Is this me or my 'bipolarness'?? - Bipolar Disorder Message Board

NutshellNutter · 10-02-2006, 10:38 AM

Since being diagnosed (only 3 weeks ago) I have gone through my recent life and wondered did I actually make those decisions or was it my 'bipolarness'? I have sat with a friend and together we have gone through things I have done, and not done and wondered - would I have made the same decisions if I was just me??

For example, I have a good job in pharmaceutical research but decided to start studying for a degree in psychology, with the grand expectations of going on to do a doctorate in Clinical, followed by post-doc qualification in Neuropsychology. Ummmmm......I'm not even doing the first degree part-time - have thrown myself right in and am doing both a full-time degree and full-time work. But I'm doing well at it.... ummmm....

In the mean time a business which we have a share of is doing really well. So, I've decided why not work for it too??? I just can't seem to decide what I want to do - though I wonder - would I know if I wasn't bipolar?? My BF describes me as always having my grass greener on the other side of the fence to wherever I am - arghhhhhh!!!!!!!!!

Also, I'm the same with friends - sometimes I won't to know them, others they completely DO MY HEAD IN - so needless to say, I have a narrow social circle - would this be the same if I wasn't bipolar??

A good question to sum it all up really is 'Who am I?' as I don't really know what is me and what is me because of bipolar disorder....

So many questions, so little answers.......

Nut.

jgr01 · 10-02-2006, 10:47 AM

Hi NutShell,

this all sounds pretty normal to me! After my diagnosis (6 yrs ago) I questioned every major decision i had ever made; I still do. I make a decision, be it, job, degree, house move, husband (stay or go) and then half a day later start to question it. I think time is the only healer with this stuff. I know I haven't been stable for a looonnng time now and just started new meds. I have to rely on my BF, parents and husbands to help me with the decisions; weigh up how serious the consequences of making the decision. However, most times no decision needs to be made if you're not totally sure. The light will come on, you will be sure. Try not to add to the stress. What do you work for? Intrinsic value or money? Do you like to learn? Do you like others to point and say NutShell, she's the expert in this....
Basically, what are you basic motivations, morals etc, prior to diagnosis?

Aeolian · 10-02-2006, 02:03 PM

Bipolar is just a label, i view my condition as just that a condition, not a disorder. It's definitely part of who i am, i would not have the same creative insight or intuition without it and if i had a magic button that could make me "normal" then i wouldn't press it, i like my "dangerous gift" too much for that.

fallen_angel · 10-02-2006, 02:26 PM

This is a really interesting thread and i have often asked myself the same questions. Ive always been known as "mad" and "bubbly" and people have commented on what fun i am to be around which ive always took as a compliment. i was worried about becoming 'boring' when i was stabilised and wondered if i would lose the sense of adventure that i had. I started asking myself if my whole personality wasnt me and was part of an illness so my whole life had been a lie.
But i think the best way to look at it is in the way Aeolian described, bipolar is part of who we are, we're not part of bipolar.
The same question you mentioned about the 'magic button' was raised at the end of the recent documentary secret life of the manic depressive by stephen fry and nearly everyone said they wouldnt push that button. I was in tears by that part of the programme as id found it very emotional, but i had to find myself agreeing. I dont think id push it either

marshmallow · 10-02-2006, 06:09 PM

I bet if the same question was posed to the spouses and loved ones of those with bp we would all jump at the chance to push the button.