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Old 08-09-2006, 11:56 PM   #1
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everything that can possibly go wrong, i find a way to make it worse

forgive me for my choice of words.
i have never been happy. i didn't have a childhood, really, aside from crying, having panic attacks, being two years younger than my classmates, being verbally abused by family and faculty, being experimented on, and even hurting myself at seven, and blaming my stepdad--no one believed or gave a sh t how much he would hurt me emotionally. i've been seeing countless amounts of incompetent doctors for the past eleven years, and no one will listen to me or even try to diagnose me. i'm not good with speaking to doctors, so i took the time to write how i felt, and the doctor didn't even glance at it. i can't "try another one", because i've been to every office in the area. anyway. i've only had one friend in my entire life, and we lost touch when i was about ten. now, he's grown up, and i fear he'll try to make a move on me if i get in touch. somehow, i manage to f ck up social situations in every single way imaginable. if i finally get the courage to talk to someone, they will just look at me funny and talk to another person instead. if they do talk to me, i tend to assume i've made a friend (i've forgotten what making friends feels like--i made my only one when i was four). well, say i try to get in touch with them again. i desperately want friends. if i am sad because they haven't e-mailed me all week, i am obsessive, clingy, creepy, weird, bad karma, and "emo". now, i really don't like the word "emo" because that is what everyone likes to call me. i'm not just having a bad day, overreacting, trying to get attention, or trying to behave in a way as to mimic the latest fad. i have serious disorders which block me from ever making human contact. it is very, very, very rare for me to ever leave the house other than groceries or buying games. so, if i meet someone, i think i'll finally get friendship again, and have a person to talk to regularly so i won't be driven mad by loneliness. now, what i don't understand is how in the hell this makes me obsessive when i don't have friends and i just want to talk to someone via e-mail, and i want to talk to them within say, three days after a convention, because i am reclusive and have positively nothing to do but wait to hear from someone. i'm not sending them 10 e-mails or doing anything excessive at all. i can't talk to anyone at the vegan forum, because two or three of them will gang up to harrass me there (in a thread about venting, might i add) for not being happy, cheerful, all-knowing, and "perfect" like they are. anyway, i am on two mood stabilizers, and my mom can't even tell what pain i go through just getting by day to day. i even act semi-typical in public, for hours at a time sometimes. so, why am i "creepy"? i know, i shouldn't give a fu k what others say, but i'm trying to prove a point...from the time i was fifteen, about half the teen population in my city had heard from a friend who heard from a friend (et cetera) that i was creepy, obsessive, and even flat-out lies that i don't want to mention. i was harrassed to no end on a popular web site (i know, i shouldn't give a fu k about what others think. i know nearly everything every counselor could tell me about cognitive behavior therapy and rational vs. irrational...i hate being called irrational when i'm just utterly confused); many people threatened my life and left 255 comments in one day about how worthless i was. MANY people did so on other people's boards, like people i wanted to be friends with. someone would say i'm creepy and obsessive, and the potential friend would reply, "ha ha, i think i'll just stay away from that one. lol i heard she's a psycho", or something to that effect (usually a lot more vulgur).
well, i fu ked up another opportunity--this time, potential friend who was very nice to me at the convention has a friend whom i have a very strong opinion thinks i'm creepy. now, these people are from out of state, so they haven't heard the zany rumors about me. i just said i missed my friends from the convention, and i'm waiting for so-and-so to e-mail me back, and the potential friend's buddy stopped talking to me, no longer wants to chat with me, and, if i'm perceiving this correctly, was a total a--hole on my weblog, gave me crappy feedback for my first-ever comment (i know, i shouldn't give a f ck, but i made the damn thing knowing i'd probably be harrassed again, and i really just made it to talk to my two new "friends???"), and he said i won't hear from his friend in a long time (which likely means never, if i know kids my age) (i'll be 18 in three weeks). i'm not stable enough to get a job, choose a career path, or even learn how to drive, much less interact with people outside of conventions or other 3-day events (one day to be reclusive, the next to be extremely cautious, the closing day to try and keep in touch with whichever kind soul decides to talk to me...that's just how i am right now, and mind you, it's a hell of a jump from where i usually am).
i feel like i'm someone's lost soul in my broken body, wandering the earth to try and find inner peace...definitely not my definition of "alive"--i feel about as alive as a terminally-ill person condemned to live in a hospital room, seen by no one but the verbally abusive hospital staff forever and ever. all i ask is for friendship. why, why do people think i'm psychotic and obsessive for wanting someone to hug me and talk to me? does not everyone deserve companionship? oh, by the way, i just got out of a two-year relationship in which the last ten months were complete and utter hell. he was the first one not to use me, injure me, blackmail me, or rape me, and it was utter f cking hell. now i'm not even around that a--hole, just all alone, all day and night, every single day. all i want is to be cared about by a friend...i'm not a f cking creep for wanting a friend! i swear, i don't do anything weird, obsessive, excessive, et cetera, i just want to talk to someone who understands mental illness and likes the same things i like!! something in common with any physical being, not just an avatar writing text on the internet. i'm a f cking wreck, and i'm sorry. please don't recommend therapy, i hear that enough, but like i said, i know everything they could possibly say to me about modifying my thoughts and behaviors, writing things down and highlighting certain things, blah blah blaaaah...and i've been emotionally abused by quite a few in my time. i just want someone to listen to me. i don't want to hear 'those people aren't your friends', 'join a club (there aren't any within 70 miles; yes, i've tried meetup; and my city is full of scum who believe i'm some neurotic, obsessive b tch)', 'find a counselor in a different city/state/whatever', or 'when you get older, things will be better'...i'm not trying to sound mean, but i honestly have heard that every time anything has been wrong with me for the last eleven years (well, if they don't harrass me or break my spirit first). by the way, things aren't looking too sunshiney if things have only become worse in the last decade--people told me it would be better later in life back then, too. some might say i'm assuming things; if that's the case, flame away.
so, i f cked up another opportunity, and i'm completely alone now. i'm sure that nice guy thinks i'm some some sort of f cking stalker now...at least his closest friend does. damn it all. i f ck everything up for everyone...and wherever i go, i'm just bad news.

 
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Old 08-10-2006, 12:12 AM   #2
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mnd4u HB User
Re: everything that can possibly go wrong, i find a way to make it worse

I know this might sound repetitive, but these boards really do seem to help, and there are a TON of understanding and caring people who come in here with great advise, most because they have been there or ddone that. I can here just recently after feeling like all has gone wrong or is going to go wrong if I am involved and I also came here to get support on meds. issues, and just basic day to day issues. They people that are in here are comforting, as they DO understand what you are going through. Dont give up. There is a light up ahead, even when you think things cannot possibly become better. They can, and I know that for a fact. I have gone through alot this past year with the most major things being my Best friend of 14 years died at age 20 in Oct. and my grandmother that helped raise me died in June, and I didnt think especially after my best friend went, that I would be here still today after going through all of that plus my own personal problems and ups and downs. But you see, sometimes it takes days, months, YEARS of pain suffering and emotional turmoil for that day to come that you feel like you finally understand everything, and things begin to go UP instead of down. At the end of every rollercoaster you have to go down right, to get to the end, but did you ever think to remember that in order to get off of it you have to stand UP? I know stupid, but someone told me that the other day. There will always be that one counselor or psychiatrist that is the right one for you, and I pray that you will find them soon, and there will be that one friend that you find that really gets you. But through it all you have the people that are in this board, and let me be the first to say it really does help. Please keep us posted on how things are going.

 
Old 08-10-2006, 12:17 AM   #3
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the_technogoat HB User
Re: everything that can possibly go wrong, i find a way to make it worse

thank you. i apologize for rambling; i just found myself dazed and crying uncontrollably and i needed to tell someone what was going on, since i seem to hide important feelings from others. i am wondering if lunar phases have anything to do with my moods...i'll have to make note of my crappiest days and look for a pattern. it's worth a shot, and if i know when i'm going to be especially down, maybe i'll see it coming like i do with pill packs. (sorry if that was too much information.) i'll keep updates mostly on my other thread.

 
Old 08-10-2006, 12:28 AM   #4
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mnd4u HB User
Re: everything that can possibly go wrong, i find a way to make it worse

What is your other thread. That sounds like a really good idea. I have just today started a thing to jot down my moods and things of that such to see if I can find a pattern so I can catch it before it starts.
We all need someone to talk to sometimes.

 
Old 08-10-2006, 11:08 PM   #5
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the_technogoat HB User
Re: everything that can possibly go wrong, i find a way to make it worse

my other thread should be on the second page of this forum.
what really sucks is how, for the last several years, popular music has made mental illness a "cool fad", and many people think i'm trying to get attention, dwelling on little sh t that i really don't care about, trying to fit the latest clique ("emo"), or 'making a mountain of a molehill'. i've been seeing dozens of doctors ever since i was seven, so it's not like i'm not trying to become more like the typical stable person. i'm doing all that i can. people on other message boards are extremely hostile with me, thinking i'm trying to be a part of the "emo" scene, or exaggerating to get attention. i'm very lucky people aren't like that on this board, and i'm not usually ignored or attacked. i only wish i could function in the way that the people around me do--other people 17-18 are going places, driving, having fun with friends, laughing, smiling, dancing, and aren't paranoid or self-conscious about it...they don't unknowingly whimper and want to knock themselves out after thinking about dancing (or being too shy to), laughing, or making jokes. i don't want to waste my entire life; i haven't even lived yet. my childhood was a mess, my high school years were a blur of being shipped away to mental health wards where i was verbally abused, developing bad habits, being used, being in horrible relationships, et cetera. i've yet to "act my age", so to speak, and i really want to be able to talk to people without them getting mad at me for having feelings other than ditzy or cheery (which apparently makes me "emo").

 
Old 08-11-2006, 07:09 PM   #6
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Re: everything that can possibly go wrong, i find a way to make it worse

Hi dearheart, hope you don't mind me calling you that.

i have not read your first post yet. i am new here and just happened to be interested in the title of your thread. when i can concentrate better i will read your first post.

i just want to say that my 17 yo son talks to me now and then about the "emo" scene. he seems to think that others his age don't want to relate to that scene because these people are seen as being overly emotional.

i am bipolar, diagnosed at 18 and am now 49. i only started taking my lithium as prescribed about 10 years ago because i refused to give up my drinking and recreational drug use as a teenager.

i relate to your experiences and feelings. i relate to your deep sense of wanting to belong and to claim yours. i hear you share about your anguish for not being perceived and related to in the way you want to be.

every day is a new day. with each new day you can make one small change. you can write down all the things about yourself that you want to change and write down all the things that you aspire towards and then work (even in a small way) towards where you want to be.

just sitting in the discomfort of who you have been and who you are today will do nothing to authenticate the person you want to be. you have to act to become. you can leave the past behind along with the hurt and do all that is within your own power to acheive the better for yourself. you alone will make your tomorrows better and your dreams come true. walk away from those that misunderstand you and don't care enuf to respect and love you like you deserve to be loved. refuse the stupid labels and create your own. bipolar folk are some of the MOST creative people i have ever known and i walk in the circle of professionally creative folk so i know what i am talking about.

you have the blessing of being young....on the very threshold of your every potential. don't for one minute let another define your life. you are beautiful in every way. believe it and go for it. i shall do the same. Denise

 
Old 08-11-2006, 07:49 PM   #7
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texascritter HB User
Re: everything that can possibly go wrong, i find a way to make it worse

Hi. What do you think your life would be like if you moved to another state and no one knew anything about you or your past. It would be a new start. What if you did'nt go online where the people said mean things to you. You have the power to leave the past behind. It's not like you would would be leaving alot of friends behind. You can become whoever you want to be and whatever you want to become. You don't owe anyone new in your life an explanation for your old life. You may not be in a position to make changes like that right now but you can start planning this and let it give you a reason for making it happen. I don't know if you could ever change your suitation where you live now. It may be that you can never have the reputation or not have others destroy anything good that you may get going there in the future. People like that usually grow up and quit making fun of others and get to busy to have time for childesh games. I know it hurts. I was picked on my entire childhood, yet I ended up pwning the local paper and being well respected by all. It's just one part of your life. make the most of it to please yourself and don't worry about others and what they think. I hope this helps. TEXASCRITTER

 
Old 08-11-2006, 07:50 PM   #8
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Re: everything that can possibly go wrong, i find a way to make it worse

sorry double entry

Last edited by texascritter; 08-11-2006 at 07:58 PM. Reason: double entry

 
Old 08-13-2006, 11:02 PM   #9
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the_technogoat HB User
Re: everything that can possibly go wrong, i find a way to make it worse

i've wanted to move out of state for quite a while, actually. right now, i'm still a minor with no driver's license, never had a job, and no clue what career path i want. during the fall i should be able to take more driving lessons, which will hopefully get me a license, enabling me to get a job close to home. after that, i will hopefully be able to apply for a job in the city about 80 miles away, and work from there. my concern is that i have two kitties whom i love with all my heart, and i don't want to put them in an apartment. i'm scared to death of them escaping, someone breaking in and hurting them, and neighbors being too much stress for the little guys. so, while moving would be wonderful for me, i must consider the boys first...i don't want to move far away unless i can manage to buy my own home.

 
Old 09-06-2006, 01:26 PM   #10
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Re: everything that can possibly go wrong, i find a way to make it worse

well, i'm on vivactil now, and it's giving me very rapid heartbeat and a dopey feeling like i'm drunk or high. i had to go to the hospital last week for hitting a wall and creating a large hematoma in my fist, which due to its size made my mom think it was broken. well, to top things all off, i just got my driver's license, and i already f cked up. i hit a f cking parked car and now i feel like everyone is staring at my bent license plate. my stepdad, who is prone to verbally abusing me and thinking i'm "mad" when i'm not happy (i.e. terrified of him or any emotion without a smile), will be home any minute. he drives for a living and is terribly critical of me and everything i do. public transportation made me want to die; i don't know if i mentioned it in this thread or not, but it was the worst three months of my life. i don't know what to do. nobody told me how to maneuver in parking lots. my mom is supposed to be on her way home, but is taking what feels like forever, and she's the only one who can take my car away so stepdad won't see. i hate vivactil, and i feel like this dopey feeling is the reason today has been ruined. i don't know what i should do, as psychiatrist has prescribed so many different ad's over the last decade i've nearly run out of options.

 
Old 09-07-2006, 08:04 PM   #11
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Cool Re: everything that can possibly go wrong, i find a way to make it worse

hey i'm new to this but i instantly connected w/your title. i am constantly being told that i can't accept constructive criticism and when i sit back and think about everyone that says that is right i get defensive and i either feel that their trying to put me down or i try to turn it around and put it on them i've been in a relationship for 4yrs now and every time my spouse or my family for that matter tries to say anything to me i always feel that no matter what their trying to say that it's my fault and no matter how hard i try it's just never good enough

 
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