IamSoAngry

hey! long time no see. been having alot of problems, which of course makes my anger even worse. i am in counceling now, and in anger management classes, but so far neither are doing any good. they are trying me on meds next. i feel like i have totally lost myself, and i don't know where to go to find "ME". i get so mad anymore, over nothing.... everything, it doesn't even matter what it is, i go nuts and lose all control. its getting to the point (i guess it started a few weeks ago from what i can remember) when i get mad i just black out, i honestly don't remember what i say or what i do, and sometimes i don't even remember what made me go off. i don't know why it started, or how to make it go away. i used to be so calm, you could spit in my eye and i'd walk away, but now if you look at me wrong, i lose it. i have been told (by a doctor) that i'm on the edge of insanity..... why? how? i hate being who and what i am, i hate feeling it. i can't even describe it, but its like feeling evil grow inside of you.... does that make sense? i just want to be normal again. i hold so much hate and anger, and resentment....... the list goes on. i pray, i count, i try to ignore it, i talk about it, i've done everything i can think of to stop these feelings, or learn to control them, but so far nothings helping.... i'm just getting worse. i change in a matter of a second.... God i wish i knew what was wrong with me! i don't want to keep feeling this way.
i am still having problems with my brothers ex.... my nephew is back living with me, and i'm sure my niece will follow soon. i am getting resentful, i'm tired of being mommy to my niece and nephew..... i want to know what its like to "JUST" be their aunt. this time my brother is doing better with seeing his son, but still not good enough, ya know. he'll make promises to my nephew about coming and seeing him, or taking him fishing, and then when the day comes he'll lie to my nephew and say he's at work, or the car is broke, or something. the mother ONLY calls my house to harrass me, she doesn't even ask for her child, or ask how he's doing. she'll call pretending to be someone else and ask for my fiance (and lie saying she's his girlfriend, or they have a date, some B.S.) or she'll tell child welfare i'm on drugs, my house is filthy, i'm not feeding or bathing the kids, she fears for her children, and of course child welfare comes kncking on my door demanding to come in and see my house, i have to strip down all the kids, show i have food in my house and of course go take a drug test, and although every call has been proven to be bull sh*t, child welfare claims they still have to come check out every call. i have a police report on a hit and run she did almost 2 weeks ago, thank God there was no damage to my car, but even though i filed a warrant on her, she's still harassing me. thursday she called me begging me for my help, i hung up on her. i called her mom (who had the kids) and asked her mom what was going on, and she said she was taking the kids to child welfare and letting them put them in foster care. i asked if i could say good bye to the kids before she took them, she told me to come over. i stayed there and spoke with the mother for a couple hours and explained that whenever J***** came there i was going to have to leave because i didn't want to have problems at her house. finally she gets there with my 2 brothers, jumps out of the car (they hadn't even stopped the car yet) and comes over cussing and yelling. i told her she needed to go tend to her kids, she kept on running her mouth so i said it again. i finally yelled "Look J*****, go take care of your kids, they need you to show them you give a sh*t about them.... go get your kids). she decides to get in my face, i told her to back up, and from there i can only remember pieces. i blacked out a few times, but my brothers told me i went after her and they had to pull me away from her, i accidentally punched my baby brother trying to hit her.... and i don't remember that. i have alot of hate inside of me, and the anger just takes over anymore. i don't know what happened to me, i am fine until something triggers me. instead of being like some people and having anger that suits the situation, i just lose it over everything. if a scale of 1 thru 10 was normal for anger, 10 being the highest, and being something major that brings that anger out, i wouldn't know what 1 thru 9 felt like. i pass those and go straight to 10, over little stuff, over stupid stuff, it doesn't matter anymore. i don't know what its like to be "upset", i get rip roaring ****ed. my councelling and my anger management classes aren't helping yet, i get ****ed off while i'm being seen. i don't do drugs, i don't drink, i do smoke cigarettes, other than that i don't do anything else that could "trigger" a bad temper. i don't understand whats happening to me, and i don't know how much more i can take. best way to describe me is:
a dog gets bit by a raccoon with rabies. no ones aware that dog was bit, but the owners notice the dog is changing slowly day by day. his temper is changing, eating habits, sleeping habits, everything is different, but no one knows the severity of it yet. then the day comes the dog has lost it, he's mean, hateful, if he thinks your looking at him wrong he's ready to attack. mentally that dog is gone, he don't know what happened, you don't know what happened.... no one knows how to stop it, its so bad now the dog can no longer control it. he's trapped, theres no way out, he can't change it, no one knows what happened the dog just went mad....... i feel like that dog. i can feel myself changing day by day, i don't know why, or how, have no clue what happened. i try to stop it, i try to not get so mad, but once it hits, it takes over. i don't get upset, or mad...... i go straight to ****ed as hell. my body shakes, my blood litterly feels like its boiling, i can feel it all through my body, i get hot, my eyes change, i'm starting to blackout, i know something is wrong with me, but i don't know what. i don't know why i get so mad. i'm confused, i'm angry, i'm scared, i'm hurt, i'm tired of dealing with all the crap that gets thrown on me, i'm just tired of it all.
sorry i rambled, had to get some things off my chest. hope everyones doing good and i'll be back on later. take care and God bless!

[This message has been edited by IamSoAngry (edited 05-20-2003).]