pucca_chick

Ive never bin to a doc-im 2 scared, but ive posted on all sorts of sites and they have mentioned bipolar several times to me. for the record-i have hidden depression, self harm, eating probs and all that for 3 yrs-but things r quieter now

neway, im not like i used to be tho. i used to be always always down, for 2months straight i cried(in secret-i was alone most of the time),didnt speak, was very snappy, was desperate, hopeless and just did not care and i cud hardly sleep. i cudnt get ne worse and ended up almost jumping out a eindow.

suddenly tho it picked up, i still cried but not as badly at all, not as much and now i never cry. in the past 3 yrs ive only had one more of these 'bad' episodes were i dnt want to wake up. now im usually numbish. i act normally and on sum level feel normal, but then i just have accepted it and move on. i dnt care about much now and i just feel like everything is just one long sigh. i can function(until there is an arguement-then i crack up-cutting and that kind of thing).

however there are times wen i go a bit nuts. but it only lasts a day maybe an afternoon, even minutes-to hours. i feel buzzing, nothing is wrong or ever was wrong-thats what i convince myself. i jump and run around just to burn the energy i feel while shouting(im 18-a bit old to be doing this), im told i talk too fast, no1 has a clue what im saying,. i talk rubbish, bounce from topic to topic-and have sum random thoughts like-what if monkeys wore clothes, or one day i told my dad that i i thought my dog was spanish and that if he were a person-he wud be spanish, i found this all hilarious and cud not control my laffter(i get like that-my body is almost tickling-wierd). it gets annoying to others, my mom asked once if i was on drugs-in a half serious half joking tone. i get all these ideas, thoughts stumble over one another, i get impatient and cant wait for pple to finsih talking before i do, my body is itching and bouncing around inside. i feel great, i can do anything i want with my life and consequences dont matter-lke i chose a really bad idea for a uni course-then wen i came back down i regretted it big time but was stuck with it.i also feel that i dont have to sleep-like i can just be awake till the early hours of the morning then be up again-for several days-then i just gop into tired mode for a while again.

im a shy quiet person, but wen in one fo these moods i will talk to absolutley ne1 and every1-i dont shut up, no1 has a clue and i say nonsense things sumtimes-which yes can be funny but also annoying. it feels like im drunk or on speed or sumthing.i wont sit still, i won foucus on one thing and i get impatient listening to others boring stories(this makes me appear rude sumtimes), also i think i confuse people with the way sumtimes im so open with them, hyper and talking away, then the next im not interested, its like suddenly im soically stunted and interacting just does not come naturally. i used to out it down to sugar rushes or sumthing, but i think its more-they just hapen for no reason. it usually happens once a day sumtimes more sumtimes not for a few days. the rest of the time im either what i now know as normal(just floating along-neither happy or sad), i feel like ive lost feeling of the two extremes-i dnt know what is proper happy and what is sad. there is like a scale-extatic, thern normal as ive described, then there is bottom of the pit(think of suicie, dnt want ne1 near me or talking, very very angry.

no1 noticed the depressing moods really-im not a sharing person wen it comes to feelings. i keep it in and mostly take out anger at home, wen im hyper sumtimes it annoys then other times they like it but they always say"now wait and see-later on u wont be able to even speak to u"-as in ill be angry. this has gone past just hormones-im 18 and have had this for 3 years- i arrange things and then regret it later cos i dnt want to or am not in the mood, i change my mind constantly. what shud i do, does this sound like it cud be bipolar or that cycolthymic thing(yes i know thats spelt wrong). im thinking of going to the docs in spetember-what do u think. ne storeis?? xox