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Old 10-10-2006, 11:49 PM   #1
Join Date: Jan 2005
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Roxygirl577 HB User
really need advice...loved one diagnosed as bipolar :(

Well to make a long story short...I am in desperate need for advice, it's hard to go to my family because they do not understand how it feels to be in love with someone who is bipolar. I've been with my on and off boyfriend for almost 2 years now. The first year was absolutely perfect! I thought I was in a fairytale, I've never been happier. My life before that was hell and I feel like he saved my life. After this first year, his life started going downhill (problems with his family) so instead of dealing with it he decided to resort to drugs to make him happy (I know that i was making him happy, but he felt that he needed something to cloud his mind). I was actually ok with it even though I'm against drugs, because he promised me that it would only be temprary until things got better. Well, as you probably guessed, things didn't go that way. He ended up getting addicted and he turned into a COMPLETELY different person. He started abusing me, emotionally and sometimes physically. I was devastated, I couldn't believe what was happening. I thought I could make him better, but I finally gave up and left him. Afer 2 months, we started talking again and slowly he got off the drugs and we went back. Of course, things went back to perfect, but only for awhile. I really thought he would go back to the same, but even being off the drugs, he was still this person I didn't know. He no longer physically abused me, but there was so much mental and emotional abuse, I couldn't handle it. He ended up in the mental unit and they diagnosed him as bipolar manic depressant. I always knew his mother had that but never thought he did. It made sense, he had all the syptoms, and I think that maybe the drugs and the problems he had triggered this to come out. Because of this, I went back with him becuase I felt liek it wasn't his fault. But it is SO hard on me. We fight constantly and I always end up breaking it off becuase I can't handle the stress (I am now physically sick because of this). Everytime I break up with him he attempts suicide and has been in and out of hospitals and jails. I don't know what to do, I am SO in love with him, and I am SO scared that he will end up dead. I wouldn't be able to live with myself. I want so bad for us to work out and start a family someday, but he never stays on his medications and ends up a mess. It's come to the point where no one wants us together because of the fighting and constant stress, but we both know that we are so much in love. I know it sounds so easy to just move on, but I am so afraid of him killing himself. I am not staying with him for that reason, I relly want to be with him, but I am just drained.

Sorry this is so long, this is actually a very short story, but I jsut really need advice from people who know about this disorder. Any advice will be so much appreciated, I don't know where else to turn. Thank you in advance, and I'll answer any questions.

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Old 10-11-2006, 06:16 AM   #2
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bpd_bipolar HB User
Re: really need advice...loved one diagnosed as bipolar :(

I am not meaning to be cruel, but are you sure that you are in love with him or intent on not being the reason he kills himself? Please keep reading.

I am bipolar and so is my boyfriend. I also have BPD and he also had ADHD. Now I was married a lot of years ago to someone who didn't have any mental problems and he could never understand my downfalls and mania. It is difficult for someone who does't have it to understand that it is real and that we need them to be strong for us.

Just don't put yourself in the place for you to get hurt. Don't let him tell you that if you leave he will kill himself, if he is at that point then he needs professional help. Don't BE his life. You need live your own life.

I do understand how it is to love someone so much that you revolve around their world and lose yourself in the process........

My marrage didn't last (5 years). Now that I am with someone who had part of the same disease I have, I know he understands me and what I go through and now I can understand what my ex husband went through because now I deal with the mania and depression of another. It isn't easy.

If you are there because you are afraid he'll die without you then it isn't a healthy relationship for either of you and it could be very dangerous for you. BUT if you are there to help him because you are in love with him and he gives back to you, then oh k, help him the best you can with support and a shoulder when he needs it.

Talk to a doctor, both of you should go together so you can help him better and also get help yourself with understanding the disease.

Again, sorry if I offended, but I want to help you and I am speaking from living it.

Old 10-11-2006, 07:00 AM   #3
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Neleah HB User
Re: really need advice...loved one diagnosed as bipolar :(

My bf is currently manic and is now starting to be mean and disrespectful towards me. This is where I draw the line. He can contact me when he crashes or cycles out, but I will not be pushed around by his illness. It took me two terrible and heartbreaking months to arrive here.

I think the mental illness explains a lot and is an explanation why my bf went from being more caring and loving than anyone before him to an angry and hurtful b*****d (because that is what he is right now). He might be mentally ill and have a lot of sympathy and love him more than anyone before him, but it will be his responsibility to at least try and keep me safe from the negative side of his illness.

This is such tremendous stress for you and it helps nobody if you get sick over this! You can love this man, but that does not mean that you should allow his illness to terrorize you. I can understand that you are very worried, but you cannot and should not put up with this. Does he have stable moments? He needs to understand that if he loves you, he has to commit himself to keeping you safe by staying on his medication.

It has really helped me to see a counselor and I just joined a support group, which has been exceptionally helpful. Perhaps that would be something to consider for you?

Be good to yourself!

Last edited by Neleah; 10-11-2006 at 07:02 AM.

Old 10-12-2006, 12:11 PM   #4
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andytr HB User
Re: really need advice...loved one diagnosed as bipolar :(

i understand your feelings, i havent thought much of the suicide thing but we have been together 5 years i know what a beatiful understanding and great person my wife can be, but the stress of depression, not knowing why she is like that and this last manic high has just about taken me over the edge, i have gotten on high blood pressure medicine and antidepressants and have been seeing a coucilor.

take care of your self and pray that they do the same.

Last edited by andytr; 10-12-2006 at 12:12 PM.

Old 10-12-2006, 01:12 PM   #5
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Re: really need advice...loved one diagnosed as bipolar :(

if he refuses to take his meds, there is really no hope for your relationship, unless you don't mind being abused.
if you can get him to take his medication, you have 1/2 a chance.

Old 10-12-2006, 02:40 PM   #6
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Ruth6:11 HB UserRuth6:11 HB User
Re: really need advice...loved one diagnosed as bipolar :(

Rose just about took the words out of my mouth.

I am Type I Bipolar (Manic Depressive is the same thing, just a more archaic term).

And, all I can tell you is that unless he is TAKING HIS MEDS you should have nothing - and I mean nothing - to do with him. Do not date him, do not be his friend. Unless someone is already married or it is a family member I will always tell them to get out of a relationship with someone who is Bipolar and is not actively seeking treatment with medication.

Otherwise, you are still dating a drug addict - only in the case of Bipolar Disorder the chemicals are being produced in his brain instead of bought on the street.

I know this sounds harsh to some. But unless I am trying to do MY best at a relationship by keeping my Bipolar symptoms under control, how can I expect anyone else to deal with me??

Old 10-12-2006, 08:27 PM   #7
Join Date: Jan 2005
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Roxygirl577 HB User
Re: really need advice...loved one diagnosed as bipolar :(

Thank you all for your replies!! You are all absolutely right, I am not going to stay with him until he wants to help himself. I know that when he went on medicinde before, it was only to make me happy, and it didn't last. Right now he is at the hospital in the mental helath unit. He called me and told me that everything is going to be perfect, and all the same stuff he has always said. But this time I told him that I can't see him or talk to him. I told him that we both need to go separate ways and take care of our own self before we even think about being in a relationship. He knows that he needs help, he is jsut so proud and doesn't want to feel like he's relying on a pill. But I told him that he is not alone! I suffer from PTSD and OCD and I take anti-anxiety pills everyday. There is no difference but he needs to realize that on his own.

bpd, you didn't offend me at all, I do have to admit that a part of me wants to stay with him because I am afraid of him killing himself. I know that I am in love with him, but a lot of my feelings have gone away because of everything that's happened. I know they can come back, but I want that to happen on it's own without me trying to "save" him.

Thank you all again, and I just pray that I'll actualyl have the strength to stay away from him, I didn't think I could even last this long but I have, and I am feeling better each day.

Thank you again!

Old 10-12-2006, 08:38 PM   #8
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Neleah HB User
Re: really need advice...loved one diagnosed as bipolar :(

Originally Posted by Ruth6:11
Otherwise, you are still dating a drug addict - only in the case of Bipolar Disorder the chemicals are being produced in his brain instead of bought on the street.
Oh wow, YES! My ex actually told me that he feels addicted to his mania. And he acts like he is on drugs. Well, I guess I have to put that on my list of things to add to the equation...

Roxygirl, that sounds great! Stay strong!

Old 10-13-2006, 05:22 AM   #9
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bpd_bipolar HB User
Re: really need advice...loved one diagnosed as bipolar :(

No problem. I just wanted to make sure that you know being with someone that is BPD isn't easy and you can't stay because they want you to, you have to stay because you want to be there.

Glad to hear that you are going to take care of yourself. That is a good thing.

Take care and I'm around here if you need me.

Old 10-13-2006, 10:38 AM   #10
Join Date: Oct 2006
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tngirl224 HB User
Re: really need advice...loved one diagnosed as bipolar :(

This is my first post on the boards and I felt that I had to say something to you Roxy. I was diagnosed with BPD about 6 1/2 years ago and also suffer from PTSD. I married 7 years ago. My life was always a trainwreck before I met my husband and found the peace and solitude that I have now. I can't help but to wonder if the "quietness" allowed my brain to slow down and catch up with all the mental and physical abuse that I've suffered over the years but kept suppressed. And maybe that's what triggered the bipolar or if in fact it was the PTSD. Anyway don't be your boyfriends prisoner! You have enough on your plate with the PTSD alone. If he loves you like I'm sure he says that he does then he will take the appropriate steps to make sure that he gets hisself better so that he is even capable of having a relationship with anyone. He HAS to take his medicine and he HAS to see his therapist or physc doc faithfully. Otherwise there's not alot of hope for him. One other thing that I want to say. Right before and right after I was diagnosed with both illnesses, I tried to commit suicide and let me tell ya looking back on it now I can honestly say that was the most selfish thing that I could ever do to all those around me who love and care about me. I'm glad that you told your boyfriend that you can't have anything to do with him till he gets hisself straightened out and even more thankful that you told him while he was in the hospital getting help, that's the best place that he could be. Stick to your guns though. If you have a way of keeping up with how he is progressing without having contact with him and you really want to be with him thats what I would suggest. Otherwise, walk away, move on, deal with your PTSD and stay mentally healthy yourself. Please don't think that I'm being rude or to aggresive but that's really the bottom line and I'm sorry that your having to go through it. I'm very fortunate to have a husband that has stuck with me through all of this and who was extremely involved in helping me get better. But none of that would have been possible without the medication and doctors.
Good luck and best wishes

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