Girlz4Prez

Once again I messed up. I quit another job. If I had a penny for every time I told myself I was not going to sabotage my own life again I would be rich. I am coming to terms with the fact I am a mental midget. For whatever reason I do not function as a productive person of society. I suck.

I am tired of fighting and hoping and trying to be what I am not. Maybe I have to accept, I am what I am.

I am constantly trying to change, to improve, to become a better person. It is not working.

At some point I have to learn what I can change about myself and what I can not change about myself. I am smart enough to know I am dumb. I would much rather be blissfully ignorant. You know those people, that walk through life in complete oblivian.

Each time I try again.

Now I am lucky, in addition to the Dealer (aka) Dr. I see a therapist this time. Do not fool yourself. Your Dr is more like a dealer. For years I have seen many Dr.s and it is the same old situation. In all fairness to the dealers I look functional. I do not drool, I have my teeth, I am clean and attractive. For all intents and purposes I look normal and functional.

The dealer never gets it. I am not fine. I quit jobs, all of the time.

I have quit ****** jobs, good jobs, and great jobs. I quit all jobs eventually. It's the same scenerio each job I quit. Initially excited, learning new things, yippy. Then I start talking to others and this is where I get into trouble. I am candid. I am too candid. I am the first to tell you like it is. I have zero skills in regards to office politics or company culture. I see everything in black and white. I mean your not sort of pregnant, your either pregnant or your not.

Upon initial employent they love me. I am smart and have a high work ethic.

Eventually my mouth ruins it.

Maybe that is the answer. I should be a mute.

For me to be a mute they would have to wire my mouth shut, I have no self control over my communication "weapon." My mouth is a weapon of sorts. I can cut off legs with my mouth. I leave people in shock and awe and don't even know I am doing it at the time. It is wierd to say the least.

I do not hate my boyfriend but you would never know that if someone played a tape of my words. We argue, I go right for the juggular. I go below the belt immediately. You hurt me a little, I'll hurt you alot, I guess is the madness of me. I am mean with my mouth. I do not plan to be. I don't wake up and say "who will I destroy emotionally today with my words" it just happens. Sometime often, sometimes not for a while, but it is inevitable, and that is what sucks. No matter how close you are to me, no matter how much I love you, I will beat you down. What a viscious cycle I weave.

Off topic, where the hell is spell check on here?

I can take what they call medicince but I affectionately term knock out pills. I feel like I have tried them all.

Lithium sent me to my knees, literally. I was mixing kool ade and hit the deck. I had rining in my ears and a lovely uncontrollable eye twitch. Thats always fun. Your eyes twitching and hearing as if your in a tunnel or stuck in a sea shell. My head always felt stuffed and heavy. Not to mention I slept all day unable to stay awake. I tried timing the drugs for the knock out effect but it just did not work.

I took eskilith same family as lithium same affects.

Prozac freaked me out. Made me cry all the time. It was a wild ride to say the least and definately not a drug for me.

I have taken the dealers cocktails as well.

Zoloft and Depakote. Hey that was great. I went from a size 6 to a size 12. Gaining that much weight made me more depressed. So depokote made me fat and zoloft had no effect.

I can't remember the names right now but if it's a med to treat bi polar I have taken it. I have yet to find the right one or right mix for me. I am scared there is none for me.

No winning formula for Ginger. No resolving therapy for Ginger. I am afraid I have to go through the rest of my life being me. There is no fix, no cure. That is where my head is at. At what point do I have to accept and stop trying to change.

What qualities or disfunctions of myself I am stuck with. Can I ever improve and if so on which traits?

The bottom line is I am back to square one. No job. Once again, I have to put on the smooze and lie my way in. I can't tell them I have had, who knows how many jobs, over the years, so I lie. I count on the fact that only 15% of employers check.

I lie my way into pay scales of 60k and I lie my way into being a server for $3.90 an hour plus tips at a local chain restaurant.

I can obtain the professional jobs when I am on a high, feeling confident. When in a confident state of mind, I am like a train. I have not been in that "right frame of mind" for a few years now. That sucks. I'd rather be high then low. I get more done and I think better too.

I am in this low funk. I have to take steps of action and I can hardly leave the house. I have to get a job asap. I have to be able to support myself yesterday. I have no time for a low funk right now. I need a high. I need the confidence to pick myself up and brush myself off right now.

I have got to stop sabotaging my life! It is sick sick sick.