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Old 10-06-2006, 08:10 PM   #1
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ChandraS1978 HB User
I'm BiPolar & My Mom is too...should we live together?

My mother is bipolar but hasn't accepted her illness. She isn't medicated and doesn't see a psychotherapist. A year ago her husband left her for a woman my age and he just had a child with her. He doesn't give my mother any money and as he never purchased health insurance for my mother and the two children they share who are now both 18 & 20. My mother has lost 100 lbs this past year and lives very far away from me. She is very unstable and is rapid cycling. My brother & sister have some place to stay but my mother is going to be evicted from her home soon. She survived one suicide attempt and I'm terrified she is going to try again. She will not apply for any social services and doesn't feel she is bi polar. She has told me that doctors have told her she was but she doesn't believe them.

I have been medicated for three yrs now and my doctors really are having a hard time finding the medications for me. I am married and have two young children 7 & 9. My mother and I are very close but when we are together, the two of us feed off each others mania or depression....I had talked her into coming to visit with me for two weeks because I wanted to talk her into staying with me. But when she was here she was so manicky and I started to get very anxious and very upset. Because I couldn't tolerate her moods well, I would sob in my room sometimes and at other my heart would race and then I couldn't sleep and I sometimes I would rage.

I want to help my mother because I love her so much but I'm afraid of what it will to do me and my family. I feel tremendous guilt and I'm plagued with nightmares about what will happen to her. When she first went back home I begged her to come back but she wanted to try to get her husband back. I kept asking her and asking her and she said she couldn't give up on her marriage...I remarked about her mood swings and how she isn't sleeping. I suggested social services and a doctor. I told her that maybe she should look into taking meds to help with her anxiety and insomnia, but she wouldn't. After a while I had to make a decision and so I then told her that I could no longer offer to let her stay with me because It would be unsafe for my children and unhealthy for my medical condition. I was crying everynight and my thrapist suggested that I not let her move in and that I couldn't help her if she didn't choose to help herself and accept her illness and separation from her husband.

Recently she callled me and she was crying and having a hard time breathing and that's when I found out that my step father had beat her and bruised some of her ribs and that she was in the ER last night. She then confided in me that he has been beating her this past year. I'm mortified and she is begging me to let her live here. I don't know what to do...she would not file charges against him. I want to help her but I've just started new meds and still am not stable.I've only slept 12 hours in the past 4 days. I've been rapid cycling. I don't know what to do...I love my mother. If he kills her I'll never forgive myself.

 
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Old 10-07-2006, 08:06 AM   #2
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coffeegirl2 HB User
Re: I'm BiPolar & My Mom is too...should we live together?

Do you have a tdoc? They would be in the best position to recommend what is best for you and your situation and help you through this difficult time right now. It is very evident that you are in a tough scenario with your mother and uncertain about what to do, as what anyone could/would do in your predicament.

If you do not have a tdoc, contact your pdoc, or an md for a referal soon that is covered under your insurance. Then begin to work through this. Explain to them your relationship with your mother, history, etc., and what you expect from the future relationship, etc. That is the key on how to work things out.

Also, begin a journal so you can work through your emotions. Right now there is a lot you are experiencing in your own life. Sorting out all that is going on will help you make this important decision by journaling. That does not mean you have to write pages on pages each day, it can be a paragraph or so daily. It will help; trust me.

Take care.

Coffeegirl
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a loving heart is the truest wisdom

 
Old 10-08-2006, 11:33 AM   #3
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ChandraS1978 HB User
Re: I'm BiPolar & My Mom is too...should we live together?

My tdoc is suggestive that this is a terrible idea but she wants me to make my own decision. I told my mother once before that I could't help her but it is killing me inside...and now that i've found out he is hitting her and that she is near homeless it is killing me. I can't sleep and I know that I can't handle an untreated bi polar person in my home with me, nor can my family. I just can't figure out how to her. Financially I haven't the funds to support her and I've tried encouraging her to speak to a physician and contact social services but she will not.

 
Old 10-09-2006, 12:11 PM   #4
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Shazzi HB User
Re: I'm BiPolar & My Mom is too...should we live together?

Wow! i can so relate...

Unfortunately,I am bipolar and so is my mother who is very suicidal. Having dad on the road, and also Being an only child I had no siblings to help take over, i pretty much ended growing up and trying to take care of her myself since I was at 8 years old, after I saw her stiffen up on the floor and a cop standing over her holding two empty bottles of pills, and feeling like it was my fault. if I only stopped crying when she told me toÖ if Ididnít get angry and throw a temper tantrumÖ If only i wasnt such a spoiled brat... and a bunch of other thoughts that rand through my mind. I still to this day have problems understanding emotion which leads to self inflictionbut thats a whole other story and i dont want to make this poast too long, so i'll save it for another day.

 
Old 10-09-2006, 12:45 PM   #5
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Shazzi HB User
Re: I'm BiPolar & My Mom is too...should we live together?

Quote:
Originally Posted by coffeegirl2

Also, begin a journal so you can work through your emotions. Right now there is a lot you are experiencing in your own life. Sorting out all that is going on will help you make this important decision by journaling. That does not mean you have to write pages on pages each day, it can be a paragraph or so daily. It will help; trust me.

Take care.

Coffeegirl

Yes! Yes! Yes! so right on...


I have a Journal, and random thought journal where i just write whatever comes into my head at that time. I don't worry about spelling grammar or even if it makes any sense. When I feel better if I can handle it, I'll read back what I wrote the past month or so. It's almost like I was recording my mind word for word. I've actually watched my mind start racing just through my handwriting, which is one of the reasons why I don't just type it. Sometimes it doesnít even sound like me. But all in all, it makes me feel like someone, or something can relate completely.

i't is also easier to bring to my therapist so she can understand some things that I don't know how to explain.

I highly recommend it. It sort of gives you something to look forward to when you hit a low, and it a positive feeling because now youíre not having these thoughts alone... now you are using them as a tool that you are making something real out of. Some of my stuff will turn out to be some really good songs and/or poems. Iíll post them at times all over the place so now these thoughts can really mean something to someone else, and I donít feel so alone.

 
Old 10-10-2006, 05:04 PM   #6
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Re: I'm BiPolar & My Mom is too...should we live together?

Ummmm... okay, I'm new to this so please bare with me

Just background on me:
I am 20 years old and a college student. I have had bipolar disorder (most likely the not so talked about type III) that rapidly cycles every week to twice a week, and have had it for two years am taking medication (though not responsive) and see a doctor and therapist. I was originally misdiagnosed in the hospitaland treated for 2 years solely for depression, I spun out of control with my manic episodes. My mother is also bipolar and is very unstable, yet medicated. The irony is my mother is a social worker (therapist), has an independent practice and works as a crisis counselor. My grandmother and great grandmother both have commited suicide.

I am not an expert but from personal experience I think that your mother moving in is a very bad idea. I know how it feels to have guilt. My mother calls me at work crying during a suicidal episode. I feel sometimes like I have to take care of her, watch out for her and be the "mother" in the situation. Guilt is something that can be very controlling if you let it. I know that you feel badly for your mother and the beatings she endures, and the denial she can't seem to come out of. But you have to remember above all it is not your fault. If she were to move in with you, it would be as if you would have to be the strong one and help her through her many problems. You would probably take responsibility for her actions and thoughts, which isn't healthy for you. While you have experience with bipolar you aren't as equipped as a professional would be. If you were to broach the subject of her getting help she could be agitated and even dangerous, but most of all it might push her further from the goal of her getting help. You have a lot on your plate, and you have to put you and your family first. You have to keep yourself on track with your treatment, but also take care of your family. It may be hard but sometimes, if you maintain a distance you can help her more. I'm not saying just leave her on the side of the road for dead. But slowly help her out. I think it would be best to get her out of harm's way with your step father. Could she go to another family member's home, or a friend of the family? Then, after she is safe, try to urge the bipolar issue. Denial is the first step to admiting she has an illness. She'll go through it as a phase where she will refuse to admit she has the symptoms, but family can be key in this step. You can recognize her mania, depression, hypomania and so on. Perhaps maybe you could take her to a discussion group with you, citing her as your support but open her eyes up to what people are feeling, maybe she recognize some similar feelings. She needs you, so you won't be totally out of the picture, and there will be no need to feel so guilty. There is no cure, but there is certainly help for you and her. Good luck to both of you and God bless!

Last edited by treadingh2o; 10-10-2006 at 05:12 PM.

 
Old 10-11-2006, 07:23 PM   #7
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Talking Re: I'm BiPolar & My Mom is too...should we live together?

Thanks h2o. Your support and compassion are greatly appreciated. I'm doing a lot better the past few days and on good days you can think clearer. I've talked to my mother several times about her situation and It is clear to us both that the two of us living together is not a good idea for my husband and boys. She understands but is afraid and hopeless about her situation but I told her that I can support her with words of support but that ultimately she must choose for herself to get help for her illness and protection from her spouse.

She has no other family members to live with except my 18 yr old sister and 20 yr old brother. My sister and brother both are cruel to her and totally overwhelmed by her rages and her constant mood swings. When she is manic she doesn't sleep, she rages by cursing, screaming, and throwing objects. When she is depressed she won't stop crying and then she moans and cries out for either of them to come hold her. They are young and have dealt with her for a long time and cannot tolerate her. My sister is overwhelmed at her father having left them and my brother is constantly in trouble with the law and very depressed and self destructive. I wonder if he is bipolar too.

The only support my mother has is from me and I live 600 miles away from her. My mother has six children & I feel that of those six, four of us are bi polar or borderline personality disorder. My mother has three siblings and only one talks to her and that is out of politeness. No one can handle being around my mother to long. Of us all I am the only one able to calm her down for the most part. Everyone else will scream and curse and tell her she's stupid, psycho and pathetic. It is so sad that all of my siblings can be so uneducated about mental health and be so abusing to someone who is ill. My mother physically didn't raise all six of her children. She only raised the two who live with her now full time. Three lived with my father and the other lived between relatives.
I can understand why they cannot tolerate her. I myself though can understand why she has the outbursts and rages because I've researched my condtion and so usually I am able to communicate with her and understand her. I told her that she must get help and take baby steps, hour by hour, day by day, week by week. I tell her about my experiences with rage and depression and she can relate and when I tell her the things i've though and done in the past and now she almost feels comforted that someone else has done or thought what she has done. Since I live so far away I've asked her about going to support groups in her area and forums like this one where she can read about other people and what they deal with and how they cope. Sometimes she is responsive but other times she denies she is bipolar. Last night I read some things from this web site to her and she sounded really optimistic. I will keep talking to her and sending my love to her thru my words of support and thanks for responding every one. I am so glad I found this forum.

 
Old 10-11-2006, 07:26 PM   #8
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Re: I'm BiPolar & My Mom is too...should we live together?

Oh and thanks for the journaling advice. My tdoc has been telling my forever to journal but it is tooooo painful...I'll try to just write a day at a time.

 
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