I wonder if I'm just "bad". - Bipolar Disorder Message Board

TiredMan · 05-21-2003, 01:26 PM

I was dx'ed with depression as early as 13, and at 28 dx'ed with BP type II. I've had a lack of success with medications/PT. I also have many specific examples of extreme selfishness and just downright meanness I can remember from myself as early as 6 years old.

I kick myself constantly about these memories because I "know" that the actions that created them were wrong, but I am beginning to wonder if my symptoms are a result of my struggling to be a good person when I am a bad person at the core. It sure would explain a lot.

iduno · 05-22-2003, 07:17 AM

hi,
if you feel bad about the stuff you did then you are good. if you dont feel bad about the stuff you did then you dont know the pain you caused so you are still not bad.you just cant feel others pain.if you could you wouldnt do it. everyone is just learning really and ghandi said everyone is just doing what they think is right. i think everyone is just doing what makes them feel better.

[This message has been edited by iduno (edited 05-23-2003).]

[This message has been edited by iduno (edited 05-23-2003).]

HoosierBj · 05-22-2003, 07:56 AM

Iduno, that was great! I have grabbed me a big ol' virtual cup of coffee (tea if anyone prefers) and am sitting here just enjoying your reply to TiredMan's post...
One of the few benefits of being a bi-polar that I've discovered is that our moodswings tend to take us to places in the brain that most people don't ever reach, and I love to "have a cuppa" with someone who thinks deeply!

For me, I lean more towards the spiritual angle of things. I think that we are all flawed from the git-go and our natural inner drive is to try to become better and strive to become as Good as we possibly can. If we do a bad thing we want to fix it, apologize for it or feel guilty about it. Some find it easier to just do bad...
Those who feel no guilt or have no conscience(i.e. Ted Bundy)are the one's I still struggle to understand.

But for TiredMan, please remember that there is alot of very real brain chemistry going on behind the anger & irritability of someone with bi-polar disorder.
Much of your anger and rage may actually be directly a result of your disorder and/or anti-depressents. Do check with your doctor about it, o.k.?
And just think.. at least you don't have to add the irritibility of hormonally induced PMS to bi-polar disorder! That is your silver lining, and I don't know how my dear husband has survived with me!!!

Welcome to the Boards, and please come back often because you're already qualified here to let someone else know that you DO know exactly what they are going thru!!
Bj

TiredMan · 05-22-2003, 02:18 PM

Well, iduno, while it took a couple reads, there was a lot of good stuff in there for me to think about, so thank you. I identified in particular with the concept about a lot of this being a vicious, self-feeding spiral. That first step seems unreachable to me though, I must admit - I have serious doubts as to whether I am even capable of the emotion of love.

Thanks for the welcome, Hoosierbj. If much of my anger et al does indeed come from my illness, it started at an extremely early age. I didn't think BP symptoms manifested themselves until the teens. I'm not actually seeing a doc right now, I kind of had a falling out with my last one over a dispute of choice of meds, plus I finally "gave" my employer an excuse to cut off my benefits, so I'm not sure what I'm going to do in terms of future treatment.

I am glad I found this place - people that have any understanding about this kind of thing are few and far between. Thanks again.

iduno · 05-22-2003, 03:06 PM

thanks hoojerbj,you are great,

i do go on. i want to believe in the spiritual bit too and about evolution.. however you are better off not believing in one thing or another too much or particularly cos the middle way is more balanced and there are no absolute truths anyway. that last sentence being a contradiction in itself.

what if we identified ourselves a energy conduits? to do with your thinking on sprituality we would then be able to take in bad and try to give out good ie to do with physics change negative into positive.just another way of putting things.
i always want proof.i love the hado thing that is about the effect good things have like the word thank you which changes the water into beautiful water chrystals. dr emoto photographs them and they look really good. i love that idea especially when you consider that our bodies are mainly water so everythnig could effect it. but i would want proof. i would have to see it with my own eyes with a microscope.
so how is tiredman? even tireder now after me going on.!! i hope not. there is a theory that says there is no bad.that sins are mistakes. or naughtiness.you could be depressed and that always makes you think bad things. every time.
all the best hooj and tman.

theres a good book called conversations with god that is by a person who does automatic writing and that is very good for going on about things like good and bad.

[This message has been edited by iduno (edited 05-23-2003).]

[This message has been edited by iduno (edited 05-23-2003).]