Frozen, I think you made a very wise choice. And don't worry about the way that lady handled the situation (hanging up on you like that, really immature in my opinion). Look at it like this, you saved yourself from working for a woman who acts so unprofessionally. Imagine if you needed her understanding or support at an inconvenient time if she acts this way over something that managers deal with every day! And think of it this way, that lady was mad because she couldn't have you! Not a lot of people can say that, gal! Pat yourself on the back for that.
And your desires and dreams are not irrational, nor or they illogical--they can come true for you, too, Frozen. You are only just now getting help. Things will get better for you one day, that's the whole point, right? Look at it this way, at least you still have desires and dreams, at least you still know what you want out of life. I'm sure some people with this disorder get to the point where nothing matters at all, where they can't think of one thing that motivates them to live. It sounds like you are the complete opposite of that--you want desperately to live, and live well. That's a lot!
And all of those things are achievable! They will happen in due time, one step at a time. Once you get your meds straightened out and stabilized, those things are going to easily be within arms reach for you.
You know, I have been so consumed with anger inside of me for the past couple of years that has progressively gotten worse. Just this week (maybe a sign that my medication is working?) I made a promise to myself that I was going to make a conscious effort to change my thought processes. When I feel myself getting angry or thinking irrational, bitter thoughts, I am going to consciously try my damnedest to replace them with something positive, like thoughts of my daughter or my husband, or all the things I have going for me. It is going to be very difficult, as it has become second nature to think negative thoughts about things. But I think it is a great idea. Although it hasn't worked completely, I do find myself thinking of it everyday. And now it is creeping into my thoughts when I say something negative--like, gosh, I should have stopped myself from saying that. I've got a long way to go, but it's a start and I think we could all use a little of that. We should make a pact to do it together.
Anyway, I just wanted to point out all the good things you have going for you. If it's at all possible, maybe you could use them and join me in this exercise, too. I think it is so easy to lose ourselves in this disorder, forgetting that we are still very powerful, unique individuals with lots of control over our own destiny. We just need to take it by the horns and think YES, instead of NO!
Best of luck!
You said on your other thread that you are feeling like you did just before you ended up in the hospital. I say leave things as they are until you are feeling more stable.
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