zionspegasus

Rae,
I am sorry your frustration has affected you and your sister's relationships with your mother to the point neither of you are currently speaking to her.

Lying is a common problem for manic depressives, so much is happening in their minds that it is difficult to pick out the appropriate thing to say, so often, they just say the first thing, making it up as they go. Then they have to go back and cover for these impulsive lies.

Because of the impulsivity and lack of judgement common in bipolar, massive credit card debt from ill advised shopping trips are also a well-known symptom. For the moment, while shopping, things seem happy and better, instead of depressed or out of control, but bipolars experience an inability to curb this short term pleasure in the interest of mitigating long term consequences. Like debt and its resulting troubles.

Often because of depression or unreliability manic depressive persons do poorly in work situations, have reduced capacity to do work, or are not very employable. Many, even with adequate treatment and support, do not have jobs for long, or may be on disability.

At times your mother may be incompacitated to the point that others take over and wait on her, but if this is a constant deal, then she may indeed be taking advantage. Or since she has so many present symptoms, I would say that her medication and therapy may not be adequate. But if your mother is happy with them, you may have a difficult time persuading her regarding this.

You can ask her therapist about family therapy if you suspect your mother is not adequately describing her symptoms to the therapist, or simply tell the therapist why you are concerned for your mother without mentioning that you think she is not reporting these things. Your mother may be touched by the expression of concern, but may be angry if she feels you are interfering.

The inappropriate actions in public do seem partly related to bipolar, the impatience and demanding attitude. Or the need to rest more frequently. But it may also be that she is engaging in a protest of sorts, maybe she has an issue with you that she is relunctant to discuss. Thus the antics when the two of you shop together.

Yes, most of these could very well be related to her illness. In general, bipolars feel that unless you are psychotic, then you are responsible for your actions. Yet this is difficult when your actions while ill may be quite different from the behavior you engage in when you are stable. Most have to come to grips with this issue in their own way. Mental illness is baffling in this respect: how do you seperate the symptoms from the individual? Most persons would not blame a cancer patient's symptoms on the patient, but on the illness. But people commonly blame the individual instead of the illness when manic depressives act out symptomatically.

I can see how frustrating it must be to never have proof of her being in the wrong. Yet it is also common for family and friends who have not experienced bipolar, schizoaffective symptoms, or anxiety to not fully understand the impact of these on a person and their life. I believe that every thing you have stated indicates that your mother is wrong in one respect at least, her illness is a very present reality and is not receiving adequate treatment.

While ill, your mother may not be able to control these actions lying, cheating, impulsivity, depression, etc., these symptoms do not constitute your mother. Her character doesnt change because she is ill and not in control of her actions. If you suspect that the things you have listed are character issues, then that is another issue, one in which I can offer no advice. If your mother receives adequate treatment however, unless these actions are truly a part of her character, then she will be able to be in control of her life and actions while maintaining stability. However, periods of instability will be a constant possibility at later dates. Something to be watched for, I would urge you to talk to her therapist and/or her doctor immediately. It is important to well manage bipolar disorder, undertreatment results in a worsening condition.

I hope that you will soon reconcile with your mother, bipolars need all the support they can get from family and friends. Difficulty in relationships is always stressful on both parties. I know this may not be the reply you were hoping for, but I hope it will be helpful to you in sorting out your mom's behaviors and differentiating them from the person you know.

Compassionately, zion

I am new to this board, but have been diagnosed with bipolar, schizoaffective disorder, and generalized anxiety disorder for more than 15 years.