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Old 10-07-2006, 11:15 AM   #1
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fallen_angel HB User
I cant cope

ive been doing ok lately, dropped my dose of lithium recently as the higher dose was keeping me too depressed, and have lots more motivation but without the hypo behaviour and urges. So have been feeling good.
But one thing is really dragging me down to the point where im sitting here crying, and thats my boyfriend. Hes suffering, or i think he is suffering from depression. Hes ended up out of work, his ex has stopped him from seeing the kids they had together and told him that they hate him, he has no car anymore and no money. Its understandable that he might have a reactive depression after all of this but hes refused to see a doctor or do anything about it, just saying they wont help him, which is really frustrating. A while back he spent a week in his flat without going past the door. I couldnt get hold of him and was worried sick. Luckily it seemed to pass, and he got much better. But now its started again. Hes had more horrible messages from his ex about the kids and i can see hes starting to spiral downwards again.
Im pretty sure its a reactive depression he has, he did have a breakdown a few years ago when he split with his ex and tried to commit suicide but he admits he had never had any sort of depression prior to this so i dont think its a chemical problem. I know he will feel better when things improve in his life but it makes me quite angry that he wont get any help in the meantime. Ive got every sympathy for people with depression or any form of mental illness but i cant help him if he wont help himself. I know getting help can be hard but i just dont know what more i can do. I decided i would have to to take a back seat until he got help as it was upsetting me, but i do love him and want to be there for him so feel bad. but the truth is i just cant cope with him being like this. Maybe i could if i wasnt ill myself but i just cant cope with pressure or stress. Does that make me a bad person?
The thing is im sure he plays mind games with me too as he knows i worry if i cant get hold of him and all day today he has ignored my texts and calls. Im pretty sure hes doing it to get a reaction as hes done it before and then claimed he left his phone at home or something which i know he never does. Im so worried he might of done something stupid but the other part of me feels angry as i know hes probably ignoring me on purpose and i feel cross he could do that to me when he knows how much i worry. Someone suggested that its his way of controlling me.
The thing is i care about him so much and i dont want to think hes treating me like that as i know i just cant handle that in my life, but i dont want to be without him either and hes treated me better than any man has before, when things are good between us they're really good. But right now i just want to scream.
Thanks for letting me vent, i know i probably sound really selfish. But i just cant cope right now
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Old 10-07-2006, 11:34 AM   #2
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jgr01 HB User
Re: I cant cope

Hi Fallen,

firstly, I totally understand about not being able to cope; this is stress FOR YOU.
Secondly, do you have other friends (face to face) to just take some weight with you on this? What about his friends? YOU are doing nothing wrong, but the mind is complicated as you know.

Thirdly for a man, being skint, not being the provider etc. is a real pride issue.
Being prevented from seeeing his kids? Well his ex is a silly c*w. What a selfish act on her part. She's certainly not thinking of the children and exacting some revenge with them as pawns (I have been through this myself with my ex and his ex; yes complicated i know!). My husband had to recently admit to being £160k in debt; after he advised me to quit my job....My job was as an MD and I was the major wage earner (£108k basic salary). Strangely it now appears I was actually paying his debts and his ex-wife but didn't know it! Imagine the discussions at home

Anyway, I have REALLY thought long and hard about my marriage. TBH the stress of his ex wife, debts, kids etc. is A LOT OF STRESS for me...to the point I wanted a divorce.

He now has psoraisis in his hair, I have seen him cry, he is DEPRESSED. We have to sell the house to pay his debts (I have already given him £25k cash and now my £60k in this house to help (we're doing an IVA).

If you are really concerned about him (given his past) you should ring a help line (after all that's how most sections are done; not that he necessarily needs one, just that you can't seem to make him get help). You can certainly take some verbal abuse from him, but if he did anything worse, well...?

Of course the final option is to cut your ties for your own health...sorry but that IS an option.

Vent as much as you can.

 
Old 10-08-2006, 03:54 AM   #3
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fallen_angel HB User
Re: I cant cope

Hi jgr
thank you so much for your reply, its nice just to have someone else there to listen who can understand.
To answer your questions, i only have two close friends, one of whom doesnt like my boyfriend a great deal and tells me i can do better. she listens to me when i need her to but will just tell me hes being unfair and to finish with him. My other friend does like my boyfriend but she has young kids so is kept busy a lot of the time so i dont see her much to talk to now. He doesnt really have any friends either, he just has "associates" really who he will chat to occasionally or go for the odd drink with but doesnt confide in. His family arent very supportive either, his mum has always had a "just get on with it attitude" and i dont even think shes aware of whats going on or wants to know.
Sometimes i just feel i cant breathe with all of this. Ive seriously thought about cutting ties but i know i will miss him and i know this probably sounds lame but i dont thiink i will meet anyone else, it took me 9 years of dating and being used, abused and hurt before i met him. I know its bad to stay with someone for that reason but there is genuine feelings there, i just wish so desperately that things could be different for him and for us.
I totally agree with what you said about his ex, she is being a manipulative b*tch and its the children that will suffer long term. Its also true what you said about the money/pride issue. Its these two things that are causing the most problems right now. But i think what also gets to me is the fact that there are things that he can change to make his life better and wont, i find that so frustrating.
It sounds like you have been through some similar things with your husband and i admire the way you have been giving your all to help him. I really do hope things work for you as it sounds like you have been through so much.
Ive never believed in a knight in shining armour, but i wouldnt mind one coming along to rescue me!
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Old 10-08-2006, 07:35 AM   #4
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marshmallow HB User
Re: I cant cope

If you find your knight ask him if he has a brother.

 
Old 10-08-2006, 01:42 PM   #5
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jgr01 HB User
Re: I cant cope

Hi Fallen,

One of things i did was take some time out at my parents villa in Spain (Andalucia, VERY rural). Did some reading, walking and swimming. Talked to my parents when i wanted to (they are REALLY supportive about me and my decisions either way). I did a lot of thinking and writing down the issues. How they affected me, how I thought i might be able to help my husband. I tried to ascertain it it was worth another go. It was. I can't be sure what the future holds, but we'veboth agreed my health is paramount and so is his. If we can alleviated the stresses we both suffer by both taking positive steps then things look good.

See if you can take some time out yourself.

 
Old 10-08-2006, 02:14 PM   #6
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Join Date: May 2006
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fallen_angel HB User
Re: I cant cope

Hi again jgr
i feel even worse tonight, couldnt get hold of my boyfriend again today and it turns out hes spent all weekend in his flat hiding because of these messages hes getting from his ex.
He says all thats got him through the past few years has been his kids and now shes convinced him they hate him and dont want to see him he doesnt see any point to anything anymore.Im convinced what shes saying is rubbish just to hurt him, particularly as shes annoyed at the moment because the amount of child support he pays has had to be cut due to him being out of work. Ive seen him with his kids and you can tell they're crazy about him. It makes me so angry that she could use them like this and try and turn them against him.
Ive told him he needs to fight and prove her wrong, and start by getting in touch with a solicitor. But he has lost all motivation to do anything. The whole situation is awful and i dont know if i can take anymore.
Im aware that the main thing i need to avoid with my bipolar is stress, and i just cant cope. I feel like i just want to go out and get rolling drunk tonight and do something crazy, and i worried i could be about to go into a hypomanic episode. everything is making me angry and frustrated.
I know it would be extremely cruel to walk away from him when he is already low, but i just dont know what to do. I love him but cant cope with anymore.
Luckily enough i do have a holiday coming up next month, but i have a feeling things will get worse before i have a chance to have that time out
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