wow distroyed cant believe i missed all that! sounds like you have been on a complete rollercoaster.
It sounds as though your wife is still very ill and is nowhere near finding the right combination of meds. i know you have been to hell and back in the past few months, but it can take so long to find a combination that is therapeutic as bipolar is so complex and affects everyone individually. my pdoc always says that it is a disorder that develops over a long amount of time, so it can take a long time to find a suitable treatment.
Im wondering if the anti depressant you said she came off was keeping her "high" and inducing the mania, so that when she came off it she dropped to a more stable level temporarily (when she moved back in with you and said she felt normal) and then she plunged into the depressed state- i have been through these exact motions before myself. Do you know what anti depressant it was- was it an ssri? These are notorious for inducing mania, even when taken with certain mood stabilisers they have still been known to induce manic symptoms. I cant take them full stop.
I feel from what you told me that the person who moved back in with you and told you all of those things was a glimpse of the real her, not something caused by a mood swing. Ive always felt her love for you has still been there and has just been masked and deeply destructed by this terrible illness, and i think you have always known this underneath even though at times it has been hard to believe. The fact she left the kids behind shows how ill she is and that her behaviour is not normal or personal to anyone, she just needs help. She loves her kids unconditionally but if she can walk from them then you can see how she can walk from you, it is the illness acting, not the real her.
Ive often spoken about how my illness affected my relationship, and it actually caused it to break down for 2 months. My boyfriend talked about how i was like two different people- one was warm and caring and the other one was cold hearted and calculating, as he put it.Im sure you can relate to how he felt! I got fed up with him and felt that he was boring and that i wanted to go off and do more exciting things. Now im stable, things are totally different. I genuinely love him and know that the relationship is right, i feel safe with him, like your wife told you. He has given me a lot of support, he goes with me to the hospital to get my lithium levels checked, and has done a lot of his own research on bipolar and found out that one of his biggest heroes, Kurt Cobain had it, hence the nirvana song "lithium". We had our ups and downs to begin with but as long as im open with him things are smooth between us.
I basically feel that, before my diagnosis and treatment, my eyes were blurred. But as soon as i became stable, it was like someone had given me glasses and i could see things for what they really are. Im sure your wife wil reach that stage, it just might take her longer as it sounds like her bipolar is quite severe and she has had a hard time with meds. Im bipolar II, which is the less severe form and was lucky in the fact that my first med, lithium, seems to have worked.But for most people, its not as smooth running.
Please dont give up yet. I totally agree that you need to think of yourself and not let yourself get stamped on, but in the future things could be very different, so hold onto that hope long term. The only person who can truly help your wife is herself, and it may be that she has to do that on her own while you move on, but later down the line, who knows? i feel the old her is still there somewhere waiting to come back.
Take care distroyed and let us know how things are,
Angel
Linear Mode
