I'm new here so I'm not exactly sure how to go about things. I have bipolar 1 and I'm rapid cycling. It really sucks. Right now I'm on a down swing, again. I'm taking wellbutrin, lexapro, depakote, seraquel, and restoril. Nothing seems to make this sadness stop. I don't have any friends. I have no support system. I feel as though I don't fit in anywhere. I live with my boyfriend and he tries to be supportive but he just doesn't get it sometimes. I don't want to be around anyone right now. I want this to go away. I have been trying to find the right meds for more than a year now. I don't have health insurance so I have to go through the county. The pdoc is so busy that our appointments last for only a few minutes every month or so. I go to a therapist but sometimes it seems like she is more interested in talking about herself than helping me. I'm unemployed because I can't seem to keep a job. I get fired for not having the right attitude.
I guess that I don't really have a question to ask anyone, I just wanted to know if anyone else out there has this horrible lonely feeling. I need someone to talk to that understands what this is like. Its hard to explain to someone who isn't bipolar what it feels like inside. Sometimes I just want to give up. I look at all the friends that I used to have and they are all getting married and have succesful jobs, kids. What is it that I did? Why do I have to work 10 times harder than everyone else just to feel "normal"? Just once I'd like things to be easy. I want to stop taking the mood stabilizer so I can maybe force a mania. I wish I was manic right now. Anything to not feel like I do right now. Does anyone out there feel like me? What can I do?
You#ll be fine, you have a perfectly healthy body( I Assume), all you need to do is to think of ways to figure this out. Abstain from bad practices for a start such as alcohol and anything that bugs you from the back of your mind that you feel needs cleaned up. You are a unique individual. Take a good strong look at the world and wonder it, really concentrate on wondering it being a place without you, a place where you might no longer exist in. The beauty of your surroundings might still need to be appreciated. Really the stess and anxiety you may feel can be relieved by the beauty you will be able to share with nature , be optmstic with your life and try and feel the connection. It's what its all about, a constant feel of confidence , optimism, and a mixture of such like elements. try and capture these, with every opportunity. When you sleep tonight try and imagine examples of such occurences, and really try to allow yourself to reap in the memories.
i believe i understand the depth of your saddness. i am 56 and felt like you for 54 of them. today i can actually say i am happy. the key for me was that my belief system was altered. before i expand on that would you please tell me what you believe about our existance here on earth?(religion or not) what we think contributes to how we feel.
Thank you for responding Kenny. As far as my belief system goes, I don't have one. I consider myself to be an atheist. I was brought up as a Catholic and it served no purpose for me. I have hard a time believing in a "higher being" with all that has happened to me in my life and with all that's going on in the world today. I do consider myself to be a spiritual person but not religeous. I think that it is very helpful for some people to be supported by a religon but I just don't believe in it. I'm sorry if that offends you or anyone else but that is just what I believe.
This diease sucks. I'm not deppressed any more. Right now I'm elated and feel like I can do anything. I switched to a manic episode. I wish that I could hang on to this longer but I know that there is a crash coming sometime in the near future. Thanks again for your support. It always helps to know that there are other people out there who go through the same ups and downs as me.
I must admit, and please don't take this the wrong way - but you are on way too many "medications." All of those medications can create side-symptoms which can in turn mask another disease. I don't know enough about your situation, but I do know that it is possible that you could be lost in all of those medications. Not only that but you are on contradictory pills...
Wellbutrin for example made me manic. A lot of ADs make Bipolar patients manic...
I agree - too many medications can cause longer-term problems and watch out for pyschs who want a long-term patient (might be good for their bank balance but not for you or yours).
Recent developments in the UK & US (you may not have heard of this) and many people with bipolar disorder or severe depression with psychotic symptoms may have high cortisol levels. Something triggers the over-production of cortisol which results in psychotic-like symptoms and this drug re-sets the HPA axis to stop the over-production of cortisol.
Improvements in Neurocognitive Function and Mood Following Adjunctive Treatment with Mifepristone (RU-486) in Bipolar Disorder
Stanley Research Centre, School of Neurology, Neurobiology and Psychiatry, University of Newcastle upon Tyne, UK (2004).
High cortisol levels are found in severe mood disorders, particularly bipolar disorder. Hypercortisolaemia may cause or exacerbate both neurocognitive impairment and depressive symptoms. We hypothesized that antiglucocorticoid treatments, particularly corticosteroid receptor antagonists, would improve neurocognitive functioning and attenuate depressive symptoms in this disorder. To test this hypothesis, 20 bipolar patients were treated with 600 mg/day of the corticosteroid receptor antagonist mifepristone (RU-486) or placebo for 1 week in a double-blind crossover design. Over the total 6 weeks of the study, neurocognitive and neuroendocrine function were evaluated at baseline, days 21 and 42. Mood symptoms were evaluated weekly. Nineteen subjects completed the protocol; there were no drop-outs due to adverse events. Following treatment with mifepristone, selective improvement in neurocognitive functioning was observed. Spatial working memory performance was significantly improved compared to placebo (19.8% improvement over placebo). Measures of verbal fluency and spatial recognition memory were also improved after mifepristone. Beneficial effects on mood were found; Hamilton Depression Rating Scale scores were significantly reduced compared to baseline (mean reduction of 5.1 points) as were Montgomery-Asberg Depression Rating Scale scores (mean reduction of 6.05 points). No significant change occurred after placebo. These data require replication but provide preliminary evidence that glucocorticoid receptor antagonists may have useful cognitive-enhancing and possibly antidepressant properties in bipolar disorder.
Why do I have to work 10 times harder than everyone else just to feel "normal"? Just once I'd like things to be easy. I want to stop taking the mood stabilizer so I can maybe force a mania. I wish I was manic right now. Anything to not feel like I do right now. Does anyone out there feel like me? What can I do?
Hi Sarah, I'm new here too. In fact this is my first post.
I too have lost most or all my "friends", family and plenty of jobs. It's difficult to stay optimistic through all that but try to remember that you CAN manage this disorder. You can find a way to live a fuller life. My life is in the toilet right now... socially and financially but I'm trying to find my way back out.
These boards, support groups and such are a great way to give validity to your feelings. My doc makes me keep a journal. I find it VERY therapeutic. It helps me get my racing thoughts out of my head.
Last edited by Afflicted_x3; 04-11-2006 at 12:41 PM.
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I understand how you feel. I hated taking mood stabalizers when I was put on them 2 years ago, but now I am glad that I have gone through all I have. I went through psychotherapy for 4 years, and then I was put on Lithium, Zoloft, and Seroquel for my bipolar mixed with PTSD, Borderline Personality Disorder, and Mepression. The key to anything in life is to put everything you have in it. Truley, I think that my career change is what has helped more than anything. Before, I was just working as a cashier somewhere, and I decided to go to school to become a certified nursing assistant and since then the whole world has changed. I have learned that I must focus on how I feel each day and what I am doing in those moods in order to change my mode of thought. My psychologist had me write down how I felt when I woke up every morning and as those moods changed throughout the day I had to write down when they changed and how I felt then. It really shows a pattern of feelings and behaviors. Once you can begin to see the changes as they come to you, you are more capable of changing your thought patterns and behaviors. It is a lot of hard work, but in the long run it really will make you feel so much better about yourself because you can control those moods. Also, I have learned that if I can find even one thing each day to be happy about, it brings my spirits up. Even if it's something small like a phone call from someone. I do hope this will help you at least a little.