Partner with Bipolar - Bipolar Disorder Message Board

savage · 08-26-2006, 03:38 AM

Hi everyone,
This is my first post so be gentle.
My girlfriend told me about this site saying it has been a great comfort to her recently and wondered if it would do the same for me.
Whilst my girlfriend hasn't been offically 'labelled' as bipolar we both think she is a sufferer of the illness and I have been trying my best to be supportive and helpful to her.
My question is really directed at the partners of bipolar people; I have recently felt that my girlfriend doesn't want to be with me anymore, she seems to resent my being around and has said at times she hates me and has wanted to attack me.
I love her very much and don't want to add to her stress by bringing up my problems (which sound very insignificant when compared to Bipolar).
Is the above typical of bipolar sufferers? I have read other posts regarding this and they were all very bad.
I'm not sure if I'm actually helping my girlfriend or just making things worse.
Any stories you have to share with me would be a massive help to me; I don't know anything about mental illness and no matter what I've read on websites or in books won't be as good as first hand knowledge.
I hope what I've written makes sense, Thanks

gav_73 · 08-26-2006, 09:23 AM

Hi Savage,

I'm not the partner of a bipolar, but I have bipolar and I am married. I was only recently diagnosed and just started medication last night for the first time, but I have been with my now-husband for almost 5 years. I have been diagnosed as bipolar II, as opposed to Bipolar I, so my highs aren't as high and my lows aren't quite as low as some, although I get pretty down and irritable, yet I have no dellusions or anything like that. However, I did have a pretty severe problem with alcohol, and my husband doesn't drink. Needlesstosay, he's been through quite a ride with me and decided to stick it out. I'm a graduate student about to earn my masters, therefore, I've had quite a bit of success recently. But then the depression hit and I finally sought help.

I think the best advice I can give to you is to encourage her to get help and treatment. After being misdiagnosed with just depression all of my life, I have to say that I am pretty optimistic about this new diagnosis, and the posts on here about how treatment has helped so many obtain some semblance of normalcy in their lives and relationships might help her to seek treatment. I had a pretty terrible childhood and life, partially because of the bipolar and my own behavior, and some not. So, counseling is required for my treatment to be successful, not just meds. Maybe you can encourage her to read more about the successes of treatment and counseling so that she can see that it won't be a waste of time, that she can get help and get better. It takes time to find the right meds, so the sooner she finds help, the sooner she will start to get better.

I am currently in the throes of depression, and my husband and I, although the very best of friends, will still have our arguments and aggravations with each other like everyone else. I think it is important to remember that too when you're in a relationship, that not everything you're going to fight about has to do with the disorder. I worry about that quite a bit, as do a lot of bipolars I think. Even though we have an illness that affects our moods, we still have valid reasons to be upset with our partners. With that being said, I have also read the horror stories that partners go through with their bipolar spouses or significant others.

I think the first step is for her to seek help and treatment, and if you've already made a commitment to stick it out with her, try to learn to recognize a valid argument from one that has to do with the disorder. Also, you can find lots of support on here like you're doing, and can do a lot more research on the disorder to learn what life is truly like for her inside her head. I think it might help you to recognize when something is going on and how to deal with it appropriately. And finally, they say this is a life-long disorder that only gets worse with time. It's important for her to get help.

We're still learning how to do that, too (but my problems are more with work than my relationship). It's still tough though. Hang in there, and good luck.

Kymberlee · 08-26-2006, 09:54 AM

Hi, there, Savage! Well, I can only tell you my experience. It is not good...yet. My BP husband is still in tons of denial and has refused to take the new med. the PDOC gave him back in July. He is on meds. for depression right now. I think he wants to believe that it's 'only' depression that he has---NOT BP. I'm the one who had to start the 'talk' about BP Disorder. The last time he went to see his PDOC he got home and said, "I don't want to talk about any of this." My take on it is that the Doctor told him that he has this disorder and needs to take his new med. and go to counseling. Well, my DH doesn't want to do any of that. He plans on going back to see his PDOC (not sure what for) in Sept. but at the present time, not doing a thing to treat this illness. We don't have a marriage at all. We haven't had sex for 2 yrs., we sleep in our own bedrooms, we do not talk about anything to do with 'us'. He told me last yr. (he took himself off of his meds.) that he doesn't love me anymore and doesn't care what happens to our little boy. He wants a divorce. I told him to go ahead and file and he didn't. I called his bluff. He didn't like that. I live my life the way I want to and do alot of things with my friends and little boy. That's my life now. Sorry it's so down--but I believe in telling you the truth. NOW, if someone is willing to get help...this could be totally different! God Bless you & your gf! Any ?, please feel free to ask! Kym.

wifeofbp20yrs · 08-26-2006, 03:21 PM

My dh is bipolar and I do feel your pain and understand your feelings as I have experienced them myself. No its not easy and it will be difficult but if you are committed to your girlfriend when she is stable and your lifes get back to " normal" you will realize thats its all worth it. Please remember that alot of what comes out her mouth is is illness talk and not her true feeliings! but it still hurts all the same and it will still frustate you and will you feel resentment? probably I do. all normal feelings. But if she is willing to get help and educate herself that is half of the battle. My dh is getting help w/pdoc but still balking at the thought educating himself about his illness. it does help to cry and its ok for men to cry! a good book I have found for partners is loving someone with bipolar by Julie fast. lots of good info and tips on to handle certain situations but above all remember you knew HER before and the illness is treatable.

marshmallow · 08-26-2006, 08:41 PM

wife of bp for 20 years. This is not to be rude but just curious. If you had known what was ahead would you of married your husband? I find the road so long and so weary.