My Just Forgot What She Said To Hurt Me While Arguing......is This The Bpd? Help!!! - Bipolar Disorder Message Board

coddylove · 05-26-2006, 07:26 AM

The Other Day My Bpd Wife And I Got Into An Argument And She Said The Most Hurtful Thing To Me And I Know That I Heard It Loud And Clear She Said That She Cheated On Me And She Said This As She Was Getting Out Of The Car And I Was Dropping Her Off At Work. I Really Don't Even Know How The Argument Came To Be I Think It Started When I Came Back Home From My Trip To Dallas,tx For A Medical Confrence And I Know How She Gets When I Am Away So I Made Sure That She Had My Schedule For Meetings And I Always Called Her Before And After I Got Out Of My Meetings And We Were Basically On The Phne The Entire Time Excluding The Sleep Time. She Also Went Into A Serious Depression When I Left. She Said That She Did Not Feel Right Because I Had Broken The Routine But I Guess it came From The Back Lash Of That Because The Argument Had Only Happened The Day After I Got Back In Town. She As Usual It Snowballed Into Her Screaming, And Cursing At Me From The Top Of Her Lungs And Threating To Break All My Windows Out And To Leave Me And All That Stuff (you Know It Only Hurts When I Think About,,,,,*sigh Oh Well For Better Or Worse Right?) Which I Have Trained Myself To Just Be Quiet And Take It Rather Than Talk And Fuel The Flames. But When She Said That She Had Cheated On Me It Really Hurt Especially Coupled With The Fact That We Have Not Had Sex Within The Past 6 Months. I Could Not Really Let It Get To Me Right Then And There B/c I Was Driving Off And I Had To Hurry Up And Get Back to work B/c I Had Taken Her Out To Lunch For Both Of Breaks. But Last Night She Said That She Did Not Even Remember Saying That To Me. I Have Heard Of Loosing Control Of What You Say While In An Argument, But This Goes Alittle To Far And I Also Would Like To Know If This Really Does Happen To Woman With Bpd Or Is She Just Lying To Cover Her Tracks And Knows That If She Just says Tht She Can't Remember Then I Won't Hold It Against Her . When Giving Me Your Opinions Please Note That My Wife Did Have From Monday Afternoon Untill Last Night To Think About What She Would Say. But Could This Explain Why She Never Apologizes For What She Says To Me That Next Day Of A Few Hours Later I Don't Know Please Help.

coffeegirl2 · 05-26-2006, 07:57 AM

Did she say that 'I cheated on you?' or 'You cheated on me?'... I am having a hard time reading your post Coddy. You wrote it very rapidly. I know you are very upset. Please rewrite the first sentences a little bit so we can understand clearly. I'm sorry. I just want to understand. Why do I ask?

Here is why....

When I was SEVERELY Manic I did this to my DH. And it was horrible. For months, I accused him of having an affair. I was severely delusional. And, I didn't know it because I absolutely believed it was happening to the point where I couldn't sleep, eat, or think straight!! I grew to the point where I hated him and hated the sight of him- and that was not how I truely felt about him because in reality I loved my DH; I was VERY, VERY SICK. And, my pdoc/tdoc tried to explain this to me but they couldn't get it through my thick head; no one could.

To fast forward and make things a very long story short, I went through about 3-4 months of this til the pdoc finally put me on such a heavy dose of meds to the point where I was so lethargic that I could barely walk. That doped me out and made me actually take 3 steps backwards and think. I was able to get the right dosage of drugs in my system I needed- finally, with the right cocktail, and it worked! That is the key; finding the right drug combination for her. She needs a good pdoc with the right drug combination immediately!!!

My DH and I went through after that a few months worth of marital therapy due to what I did to our marriage, and I went through 3 days worth of weekly therapy for 3 the next 3 months and saw the pdoc weekly for a long time because in my state- I was not able to get put in the hospital because I wasn't 'manic' or 'depressed' enough and my pdoc was dissed about that and so was my family. I was very, very sick and was dangerous to myself and to others (couldn't drive well and care for my children) and was very suicidal at that time. But was rejected from the hospital.

My DH didn't give up on me when everyone else in our family did. ANd, everyone was telling him to leave me. It was sad. He stayed with me because he loved me. ANd, our intimate life suffered for sometime too from what I remembered as well at that point in time. It was all due to delusions.

If she is delusional, she needs help desperately. If she is having an affair, then you need to seek marital therapy to help her get her steered into the right direction. My heart goes out to you right now. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

Coffeegirl

littletimebomb · 05-26-2006, 12:01 PM

coddylove
I'm so sorry. So, so, so, so, so, sorry. You must be in an incredible amount of pain and what is worse, your wife is only focused on her own pain and giving some of it to you.
Yes, I have memory lapses when in an extreme state of crisis. The world becomes very far away and I become very confused and frightened. Think of her as a wounded animal in a corner. Her lizard brain feels she is fighting for survival.
If she is behaving this way she is having a serious episode and her meds are NOT WORKING. This behavoir is unacceptable and symptomatic of someone with BPD in crisis.
I often find, if there is something very difficult I need to accomplish, I will make it through and accomplish the big thing, but then immediately afterwards I crash. This happened to me only last week.
After sending out the most important of my fellowship applications and working a busy mother's day shift which had me exhausted, I crashed so hard it took me over a week to fully recover. And it would have taken much longer, I think, if I hadn't done everything I'm supposed to do when that happens.

Make sure she's eating and sleeping well, drinking lots of water (dehaydration causes deprssion) and exercising intermittently throughout the day. Aviod sugar and caffeine and take vitamins. It is always important for BPD's to do these things but especially important when imbalanced.
Doing these things kept me from becoming emotionally unstable. I had severe panic attacks, but didn't get depressed. Had I not done all the right things, I know I would be in a very bad state now.

Get her meds checked. Tell the pdoc that it is unnacceptable for her to feel this way so often and that something must be done. She does not have to settle for those feelings that afflict her. A managed illness means no episodes. And it is possible.
Monitor her moods. It is very important to find the signs of oncoming mania or depression so she can take extra care to get the things she needs to make her feel better.
The key is balance. If she feels out of balance towards mania or depression, she should immediately examine her lifestyle and look for the triggers. If she was relatively stable before this, there are obvious triggers with finals and such. If she hasn't achieved any stability, then it is time to take some action.

I know you're living in a crazy world you don't understand and the one person you can turn to is the one creating the pain and chaos. To make this position more tenable, encourage good lifestyle habits, don't fight with her symptoms (I can see you already do that) and offer her love when she is at her worst. The latter I'm sure is the hardest. But try to ignore her words and see her symptoms.
You can't argue with a BPD about an episode while they're having it. She is beyond reach when she is lashing out at you. Try to see that scared wounded animal in a corner.
I like to compare BPD to diabetes. Both are managable illnesses. And both require a lot of participation on the part of the patient.
Just as diabetics have to keep a constant watch on their blood sugar to maintain a balance in their bloodstream, BPD's need to pay the same attention to their moods to keep their brain chemestry balanced.
I hope you can get her stable. Please know that it is possible and she will return to you. That sweet person is the person she could be all of the time.
Hang in there.
littletimebomb