I hate being Bipolar and evrything about my life - Bipolar Disorder Message Board

*Lai* · 06-01-2006, 04:39 PM

I guess eveybody would say that they hate their illness because obviously its not a nice thing to have or go through, but i am really honestly sick of everything and i have no control over my life and nothing to look forward to in my life either.

I dont know what type of bipolar i am but i can be very depressed one minute and then slighly hyper the next (i wouldnt call it mania), but i suffer the depression alot (x a billion) more (to the point where i self harm, which i did just a few minutes earlier), especially these past few months.

I have a very negative and self- critical self -image (does that make sense)and i really drill myself into the ground sometimes. I want to change it, but i feel its all true so why lie to myself. I'm always really really moody, i get bitchy(am i allowed say that?) and nasty with my bf and i dnt kno why. I'm angry at myself that i cant help him with his problems and i cant be more patient with him.
I get annoyed and moody with my mum and i argue with my sisters n brothers. My sister told me today that i critisize her too much, just because i didnt like it when she was driving fast and i asked her if she had her seat belt on. I cant help but feel anxious in the car with her. She also brought up sumit about me not liking the colour of some clothes she brought for mum, i thought that was just stupid because that was my personal opinion and taste.
Anyway, i, as always, took that as me being exactley who i think i am, a horrible, nasty, person who is no good to anyone and just ruins everyones life. I am no fun to be around (i used to be), i am selfish and i only care about myself. I dont kno if its what others would say but i believe it.

Also i have nothing to look forward to in life. I dnt want kids anymore(well i do but i'l ruin there lives n be a bad mum) and i'm thinking that i should forget about marriage too because i dont want my husband(my bf) and my kids to have an awful life because of me and my Bipolar, Anxiety and everything else. I know i'll pass everything onto them and i wont be able take care of them. I know i'll embarrass them in my cummnity because they'll have a mother/wife who is mentally ill and would probably have to be hospitlised for it.

The other thing is that I cant go into the career that i want (healthcare) because i'l get paranoid that i'l learn about an illness and things that can go wrong with the body and then i'l apply it to myself ( i do that all the time, its so horrible), my family and loved ones. I really wanted to make a difference in someones life, i wanted to feel that i was doing something to improve someone elses life even though i cant improve mine. I want to go into physio because i know seeing the reaction of someone learning to walk again or knowing they'll be better again will make me appreciate life more and make me overwhelmed with happiness. But there are alot of reasons why i cant go into that, but its mainly because i will get paranoid about what i study and i know i'll get stressed out to the max and prob get ill again.
I also considered social work, but again i'm afraid the stress wil make me ill.

I kno you might be thinking why wory about all these things now because i am young (21yrs), but my culture is very family orientated and it will be very frowned upon if you get into your late 20s and your not married with kids. Also i kno who i'm gettin married to and thats in about 5-6 yrs time, but its not nice to make the other person think we'll be gettin married when i might not be. I dont want anyone else but him and he wont give up on me. But i am starting to convinde myself that there is no hope so that my feelings for him will fade (although i dont want them to).

The reason why i'm worried about my career is that i need to make my decision by september. I really dont want to stretch things out anymore, i am really dissapointed in myself that i'm at this age and i a m still trying to decide about my career. I wanted to be in a job by now, so i feel like a failure and i'm worthless. I guess you have no control over your life and things never go towards plan.

At the moment, i am very scared at the thought of getting ill, either through stress related to studying or a job or any other reason. I know how my illness effected my family and i dont want to do that to them again. I was really a big burden to them and i kno they were sick of me. I can still remember how much my mother hated my being unwell, she was just fed up and the worst thing was i felt i had no1. I just dont want to get that from my mum again. Also my dad was very stressed aswell, it hurt me so bad to see my dad like that, i would have preferred to have died then see my dad that unhappy and stressed. I feel i will do the same to my family when i get married.

I also dont want to make a fool of myself like i did when i was manic. Because of that i now dont have many friends and i avoid people and places. I get extreamly embarassed and critical of myself when i think about what happened and if anyone mentions anything about it. I just dont want it to happpen again. I have only had the one episode so i have no idea if it'l be to te same degree or if it'l be less. I feel i wont even know i'm manic and its just going to lead to misery.

Anyway, i am sorry if you have heard all this before but i had to get it out my system. I am actually kinda sittting here and i cant realy remember why i began to type this and if i should delete it or submit it.

I could have gone on for alot longer but i thought i'd leave the issue about my weight and depression for another time because i'm sure no1 will want to read my long post.

If you have read this to the end, thank you and i hope you are good and well. Take Care.

xx

agarcia1 · 06-01-2006, 05:30 PM

"Lai" .. I'm sorry to hear how you're feeling. I believe my husband has bipolar. I can't say that it has been easy dealing with him but a lot of the times, his good days are what I get up for every morning. Yes, he has put us through a lot of pain and stress, but if you love somebody, you learn to get through anything. It sounds like if you have a very caring BF. If he loves you, he's going to be willing to be with you no matter what. Give him the chance. I know that you may feel that you will be a burden on your family but you can't be so negative. My husband is 24 years old and still has the rest of his life to go through. We've been together for 9 years married 1 year. He tells me the same thing that you say. All I can tell him is that I love him and that I have a choice. That choice is to be with him no matter what and help him with this illness. I'm not saying that it's easy, but love can get you through it. All you have to do is communicate with each other. Talk to your BF and let him know how you feel. Make sure he knows where you're coming from. Hope I can be of some help.

Take Care.
Annette

bpd_bipolar · 06-02-2006, 06:43 AM

Hi there. I do have Bipolar and Bpd, my boyfriend also has bipolar and ADHD........needless to say that both of us together are a handful, but you have to believe there is hope.

I live with this disease, the disease doesn't live with me. I am the one who has control and even when things seem to spiral out of control, I grab it back. Yes, I have self harmed and I have also fought it off. You need to get in touch with yourself and really find out what your triggers are and try to avoid them or stop them before they get to you.

I know that this seems a little easier to say than to do, but I have been doing this for years, I have had my 2 kids adopted out and lost my marriage.......there isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss my kids, BUT I decided to have other people raise them so I would screw their heads up.

Now that I have been with my boyfriend (the bipolar) for over 3 years I get to see from another perspective of how it is to deal with a bipolar, so I get to see what my husband had to deal with and it isn't easy. It is also a learning experience for me as well. It gives me new ways to try to deal with myself. Almost like a mirror.

As for the have to have a family thing and be married, I am not downing your beliefs at all, but I have always thought that is one thing you should do when you are ready, not when someone else is. This is your life and only you can live it. No one is you. They aren't going through exactly what you are.

Again, not putting your traditions down or anything, just giving my opinion.

I hope I have helped a little. There are skills you can learn to cope with bipolar. There is a book by Marsha Linehan, I suggest it strongly. My doc has used it to help teach me skills to use when I get into 'moods' and it helps.

Take care and I hope things get better.

BP_Puff&Stuff · 06-02-2006, 07:36 AM

Honey, I'm sorry I was unable to read your entire post but I did see the headline. If i remember correctly, your diagnosis is recent??? Sweetheart, everybody gets that way, bipolar or not. I know that sometimes I get consumed with my disorder, my Title, and I cannot think of anything else. Everytime I get upset, I get upset at being upset because I automatically think that I would not have been mad if I were not bipolar. Sometimes I have to take a step back and realize that I am human. I have feelings and I am allowed to express them. I can get mad at things, I am allowed to cry, I can get elated at other things and I am allowed to be excited. I do not have to stiffle my emotions because they might be extreme. I also do not have to apologize for my emotions especially when I have multiple and differeing emotions within a small timeframe. I have come to a place where I love being bipolar, it makes me different, it makes me unique. I am fortunate enough to have a good combination of medications that work for me. Sure, feeling sad when you were happy just a minute ago sucks out loud but remeber, it always turns around. In being bipolar, all you ever have to do is wait a while and it will turn around.
I sincerly hope you get to feeling better about being Bipolar. Let us know if your spirit uplifts.

kathryn00 · 06-02-2006, 12:05 PM

hello! i just wanted to say that society or our own family tells us when we should do this, when we should do that. "you should be married by 24 yrs." "you should be working in your dream job by this time."

if you look at it, it is just not realistic. what works for some, may not work for others. we all have our own pace, especially if we are dealing with an illness.

so, don't beat yourself up. you know what is realistic for you. if others don't understand, then there is nothing you can do about it except hope that will will let you be to figure things out for yourself.

take those burdens off your back. focus on the things that you can improve on. it takes sometimes years to become a stable individual once you are diagnosed. keep working on it. never, ever give up because it does get better!

i am so glad to hear about your supportive boyfriend. not many of us have that. the one thing you alone know is what is best for you. don't lose out because you have doubts. you have more work to do and if he is sticking by you now, then he will reap the benefits of all your hard work. he can see past all of the crap and into your soul.

hope this helps! keep on trying! you are one of the few lucky individuals who have been given a chance to become the person you know you are. you are forced to look deep inside and define yourself.

kathryn