So my "friend" called me tonight and before she got the chance to say three words I said, "I'm in a bad mood and I really don't feel like doing anything or going anywhere, okay???"
Earlier, my other friend, who I guess I consider my best friend (but who also has depression and can be a royal pain) was trying to get me to go out to the bar with her and some other people. I outright said, "bars, and the people that go to bars are nasty, and I don't have the money for that **** anymore." (I rarely will swear, something has come over me) She was so persistent, telling me that this guy I spoke with once and thought was cute would be there, I was like, "that's nice, doesn't help." I don't remember what else I said but I pretty much blew her off and felt GREAT doing it.
Just now, I let her know how upset I was at the fact that our mutual friend had called me after I said I was NOT going to be joining them in doing anything.
I'm just blowing up and letting everything spew everywhere and I don't care how it makes anyone else feel.
Last edited by frozeninside; 10-05-2006 at 07:57 PM.
a little bit of nostalgia just crept up when I read your message. I remember doing similar things. I'd put it down to being a straight talker as opposed to being a bad ***** but we all rationalise our behaviour to suit ourselves, especially prior to diagnosis.
Anyway, I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling the way you are at the moment and I suppose that being bp it's not going to be the last time either but there might come a time when your friends stop putting themselves in the way of your tongue. I speak from experience - although I come from a large family, I get more calls from people trying to sell me stuff than I do from family.
Friends are different - all involved choose to be involved but I always remember the quote "will we make a new rulle from tonight? let's try to be a little kinder than we need be." So I have developed a few standard phrases like "I would have loved to have come but I'm not feeling too great and I wouldn't be very good company. let's get together some other time soon".
I don't mean this to be a "you're out of order" message just a gentle nudge that your friends still want to be friends and spend time with you - don't leave yourself isolated.
Hi Frozen inside,
Ummmm... sounds like me.... I completely identify with you. I don't know how this is going to go down on the board but I would say 'don't be too hard on yourself'. It is only after I have 'come down' out of that sort of behaviour that I realise what I said and how it must have looked.
My good friends (not many!!) know when I'm not the actual 'Nut' and see past it. Whilst I know this isn't a reason to do it, the thing is I'm really not 'at home' when I am soooooooo nasty.
Hopefully your friends can see it in you too, even when you can't....
yes yes yes. I am like that. I really hate it. Do you friends know about your condition and more importantly understand it? it's not an excuse and I also say things like (I wouldn't be good company, or simply don't answer the phone / door!). My friends know what I'm like. I try not to isolate myself but TBH I have wittled my friends down to a few; some aquaintancies I reach out for when I'm feeling good, but the real ones just accept sometimes I may be a little over the top.
I think your friends are being inconsiderate and don't think there's anything wrong with the way you've blown up at them. If you'd just had surgery would they be badgering you to go to a bar? Of course not, you'd be expected to stay home and rest. The biggest problem (I think) with Bi-Polar is that it's invisible - other people really don't get it. You have no money (as you've said on the board), so they shouldn't be badgering you to spend it. You shouldn't drink with BP so a bar's the last place you should hang out when you're not feeling great. You've had hassles with your parents and life is really difficult for you at the minute. Once you've said you don't want to go people shouldn't hassle you about it, so I don't think you've any reason to reproach yourself. I used to hold on to my anger and quash any 'bad' thoughts all the time - I think it's really unhealthy now and I'm sure it contributes to the episodes. The fact that you felt good after you did it is because you needed to let that out - listen to what your body is telling you. If your friends want to help out then a good long walk and something relaxing afterwards is much better for you than a bar. There's nothing wrong with getting angry with people - where's their consideration for your feelings and your situation at the minute?
Don't give yourself a hard time! You've got enough to cope with at the minute without trying to keep everyone else happy. Do what you feel you need to - if you need to get something off your chest then go for it.
I can honestly say I don't consider them (I'm referring to pretty much 2 people here, I have hacked away at my 'list' of friends to 2) true friends. I don't know what the word is, really. I mean, we have no shared interests, I'm artsy, dark, kind of quirky, deep...I only told one girl about my bipolar, because she has depression, but neither of them seem to understand, or care, obviously if they provoke me to spend money and such. I think last night I made my frustrations abundantly clear. Perhaps too clear. But I think I needed to.
who would be the right people, in your opinion? I think as far as telling people about your disorder maybe only leave that to people who you do create a strong bond with, as (and im speaking for myself here) feel a bit stupid, and regret telling people my problems if they seem to shrug it off and don't care.
No one is ever really going to fully understand what it's like to be you, as that counts for everyone. no one really truly understands an other persons mind, and how they feel in their body. how old are you? out of Curiosity.
I myself also don't like going to bars. I don't like the feeling of being drunk much, and it gets me in a horrible mood in the morning.
I don't think what you said was all that nasty Frozen! Myself I just don't answer the phone or door when I'm "not in the mood"...I don't have many friends because of this & what I have but I found it was too draining & impossible to keep those friendships-they just don't understand. And frankly when I'm feeling that way, I just don't give a hoot.