Diagnosed bipolar and now dont know what to expect - Bipolar Disorder Message Board

*Lai* · 05-22-2006, 07:41 AM

Hi all, i'm new to the boards and i hope being here will help me understand my bipolar more, because i am so confused and scared about it.

Anyway, heres my story. I hope i dont offend anyone by my experiences, if anyone feels my post is inapropriate, i will ask for it to be deleted (i'm sure the mods will do that anyway). I'm sorry the post is so long, but i wasnt sure what exactly happened to me, so i was hoping you guys could read my experiences and give me your thoughts, especially of what the first part of my illness was, so please continue to read.

I got diagnosed with bipolar last july/august time (2005), after i had been hospitalised and given meds to calm me down.

What had happened was that around sept-nov time (2004), i was extreamly stressed about alot of things that were going on in my life and i just didnt know what to do about any decisions i had to make about life, marriage and loads more. I was constantly stressed, i had migranes and i couldnt sleep, i couldn't go out for to long because i just always felt dizzy and had to sit down, it was awful. Then one day i woke up and i was scared, i dont know what of, but it was like this fear had taken over my mind and body and something had changed in my head, the world didnt seem the way it was before.

From then on, it was like something had swithed around in my head and and i was living in a nightmare of constant fear, well not living, just existing, where the days would just go on and never end. There was a point when i just didnt know what was going to happen in the next minute of my life, it always felt like i was just waiting to die. I also had this constant fear of going crazy, i was just scared to death i would go crazy.

I stayed in the state until about march-april(2005) time, when things just started to get abit better, i could go out again, i started eating alitttle again and i felt things in my head had gone back to the way it was.
Unfortunatley that didnt last very long and in may(2005) i got hospitalised because i was considered manic and i refused to take any more medication (the previous medications i took, made me hullucinate, have nightmares, and made me think i was going crazy, so i didnt want anymore medicaton now i was better).
Anyway, i was hospitlised (horrible horrible experience) for about 6 weeks and then put in a rest-bite centcre once i was ok. I stayed there for about 2 weeks and i was allowed to go home at times too.
I got discharged around july/august time (2005), when i was told i was bipolar.

After being diagnosed, i found it a little hard to come to terms with the illness. I was constantly thinking of my expereincees( how much i put my family through, how scary it was when i thought i was going to die, how embarrassed i felt after remembering things i did when i was manic), i just found myslef feeling depressed.

But now i'm kinda ok. Iv taken the year out to decide what i wana do with my life. But my life starts to look dim and scary and depressing, when i start to think about having bipolar and how it'll affect me studying, getting married, having kids, my married life and so on.

I already suffer from anxiety and have body image problems and eating issues and i used to get depressed before all this kicked off too.

At the mo, i think i'm stable. But i'm just scared because i dont know what to expect with my bipolar. What will it take for me to go manic or depressed again.
I dont kno if my bipolar consists of me going in to the same degree of mania and depression like i was when i first got ill. Beacause i had never been through anything like that before when i used to get depressed and it was the most awful, scary and horrible exeprience of my life, i never thought i would get through it.

I was wondering, what you guys think caused the first part of my illness and was that bit considered to be depression? Because i never felt down, it was more like fear, constant fear, i was always crying tho and i did want to end it all because i couldnt take the fear anymore.
I think it was some sort of mental/nervous breakdown that i had from being too stressed, then it went into come deep, scary state of depression or anxiety (my psychiatrist didnt even know what it was, she diagnosed me with GAD- Generalised Anxiety Disorder first, i so hate her anyway), and then i got abit better but for some reason i went into a state of mania, and then had to be treated for that.

My point for starting this thread was because i was unsure what i went through exactley and what to expect now.

I'm scared because i feel like i dont know what to expect and if it will be as bad as what i went through before i got diagnosed. Because that was sooo bad, i really dont want that happen again.

I dont want to put my family or bf through anything like that again, and i dont want my life to just come to a stop like that again too.

I read posts on here about people having rapid cylcing mania and depression and it gets me confused because at the moment i'm not manic or depressed. Well i am felling depressed, but not like i was when i got ill, just down about my weightgain and feeling like i am a burden to everyone because i always get ill, etc. etc. So i dont know if thats what i should expect and how i'll know if its mania or depression i'm going through (if you know what i mean).
I'v also noticed that i can get really angry, really easily these days too and this never used to happen before. Does anyone else experience this?

I would appreciate it if anyone had any opinions, good advice, anything to say about my post.

Before i go, i just thought i'd say, i'm 21 now ( i was 19/20 when all this happened), i'm on 500mg Depakote (it should be 1000mg but i reduced it myself because of the big weight gain and hair loss- my psychiatrist knows i'v reduced it too) and i'm hopin to start study either this september 06 or september 07, depending on family matters.

Thanx for reading the post, i know its so long and i am very sorry about that.

I hope everyone else is good and well and coping with everything. I wish you all the best in life.

xx

ps- if anyone has any tips about how i can lose weight and not gain anymore whilst on depakote that would be great, because i am soo depressed after gaining like 40-50 lbs, thank you.

coffeegirl2 · 05-22-2006, 01:29 PM

Hi~

It is common to feel/become depressed after a manic episode. That is normal. My tdoc has told me this, and you will read about this in many books about Bipolar Disorder. Have you read many books about the illness? If not, it might be a good opportunity for you to learn more about the illness, and what it does, along with the different types of meds that are out there, and what the meds do. There are tons of meds that can work without the side effect of weight gain.

Lostnydaydream is right. You are so young that you have an advantage to those of us who are older. Your metabolism is still strong and is going fast. Take advantage of that and use it.

After the age of 30, the body's metabolism slows down a lot- and that stinks.

There is a lot of good advice already mentioned for you from Lostnadaydream for the eating. I'm in WW's and they preach, and preach "Drink WATER".

Good luck to you. Take care.

Coffeegirl

*Lai* · 05-22-2006, 02:55 PM

Thanx guys, i really appreciate all the advice. I'v been trying to cut back on my food and watch what i eat for a few months now, but my appetite has grown so much with my medication, so i'm always hungry. I'm just depredssed because i went from being around 110 in May last year to almost 160lbs now, that is just gross for me. I have struggled with eating issues all my life and i have anorexic tendencies (sp?) and similar thought patterns, which doesnt help.
I used to exercise compulsively and restrict to under 1000cals a day. So when trying to lose weight i go back to my old ways, which is so hard whilst being on medication.

I'v asked my pdoc if i could change meds, but she made a big deal about maybe getting ill again or going into mania or depression whilst changin, and that scared the hell out of me, so i'm abit scared of changing meds. My pdoc doesnt understand about my weigh problems, she put me on depakote even when she knew i had problems with eating and my weight. (she never told me weight gain is a side effect, i think shes evil). Whenever i mention my weight now, she'll say that i have other issues to face before my weight, and i just feel like i'm a small child being told off by her.
But being overwight like this is making my life miserable, i'm so ashamed of myslef i cant get myself to go out or even show my face to relatives or friends.

Coffegirl2- i Haven't really read any books on bipolar, to tell you the truth i'm better off if i stay away. Reading about it would get me really anxious and more pessimistic (sp?), i'm just a negative thinkner, so things always end up lookin worse.

But thank you both for your advice, i'm glad i loged on and read your posts, because i was just feeling so down about having ate and ruined my diet for today. I also had a chane to go to the gym today, but i got depressed about ow i look and didnt want to be there alone.

But thank you so much for your kind words.

I'll keep posting and let you know how thngs are going.

I hope you are gud and well.

Thank You xx

littletimebomb · 05-22-2006, 07:25 PM

Lai
I'm so sorry about what you're going through, but just keep in mind that we've all been there. The dx is a hard transition for anyone and it sounds like you had a complete breakdown.
Were there any incidences in your younger life which leads you to believe you were BPD as a child? If so, start thinking back to the moods you had and what was happening around them. Recognizing the stresses and triggers in your everyday life are the key to managing your illness.

I know it's hard to think about being BPD. I'm 39 and have had it since I was a child. Although I was only diagnosed 3 years ago it's clear, looking back that I always was. But the sooner you accept your dx and get yourself support and good tools, you're going to be fine. It's just like any other illness. It is serious and life threatening and it can be very painful if left untreated. But there many people on here who are proof that you can live relatively symptom free.

When you're ready, there are two books you MUST read. The first you should probably get now and it WILL help you. Studies have shown that this book is more effective at treating depression that drugs or therapy alone. It's called "The Feeling Good Handbook." It is written by David Burns who came up with Cognitive Bahavioral Therapy. CBT is now standard treatment for depression. Get the book, do the exercises, you will benefit. I promise.
Another is Kay Redfield Jameson's "The Unquiet Mind." This is a very inspirational book by a woman who has learned to not only manage her illness, but become a very successful doctor and author. She wrote another very inspiring book "Touched by Fire," which is about the high number of creative and successful BPD's. She connects the two and makes you see how special you are BECAUSE you have this.

Fear not. You have not received a death sentence. You can lead a normal, productive and even successful life. Don't believe anyone who tells you that you can't do things because of BPD. Not true! Well, there are a few. NO: sugar, caffeine, alcohol, nonprescription drugs. Also stay away from high fat and fried foods, red meat and processed foods (especially hydrogenated oils.) These things all contribute to an imbalance in your body that effects your brain chemistry.
You need to eat a healthy balanced diet, high in fresh veggies, whole grains and essential fatty acids. Drink a lot of liquid. Dehydration causes depression. YOU MUST EXERCISE. Not obsessively, that can tip your stability to mania or depression, but moderate exercise more than once a day. I have a dog and we walk for at least 30 minutes three times a day.
These things alone will help you control your weight.
You also could try meditation for the anxiety and deep breating exercises. Don't worry if it's hard at first to get your mind to stop, that will lessen with time. Yoga is very good exercise for BPD. It addresses the whole self and feels more like medatitive stretching than exercise. I find it exremely helpful in maintaining balance.
Next week, I'm going to try accupuncture. I know it can have amazing results, so I'm going to give it a try. I'll let you know.

I think it's really important to see how special you are and the amazing advantages BPD gives you. I started a thread here called ADVANTAGES of bipolar, check it out and see if you can find something that sounds familliar.

Welcome to the world of BPD. We're all here for you.
hugs
littletimebomb

*Lai* · 05-23-2006, 08:10 AM

Aww thank you soo much, you have no idea how much i appreciate all your advice and kind words. Its been really difficult to find anyone in my small circle of friends or family, who know what i'm going through (having Bipolar is abit uncommon in my culture). I do often think that my life is over because of it and i get stressed because i feel i won't be able to get through life without emotionally hurting my family and friends, like i did when i was first ill. I really cannot stand the thought of hurting those around me.
I get worried about everything from my life now to when i get married (which we are planning for about 4-5 years time after i finish university). I often feel that i will pass all my illnesses to my children and then they will have to live like i am doing now. I just feel like a huge burden to everyone.

I do see a psychologist on a regular basis and we are trying to work through my issues. I have so many that sometimes i feel there is no hope for me.

The books that you suggested sound really inspiring. I do often question how i'm going to achieve any of the goals i had for my life. I wanted to go into healthcare, possibly physio or language therapy, but since being diagnosed and going through this experience, i have decided to stay away from anything related to health because it causes me anxiety. So i'm kinda stuck now because all i know is science and health, lol.

I think i'm going to go to a book store in town and see if they have the books you mentioned, i dont think i'm ready yet to read them, but i might have a browse through them at the store.

For now, i'm just going to work with my psychologist and try to achieve some sort of balance with everything. But where my weight is concerned it is really depressing me and i'm not sure what i can do about it becaue i'm such a harsh self-critic and perfectionist, that if i slip up one day on my diet, its just downhill from there. I'm also having trouble getting out to exercise because i feel so self concious.

Anyway, i will check out the thread you mentioned. I think i can say now that one thing i do remember when i was unwell (in mania), that might be an advantage is that i became really creative. I was always drawing and painting and dancing and singing and i started to write alot of poetry, that was actually really good.
Unfortunately, i lost the book that i wrote it all in. But i find that i'm still good at writing poetry now, which makes me feel abit better because i feel there is alittle bit more to me than this illness and studying (which is all i used to do).
(i always wanted to be a dancer and do arts, but it would have been frowned upon in my culture- i guess being manic brought that all out)

Thanx Again.

xx