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Old 10-07-2006, 06:56 AM   #1
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frozeninside HB User
How do you live with rapidrapidrapid cycling without wanting to lie in the highway???

What meds help?? I don't even know what "help" means, or what I want, but I'm sick of feeling like this.

Get up-think for 15 seconds, "I'm so depressed, why face this day," then I next hop out of bed, turn on music, dance and sing, race around the house talking and laughing to myself ((or in a case like today remain depressed and lethargic and angry and tearful and hopeless)), feel great, go to work, work in ultra-super-amazingly-fast mode, everyone's like "where did all of that energy come from???", talk to every single customer that walks through the door, if I can't find something to do, I ask for a project because I can't sit still.

Then about 3/4 of the way through my shift I shut down. Become quiet. Feel as though tears are welling up and I could explode. Start telling myself I'm worthless and all hope is lost. Just want to go home. (Well, not home, but you know...)

Or, if I don't go home ((on a hypo day)) I'll call whoever I can just to talk to while I'm driving home or make plans to do something that usually involves dinner and a glass of wine. Talkative, funny, flirtatious, rapid speech/thoughts, etc. etc.

Or, like last night, I will cry for an hour straight until I'm choking on tears. It's either crying or screaming at my parents. Usually just for the sake of getting my anger out verbally I suppose.

By the way, I cried myself to sleep last night and I'm still crying this morning and I just don't know what the rest of the day has in store for me. I'm at the point where I'd rather just not wait around to find out anymore.

 
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Old 10-07-2006, 07:53 AM   #2
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gav_73 HB User
Re: How do you live with rapidrapidrapid cycling without wanting to lie in the highway???

Gosh, Frozen. I understand and sympathize with your frustration. How long did you say you've been on your meds? It sounds as though you and the doctor haven't quite found the right dosage, or you haven't been on them long enough to really feel their full effects and benefits yet (it has taken a month for me, and I'm still not totally stabilized, as you can see on my new thread "Lithium and Lamictal").

I wish I had some answers for you, Frozen, you certainly need and deserve them. What meds are you on again? Also, are you in therapy, as well? I really think people like us need it more most, because we have the added nightmare of not having any family support, that in addition to their lifelong ridicule. It also helps to come to grips with your life and how we've lived it on this disorder unmedicated, and the many consequences that have come along with it. If I remember correctly, I want to say I think you said you are in therapy. Is your therapist not there for you to call when you are feeling this way? Do they talk to your pdoc so they can share information about what's going on with your condition?

I really feel for your situation, and I wish I had more to say to help you. All I can really say is to hang in there, try to think positive (this WILL end, you WILL beat this), and know that most of us on here have faced a lot of what you are going through, and that you are not alone in this world. We care about you. Don't give up and don't give in. Things are going to get better!!!!!

Last edited by gav_73; 10-07-2006 at 07:58 AM.

 
Old 10-07-2006, 10:39 AM   #3
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jgr01 HB User
Re: How do you live with rapidrapidrapid cycling without wanting to lie in the highwa

Hi Frozen,

this is a new job or the one you were planning to leave for the other one that got upset with 2 weeks notice?

Meds sound a bit off to me...
But you could also been in a mixed phase....?
What do you see as your future and how is the present...?

x

 
Old 10-07-2006, 08:26 PM   #4
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frozeninside HB User
Re: How do you live with rapidrapidrapid cycling without wanting to lie in the highway???

No jgr01, I'm still at my present job. Today, actually, my boss pulled me aside and pretty much said she's tired of having to tell everyone (co-workers) that I'm just "having a bad day" because apparently they've been asking as to what my problem is quite frequently. She said that my moods are obvious to everyone, customers included, and I need to learn to leave whatever "problems" I have behind. I was in an extremely depressed and agitated mood and I about burst into tears...I tried to explain that no one sees that I may have been in a spectacular mood 30 minutes ago and I might be in one again in 2 hours, and it's so hard for me to just separate from who I am, and what the disorder does. I got so angry, and felt hurt. But I don't know if I did rightfully so.

I immediately called my p-doc and he increased my mood stabilizer (Tegretol) to 300 mg.

My future??? I see myself feeling the exact same way, doing the exact same job I'm doing now, feeling lonely, worthless, helpless and hopeless. I'm convinced that there is no going back to college, that's for sure.

The present is full of a lot of those feelings. Mostly the loneliness. Regarding the opposite sex. I've never wanted in my life, a boyfriend, as much as I do now. It's painful. I think about it all the time. It hurts so much to feel this way.

Everything just feels so messed up.

Could someone please describe a mixed state again please? Thank you.

Last edited by frozeninside; 10-07-2006 at 08:28 PM.

 
Old 10-08-2006, 09:09 AM   #5
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gav_73 HB User
Re: How do you live with rapidrapidrapid cycling without wanting to lie in the highway???

My understanding of a mixed state is different than what you're describing, which sounds like rapid cycling, as you said before. In my limited knowledge, I understand a mixed state to be a combination of both mania and depression at the same exact time rather than one after the other. For instance, you are physically unable to get out of the bed because you are "weighted" down from the depression and have no motivation; but on the inside, you are full of anxiety, energy and frustration, paralyzed by depression and no way to let it out. I imagine it to be sort of like a live, electrical wire that goes down during a storm laying in the middle of the street, silently, inconspicuously. It appears on its face to be innocuous and nonthreatening, but it is really full of electricity and energy, sitting there like a shotgun waiting to go off.

I don't know if that helps, but that is how I imagine a mixed state.

And I don't know if this will help you find a boyfriend, but have you ever tried online dating? I met my husband online, and we are both attractive people with a lot going for us. He is not a drinker, worked a lot, was very shy, and didn't like to go to bars; me, I was being stalked by an ex-boyfriend for over a year and couldn't go on a "real" date without him following me, so I decided to try it. We've been together for five years and he is the best thing that ever happened to me. I have two other girlfriends who have had LOTS of success with online dating. After I met my boyfriend-now-husband, my best friend (and one of my bridesmaids) decided to try it, and she LOVED it. She had a date every week, and lives by online dating now. She's had two long-term relationships with guys she's met online, and has been with the latest one for about two years and they are trying to have a baby together now. There are lots of professional, good-looking people online who, for whatever reason, have decided that the bars or other places just aren't for them.

It's worth a shot, huh? Good luck, gal. Things will get better. Remember, think of all the wonderful things about yourself and concentrate on the good things you have. It's so difficult, I know, but if you can try to do that when things get rough, you might be able to crawl out of the despair a little bit at a time until your meds start working.

Last edited by gav_73; 10-08-2006 at 01:35 PM.

 
Old 10-08-2006, 12:35 PM   #6
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jgr01 HB User
Re: How do you live with rapidrapidrapid cycling without wanting to lie in the highwa

Hi Gav / Frozen,

you're description of mixed state is really good actually and I know I have had it...and now realise that Frozen is just rapid cycling.

WRT to work. I had a boss once who told me not to tell anyone because of the stigma. I gave him a load of urls to read so that he could understand me better. I'm not sure, but is she being a bit discriminatory?

jgr

 
Old 10-08-2006, 01:29 PM   #7
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Re: How do you live with rapidrapidrapid cycling without wanting to lie in the highway???

I was thinking the same thing jrg01, about Frozen's boss coming very, very close to getting herself in trouble for discrimination. I'm not sure if you are located in the United States, Frozen, but the Americans with Disabilities Act protects people with bipolar disorder, particularly if you've disclosed your illness to your boss. It sounds as if they have accommodated you somewhat by giving you time off for an inpatient visit, but her comments are rude and out of line. Would it be fair if someone was in a wheelchair, and employees kept asking the boss what happened to them, or why they were slower than the others in getting around? I mean, it sounds silly, but in the eyes of the law, there is no difference really. As a manager, she should tell them to mind their own business if they ask her such things about you if she's tired of it. Because, it is really none of their business, and she shouldn't be encouraging them to ask such questions about other employees by telling them anything. It's VERY unprofessional. After all, she's the one who asked you to stay in the first place. So if she's "tired" of anything, it's her own fault, not yours. This makes me very angry , and you should go to your department of human resources and ask to speak with an advocate for the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission to discuss your situation and what your boss is saying and doing. If you do not have an advocate, you should call the EEOC yourself and explain your situation and ask that they step in, because it sounds as if your rights are being violated, Frozen, and I highly recommend you finding someone to advocate for you in your professional life. Since they already know what's going on, you are in a perfect position to call them. That's the hardest part, disclosing your situation, and that part is already done.

I hope this helps.

Last edited by gav_73; 10-08-2006 at 01:58 PM.

 
Old 10-10-2006, 05:58 PM   #8
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treadingh2o HB User
Re: How do you live with rapidrapidrapid cycling without wanting to lie in the highway???

Frozen-
I know how you feel. I have been searching for someone who understands for the last 2 years. I am bipolar and i have rapid cycling as well, that has been diagnosed. I usually cycle atleast once a week, sometimes twice in a week and even cycle within the same day. I am a college student and am just tired. I was originally misdiagnosed with depression and couldn't stop spinning in my manic episodes. They tried lexipro, depakote, cymbalta, seroquel, lamictal, ambilify, and so many other drugs. Nothing seems to touch me, that or the medicine is so strong i can stare at a wall for hours on end, and just sit there with my eyes so glazed over, my parents cry. I see a pdoc and a tdoc, but little helps me with this cycling. In a single day I can clean my car, my apartment, write a 20 page African American Literature paper, hang out with my friends, work 8 hours and go to all my classes. Other days it is just so hard to get out of bed. I can cry all morning, cry myself to sleep, and be so sensitive when someone asks me whats wrong when i am very quiet. I don't know what help there is for people like us? I am having trouble making it to class the days I'm depressed and if I do I nearly cry. At work people can watch my moods change, and people ask too, it is very obvious I get self-concious. I'm am one of those people who implodes not explodes, so I am very hard on myself. Short of a few options I am running out of places to turn. I get even more discouraged with my family history (my mother is bipolar, and my grandmother and great grandmother have commited suicide) is it my destiny??? My parents are black and white type people who understand very little of the grey area. Is there any help for rapid cycling people? Please anything would help at this point.

 
Old 10-10-2006, 07:16 PM   #9
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sparkleeyes26 HB User
Re: How do you live with rapidrapidrapid cycling without wanting to lie in the highway???

Sounds like a page out of my journal.
I don't have a answer but there is hope there has to be.
Try talking to others as much as possible.
You are not alone.
__________________
sparkleeyes26,we must believe.

 
Old 10-10-2006, 07:29 PM   #10
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treadingh2o HB User
Re: How do you live with rapidrapidrapid cycling without wanting to lie in the highway???

Thanks. That is what I'm doing here I guess. My parents want to sign me up for a research study, or just hospitalize me again. I just want to exhaust every option. I sort of just stumbled on this place and saw that everyone here is dealing with it. I don't feel so alone. I just have to figure out how to get off this emotional roller coaster and figure out how to function again in life. Any suggestions on that?

Last edited by treadingh2o; 10-10-2006 at 07:31 PM. Reason: mispelled word

 
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