Liberian12

Greetings,

(27 year old male) I've had manic depression since I was around 17 years old. I wasn't diagnosed until I was 20 and at that time, I was diagnosed with straight depression, not manic depression. So, I was put on Zoloft.

Big mistake. I was manic for about six weeks. I started a foolish affair with my brother-in-law's sister that had all sorts of bad ramifications. I went to the doctor and was taken off the zoloft. At this point I was diagnosed as being manic depressed.

Six years later, I was extremely depressed after an abusive relationship (unfortunately, it can happen both ways). It was so bad, I asked the doctor about anti-depressants again, and he suggested Paxil. I went on it, and it was a nightmare. I went into rapid-cycling, with extreme highs and lows oscillating in about six hour periods, and in some of the lows became self-destructive (I have the scars to prove it). To be frank, I'm lucky I'm not dead.

I talked to my doctor about what happened, and he suggested I may have been suffering from post-traumatic stress after the abuse I suffered. The paxil with the adrenaline and the manic depression caused this rapid cycling. I went off the medication, and slowly reverted to normal.

I had to leave school during all of this (I'm a Phd. student) and went back in January. In going back, my disease manifested itself quite differently, partly because I was back at the same school with the person who had abused me. My mania manifested itself as anger rather than euphoria, and when I wasn't manic, I was depressed most of the time. I hid myself in my room and did my work for the term.

I talked to the doctor, and he suggested Epival. It has really helped with the anger and occasional euphoria, but it has had little effect on the depression. He'd like to try me out on another family of anti-depressants (the one that helps cure smoking - I'm sorry, but the name slips my mind), since the Epival has left the depression intact. He feels that the Epival will prevent me from becoming manic again.

I'm very very worried about this, as both my experiences with anti-depressants have been horrible. I also am not sure whether I am free from the mania. I find I have about one or two angry episodes a week (as opposed to daily) and a euphoric one about every two weeks. I also am afraid I am not free from the PTSD, as I had another related nightmare a few days ago, and they seem to crop up about every month or so. The one a few days ago was actually the worst yet.

I don't want to get into more trouble with mania, especially now that it is manifesting itself as anger. I also don't want to go back into rapid-cycling, as I don't want to hurt myself and can't afford to take another medical leave. But I'm so depressed all the time and I find it almost impossible to enjoy anything. I just want to lie in bed, and I hate this feeling.

I'm wondering what experience other people with manic depression or PTSD have had with anti-depressants, and whether people have found any that don't induce mania. If I had some names of some medications I could suggest them to my doctor. Right now, I'm totally stuck. I can't stop being depressed but I'm afraid to take any anti-depressants.

Thanks.