beforeXdishonor

Well let's just start off with a little bit of background..
I'm in my mid-twenties, happily married and have a pretty basic and happy life.
At age 5 I was diagnosed with ADD, always had trouble in school, flunked 5th grade, 8th grade and 9th grade twice before dropping out. It's not that I'm stupid, I guess I just never really had the urge to apply myself. But not only that, I had/have the hardest time concentrating on things. I was always hyper or moody, depressed and talked too darn fast. Over the years I somehow slowed down due to everyone breathing down my back about it, but sometimes I still talk way too fast and don't know it until someone says something. Never on earth did anyone think this was a problem. I've been employed since I was 16 but only kept 2 jobs longer than a year, and most were just for a few months. When I was younger, I was a pretty violent person, I changed alot over the years and are nowhere near as violent as I used to be.

A few years ago, I got into a relationship, we were together for a few years, I got an apartment for us, thought he was the "one" and landed the perfect job. The relationship turned abusive, resulting in me getting my violent side back, which made for some pretty nasty fights. I eventually had enough, Threw him out, and basically went a little over the edge. I started drinking everyday, doing drugs, stopped being financially responsible, ended up owing the bank over a grand and drank every paycheck away at the bar, and started to have numerous one night stands.

I moved back home, kept up the irresponsible acts, started freaking out at work, with crying spells, falling asleep, zoning out, yelling at people over the phone, not doing my job, etc. I knew something was wrong so I called the DR and was diagnosed with Bipolar rapid cycling. This made sense as I now knew why I was sad one minute and then bouncing off the walls the next. I was put on Zyprexa, which had days were I felt like a zombie and then a week later, I was almost immune to it, and it did absolutely nothing for me.

That was about 2 years ago, and I haven't been on meds since. I met my husband and we got married this past February. He's a great guy, we have our trials and tribulations, he knows about my "extra sense of character, or lack there of at times" and seems to help me thru it for the most part. He just doesn't understand it fully, and I don't want to press making him understand.

I feel pretty uselss to him, as I haven't been much of a provider, being that every job I have gotten since we've been together, I either get fired from or quit because I can't handle the stress.

I for some reason always think he has a hidden agenda, or motives behind his words, Lately I have been completely paranoid that someone is going to break into the house and kill us, I constantly tell myself that he's going to find someone more normal. I've been having more ( I always have since I was little) dreams of death and murder.

Some days, I'm extremely clingy and begging for affection, and other days I want to be alone, all day. Some days I have no idea what mood I'm actually in because I feel like I'm so many in one.

I feel like I'm just losing my mind! I set up an assessment with a Pdoc, but they haven't called back yet to give me the actual green light from the registration process..2-10 days.

But in the meantime, I feel so completely worthless. I always feel like life has me by the tail and I have to go in whatever direction it's flinging me in.

Does anyone else ever feel like this?