy give up.
I'm a fiesty ....stubborn *******. and determined to achieve and overcome. but I'm affrais that one of my mixed states with push my self anger and hatred too far. and do myself in. I hope not. but enough is enough. I want to achieve something in life. I want piece of mind, without having to say who cares...inorder to get that. I want to have focus and follow my goals through. I want to be nothing more then just me. and not the guy that everyone always says, " what the hell happened to him"?..."he used to be so smart"..."you don' care about anything" or "I know what it is..your just lazy"....calling me lazy and someone who doesn't care..is the thing that hurts me the most.

 
Old 04-02-2006, 08:56 PM   #4
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Evrett WA
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lynelle101 HB User
Re: manic and not knowing it?

hello, sorry to hear of your plight but can I just say that i do understand except with the sex with women. I am married have three kids feel so self destructive like I want to bash my skull in and I have a hard time admitting that I have a problem not me I am strong can conquer anything always had. I feel if I made it through my child hood in my fantasy world and made everything okay and fought everything that wasn't okay then why the hELL can't I beat this. I much feel like a failure in so many ways i was diagnosed last nov. and ever time i seen my pdoc I would lie to her tell her i was better med was working yet I would start to feel better and stop taking it... Yet I would tell her that I was better I am such a liar can't deal with the fact that I am going crazy in my head. I don't want to be around people sometimes then I dream and think about having affairs all the time. I cut myself often to relive the tension think about driving off the road and not living anymore. I can't be sick no time for that... Anyway if you want to talk respond and we can talk about what more is going with you if you wish!

 
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