Sooo Overwhelmed! - Bipolar Disorder Message Board

Dee-nah · 09-29-2006, 05:40 AM

I had my "family meeting" yesterday which went surprising well... I just hated hearing me as the "third person", my problems, how i react to situation and why I need this med and that med... Even though I've been diagnosed 9/2 sometimes I feel so incapable of doing or thinking in ways that I've done before....

I'm scared that they won't let me go back to work...I have my assetment next Thursday and to be totally honest I'm not ready.. The thought of going back makes me ill but what I'm I suppose to do?? I work in a VERY high stressfull job... And speaking of Job they haven't even called to see how I'm doing, no flowers nothing....They ususally do this for everyone! I guess they think I'm crazy...

I just switched my meds again... I'm taking 900 mgs of Lithium, 5mgs of Abilify, 15mgs of Remeron and 1mg of Xanax... All togher I take 7 pills a day! NOT that I'm knocking but I'm not even at the levels they want me to be... I still have to raise my Abilify and maybe even Lith... Seriously what ever works I'm all for it but this up and down and not sure what my body is going to feel on minute to the next is draining me!

And MONEY...ugh... I'm in big trouble!

frozeninside · 09-29-2006, 05:47 AM

Oh Dee-nah...

I feel for you, I do. I am SO glad your family meeting went well. I am referred to in the same way by my parents-"she does this, she says this..."

Your job, if you feel you are not ready, perhaps you could postpone returning and work on getting some good therapy to prepare yourself? When I went back to work, I was expecting my locker to be stuffed with cards and to be showered with hugs and flowers and tears and "I'm so glad you're okays", but no one said a THING. I think what they want is to treat you as a normal person, not a head case, for lack of a better phrase, which is why they possibly are not reacting in the way you'd like. And I learned too, not to expect anything from people.

And the money............................I hear you loud and clear my dear. Every time I go to swipe my debit card, I have visions of insufficient funds...keep us posted please!

Dee-nah · 09-29-2006, 06:07 AM

See the thing with my work is the one of my coworkers who happens to be my boss daughter was pretty much put a way for the same reason I am and NO ONE said anything nice about her....3 months later it's me, I could only imagine what they are saying since I have to personally work with these people! I just got excepted for Short Term Disabilty so hopefully the outpatience docs can help me determine if I'm ready to go back....Even thinking about it makes me sick... I work in a bank for Commerical Lending and discovered that money is the root of all evil... If they don't reach there quote's, etc they through temper tantrums (GROWN MEN) and yet I'm the one with the problem! I can't deal right now with there extreme outburst, throwing pens across the room, and the screaming... This all has to do with there job performance but it's seems us admin asst gets the brunt! My 9 year old acts more appropriate then they do.... Ugh,sick feeling AGAIN!

jgr01 · 09-29-2006, 06:16 AM

Dee-Nah,

everything you say strikes a chord with me.

I want to work, well, I do when I'm well; the money is necessary and liberating and the actual interaction and contributing is good. I had a high stress job - Vice President in US terms. I am terrified of work, but terrified of the incapacity i feel now. Don't go back if you're not ready. Your health is the most important thing. You're clearly not ready if you ask me. Sorry.....x

goody2shuz · 09-29-2006, 08:12 AM

(((((Dee-Nah)))) I know how difficult this must all be....I saw the fear and anxiety Erin had going back to school after just getting out of the hospital. I am sure that she was feeling much the same as you.

As far as the "third person" thing please know that on the other side are the people who really do care for you and want you to get well. They really don't know that this offends you unless you tell them....so tell them. The pdoc needs to hear things from your family's perspective because often when you are cycling things are distorted and perceived differently than those who are there to see what really happened. And that allows the pdoc to make the best decisions regarding your treatment and medication adjustments. It might help to see everybody as being on the same team....the team that wants to win against this disorder and get you feeling well again.

As far as the coworkers....I hear you....Erin feels similar to her friends at school. Thing is....this is the time that you will see who is and isn't really your friend and for the most part most people are ignorant to what BP is. So I tell Erin to be very careful about who she tells.....that people need to earn that privelege and for those who have passed judgement....well that is their problem and you need to put it away in a box and try not to let it get to you. Focus on doing a good job, keeping the stress levels down, eating right, getting good sleep and making sure that you do all that you can do to get yourself stabilized. I tell Erin that she needs to put on an armored suit and pretend that when people say or do things that may hurt her that they are throwing rubber balls that will only bounce off of her and never penetrate her. If you can do that, then you can aalleviatae alot of the stress.

The meds are your way to getting better.....it will take time and patience on your part to find the right combo. Make it your mission to find the right meds.....and do not give up until you do. How to do this is to keep track of how they effect you and give them a chance to do their thing. IT will get worse before it gets better and remember that your body's intial response will be to reject the meds....but after a while (usually a few weeks) you will know if they are effective. Also, having a good communication with your pdoc will be important and save alot of time in getting there.

Hang in there......there are alot of us here rooting for you!!!

(((HUGS))) ~ Goody