better today but....arghhh! - Bipolar Disorder Message Board

jgr01 · 09-29-2006, 05:18 AM

had a really bad night sleep last night. Everything aching, legs feel like they're not mine; tossing and turning, lucid dreams....then when morning comes I feel like I can't get up, it's too dark and raining. Then suddenly I'm in a rage at my daughter which I do manage to just about control because it's not her fault.
So I get up...I've swept & mopped the kitchen floor. Cleared out the fridge. 3 loads of washing and drying. Hoovered the whole house. Emailed friends and trawled the internet for some info I need. I'm better! I can go into the village and look in my favourite clothes shop, yippee.

The door bell goes and a builder I know really well is there to pick up some copper pipe. I can hardly answer the door. I can't look him in the eye. I can't find what he needs and I can't speak, my words are coming out in the wrong order. Now the shakes are back and my thoughts of actually GOING OUTSIDE is no longer on the agenda. I want to cry. Please make this go away. Please.

The vodka is calling from the cabinet. But I haven't had a drink in 3 days. Please let me get through today without one. I know I'm not an alcoholic. I know I'm just self medicating. I want the confidence it will give me. It's Friday after all, a day for fun and frolics with friends. But if I do it will just set me back. But at least I will be feeling normal for a bit. No I won't. What the hell is going on? I'm so totally useless.

Dee-nah · 09-29-2006, 05:28 AM

Your not USELESS! You are battling 2 illnesses at once and I couldn't even fathom that... The only thing I can do is commend you for recognizing your faults and you actually know what harm drinking can do and your butting that into consideration! I'm not an addict but I can see why someone with BiPolar would like to self medicate BUT if you do do this your not only going to reak the consquences your also going to mess up your meds, maybe it will through you into maniac or depression and so on! It's not worth it.... Look at that child of yours and get yourself better because you are no good to anyone if you don't! Your child NOR you don't derserve that! Maybe you can go to an AA meeting?

Keep us posting on how your doing! Don't even be ashamed of your thoughts or your actions but know the damage!

jgr01 · 09-29-2006, 05:34 AM

Hey Dee-Nah,

you made me smile

I guess no one is going to tell me to have a drink. *** we don't have any money right now either so spending it on new boots will really make me feel better for a few moments and then plunge me back into the despair that is so prevalent at the moment...

So yes, I shall just sit here and read others comments and life experiences. Therapy and safety in itself.

xx

Dee-nah · 09-29-2006, 05:45 AM

OR you can think of suggestions on how to battle this and post it that way someone else (and since it's friday night) and hopefully just one person can see that and decide not to drink or take drugs and they would owe it all to you! Now really is that not a great feeling in itself! Keep your head up and know that you are a good person TRYING your damn hardest to get help! Don't sell yourself short, give it all you have! I'm almost positive that if you started a thread on self medicating you are going to get loads of hits and when this happens PREACH your little heart out... It will making you feel like you are accomplishing something positive and that right there is an awesome HIGH in itself....= )

ok2day · 09-29-2006, 06:30 PM

: Hi you aren't useless.you found the energy to do the basic housework ,at least you got out of bed.The weather doesn't help. If you have a bath run it and have a good soak.Put on some music . Glad i found this site so at least we can all talk to people who have something in common.I hope you have a good day cheer up .Thinking of you ok2day