So tired of fighting this disease - Bipolar Disorder Message Board

Ailene · 07-10-2006, 07:58 PM

My name is Ailene and I've been battling bipolar depression for a very long time. My situation is similar to many others with being misdiagnosed in the teenage years and a father abusing alcohol. I don't think trying street chemicals has anything to do with being bi-polar especially if you were trying to self medicate. I am very much older now, have my own family, and my first breakdown began happening to me while I was pregnant with my child. The full-blown breakdown was nine days after her birth. I was given a "cocktail" of antipressants and lithium with a small amount of anti-anxiety medication. Now 17 years later I've been prescribed a new "cocktail" which includes lithium, trileptal, seroquel, levoxyl and 4X the anti-anxiety drug. I was even given too much levoxyl (thyroid medicine) to manage the weight gain from lithium (was told I was hypothyroid) and my TSH completely shut down! When that happened I became hyperthyroid. All the drugs I had been taking at that point were increased. I wound up checking into a hospital for 5 days and out patient program for 2 and half weeks Couldn't sleep even with all the drugs I was being given until they figured out they would have to cut down on the levoxyl. Now I'm getting fat again 12 pounds heavier in about a month. Still have break through anxiety with 3 additional drugs added, increase of lithium and anti-anxiety drugs. My family is not there for me when I need them most - they just don't get it. I'm always the one who has to pull everyone together to go out and do things. Mealtime together - what's that? I was very involved in my church and suddenly I just didn't feel like particpating anymore. Does anyone call including my pastor? Well, I guess you know what the answer to that is . . . I hate feeling like an outcast. I hate hiding my feelings because when I let them out they flood everyone and everything. My therapist says that every feeling and thought is a valid one. I want to believe that but sometimes trying to use cognitive behavior skills is just such a struggle! Why can't I just have my feelings and not be looked at like I'm irrational, out of control, or invalid. What I feel does matter and I'm tired of being swept under the rug. I've taken every pill that I've been asked to; however I don't know when, how, or if I will ever be "normal." So basically, I remain just hiding my hurt so that no one knows that I'm still not well. I've come to this place to share and I hope that somewhere there can be understanding and healing.

MillaRose · 07-10-2006, 08:38 PM

Ailene,
Finding an outlet is so important. And family can be more hurt than help sometimes. They don't understand that Bipolar illness cannot be willed away.
Is there anyone in your family that you miss spending time with, a sibling maybe? I find so much support with my sister. The best part about is that she asks me for advice and we don't even talk about that aspect of my life. It can be refeshing.

Ailene · 07-11-2006, 11:11 PM

Hi MillaRose:

Thank you for responding. Actually, my daughter and I are going to visit my sister and her daughters in August. I try to visit my sister at least once a year - more important these last few years as she has had to endure several female operations due to adhesions that keep coming back. Generally, we keep each other going by making weekly phone calls and now with "my space" my daughter and her daughters are closer than ever (even though we live very far away). We have made some great plans for when we get there and my brother will also be flying in (he also lives far away). This upcoming trip is something I have to look forward to. My other outlet is going to the gym, my job, going shopping, watching movies at home or at the theater, trying new restaurants, listening to music and just recently, this forum. I am also a musician so this is something I need to get back to. There are people I should call - that's been a problem for me. The bottom line is trying to stay connected with people that you care about and that care about you and when you can't have that, make yourself go out and do something productive - sometimes that means trying something new, sometimes just going with what makes you comfortable. Staying inside, being alone, and getting smothered in your sadness doesn't help anyone. What are your thoughts?

Ailene

goody2shuz · 07-12-2006, 06:18 AM

Hi, Ailene

Just wanted to say a quick hi and welcome you. This is a great place to be. I am here to seek support as they evaluate, diagose and stabilize my 15 year old daughter.

Right now she is in a facility for an indefinite time since she had been hospitalized 3 times in the past 8 months for cutting and 2 suicide attempts. With the psychological testing and observation she has been diagnose with Major depression and Non specific Bipolar.

Like you, she is a musician....she loves to sing and has done excellent in statewide testing. I think that the music is the one thing that keeps her connected to expressing herself and getting her through those difficult moments. And I think that the more you are able to express and let out with this disorder (in healthy ways) the better it is. I think that you should get back to the music....that will definitely help. Do you like to paint or sketch??? I have read that even if you are not good at it that is another thing to do that will help. Perhaps taking a class will be a way to learn and also alow you to be with ther people. Journaling is another thing you can do to release some of what you need to from within. Holding it in is the worse thing you can do and by your post you feel as if you need to but there are other ways to let it out. I think you need to do that.

Of course coming here is a way to do that too.

So welcome to the boards and I do hope that you stick around and let us help you in anyway you may need to even if it is just to talk & listen.

And I do agree...even if you need to force yourself to do so....get out there even if it is to just take a walk (I just read recently that a 20 minute walk does wonders even for somebdy facing Major Depression). Go to the library or mall even if it is to be with other people. Like you said....the worse thing to do is to sit alone with your depression. And talk to your pdoc.....perhaps you may need adjustment with the meds.

We are here for you with (((HUGS))) for a better day ~ Goody

Ailene · 07-12-2006, 04:42 PM

Hi Goody!

Thank you so much for your support. I'll bet both you and your daughter are lovely people. I went into the hospital 3 times as a teen, mainly because my parents didn't know what else to do with me. The medicine I was given was mainly tranquilizers - no antidepressants. These times were mainly frightening ones for me and the only thing that got me through was playing cards with the other "inmates". I remember feeling so cold and shaking all over and laying on an uncomfortable bed. The psychiatrists were either confrontational or trying to take advantage of me. I don't know how I convinced them to let me out of these places but I did. I'm not trying to alarm you - but I would advise that you try to see your daughter as much as the facility allows and let her know that a) you are not disappointed in her; b) that you and the doctors will do everything possible to help her overcome anxiety; c) that even though it seems to be taking a really long time for her to feel better that she will; d) documenting the progress from one day to the next can be helpful (even if she has highs and lows); e) make sure she tells the doctors everything even if she thinks it's dumb or unrelated - leaving things out can cause misdiagnosis. Everything she thinks or feels is valid! Is she allowed to practice her music or any other hobbies that she likes while she is there? Unfortunately, my situations were restrictive - even my hospitalization this past March. Although they did have art therapy and it really made me feel so much better to create and be around the other patients - sometimes I felt like talking - sometimes not, but the freedom to create was delightful! I hope that your daughter will discover what a wonderful person she is as she becomes stabilized.

You asked if I paint - I use acrylic paints and like to paint ceramic figurines and wooden objects (small jewelry boxes, bird houses, etc.). I play the violin also.

Please let me know how things are going and if there is anything I can provide in the way of insight. You know the doctors are "practicing" medicine and don't always have the answers. Your being proactive for your daughter, asking lots of questions, getting several opinions, and being a part of this forum can definitely make a big difference. I can tell that you love your daughter very much and that means everything. Even if she can't share her love with you right now. Although I don't know your situation completely, I can tell you that when she is feeling better she will know that she gathered her strength from you and you will once again have a loving relationship. Again, I thank you for your support and I am here to support you.

Ailene