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Old 10-08-2006, 08:41 PM   #1
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Join Date: Apr 2005
Posts: 12
Shazzi HB User
Some of my Journal Excerpts

Here is a few random thoughts that pass through my mind. I use these for my therapist at times when I canít figure myself out. Some of these may not make any sense seeing as though my mind races and I sometimes canít keep up. I thought about editing them but then it would not be reality.
For those of you who are also Bipolar, or suffer through any kind of depression, I would suggest you try something like this. The next time you hit a low, grab a pen and just start writing what your mind is telling you at that moment. Youíll be surprised when you read it back when youíre feeling better. Itís almost like itís not you


In a Mood
I'm tired of people telling me to snap out of it, or, put yourself in this persons position, It can't be that bad. Oh yeah like I'm having fun here I'll just stop the knots in my stomach, and the insomnia and the anxiety attacks and just do what I do best be F***ing happy for everyone else because that's the way they want me to be. The hell with me I know they're only trying to help but it just makes me feel weaker. I'm tired of people feeling like they have to walk on eggshells around me for fear they might upset me. Why am I like this? sometimes, I am too ashamed to admit my thoughts, patterns, and flaws leading to my cutting. People would think I'm seriously way beyond hopeless! Which I know I am in some cases, but I'm also normal in some cases. It really depends on what it is I'm facing. When things settle again, I become fine. Then something else happens again, and I once again, go crazy.


Sometimes it's a big effort to get out of bed, I'll get overwhelmed and have a mental fight in my mind about how I'm so stupid, lazy, and I make myself look bad, but do it all over again the next day because the same feelings come back that bring up lack of motivation. It's a disastrous cycle. Then, at work, I get all "foggy-minded", and I forget simple things and get in trouble for it. It's diffrent if I had a drug or alchol problem, the workplace has programs to help people get better. What do they have for depression?? "Dont bring your problems to work with you". "You need to be here, so snap out of it! you got a Job to do". "I'm getting tired of your attitude"! "You're fired!!!" All I have to offer is, I'm sorry; it's all my fault. I'm Tired of having it be all my Fault!


-----
So many urges., So much anxiety, So much stress

These past few weeks for me have been tough. Between trying not to hurt myself, and
Quitting smoking, Iím starting to wonder
What is really better for my health?

Between the sleepless nights and the sleepfull days, I think Iíve come to a conclusion...
Iím just not happy! I don't think I ever will be.
I can't relax, every time I do I get overwhelmed and sometimes even sick to my stomach.
I can't even bother taking my meds it's just too much effort.

damn! What the hell is happening!!!

 
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Old 10-09-2006, 02:00 PM   #2
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 290
kathryn00 HB User
Re: Some of my Journal Excerpts

i think its great to share. so many people can relate to the raw feelings.

here's one from me. long, sorry.

Journal entry

I want to keep my room clean. I want my gums and teeth to be healthy.
I want it to be so easy, natural.

My brain feels stuffy. Circuits disconnected or connected the wrong way.
I need clarity. I need to know what you said.
Itís so important to me to understand what you said.

Why canít somebody help me? Who knows the answer? Why canít I find that person?
Maybe the wellbutrin will work. Maybe I need a new doctor. Well, probably do.
Itís such a process. So much info to sift through. My distrust of doctors and meds.

I hate that lots of information overwhelms me.
I hate that I have fears that keep me back.
Just let go.
Be comfortable.
Happy.
Free.
I just want to be able to blend and become a part of the environment.
I am lost. Floating away.

Canít even write pretty.
Damn shaking.

What the ****!
I am just ****ing ******.
This is ****ing ridiculous.
How many more days?
Wasted. Left behind. Gone.

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.
It is. It is so stupid to continue to live this way.
But, it just doesnít work. Whatever I try sucks.

There is just something missing, something not right.
I will go mad if I have to live this way.
Itís ****ing ********.
Somebody has to know how to fix it. I canít live this way.

Wellbutrin is the last straw. It better ****ing work. Please let it work. I just need the energy. It would be really nice if it fixes the libido. There is the chance, for both.

One pill. One pill to help both.

I know my patience is exhausted.
Iím not even worrying about the long-term.
Right here right now.
One pill.
Please?

I know who I am.
I just need this opportunity to make the changes.
Once the energy kicks in, I can fix things.
(the sex is extra, yes, but Iíve always felt that asking doesnít hurt anybody. Itís actually quite better to ask. You are not afraid to exert yourself. You are open, unafraid. And the results? You will have enjoyed so much more if you had only asked.)

This is an energy trapped inside of me.
It moves around.
Twirling hair,
twiddling thumbs,
shaking legs/feet.
I stop one, it moves somewhere else.
A restless energy.
Not comfortable at all.
Want it to stop. (embarrassing, too)

I have layers to go through.
Inside my head I can see truth, beauty.
Why you are the way you are.
I understand emotions.
I can see what you need.
I want to help you the right way. The best way.
I want to be confident, oral, correct.
I want to do it the right way the first time.

 
Old 10-09-2006, 03:00 PM   #3
Senior Veteran
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Az,USA
Posts: 573
CarenR HB User
Re: Some of my Journal Excerpts

HI I so enjoyed reading your journal. entries. I am new here. and I will try journaling my feelings about being Bi-polar...

Caren

 
Old 10-09-2006, 08:47 PM   #4
Junior Member
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Join Date: Apr 2005
Posts: 12
Shazzi HB User
Here's another one...

The last thing i want to hear is some shinny happy person telling me to snap out of it! Or "you think you got it bad it bad" well no i might not have it bad than other people but you know , I'm not other people! My hell is my own. Thatís all Iíve ever experienced and it sucks! But Iím not aloud to be upset, unhappy or stressed because children are starving in third world countries?

Oh and how about the ones that think they can cheer you up by telling you stupid little jokes and riddles, and comments, and they think they cured you? "Ah see i got you to laugh!" and really you're only laughing at how stupid they are, and youíre picturing in your mind about throwing them in front of a bus and having them screaming in agony as they're laying on the pavement looking at their limbs splattered all over the sidewalk across the street and as they're freaking out and screaming at you to call 911 as you're holding the phone but instead you tell them "what the hell are you doing! Thereís children starving in the world get up, collect your guts and get the hell out of the road you're blocking traffic! Aw come on it cant be that bad... I told you the one about the nun and the priest and I got you to laugh"

o.k. so I may be a little morbid tonight, but don't you think... as far as common sense and compassion goes, we got it all right. And theyíre the ones who need to be put on meds!

 
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