Neleah

Ruth, I cannot really express how much this means to me. It made me cry because it gave me a sense of relief and I think I really needed that. I am being bombarded with "why would you do this to yourself, why are you putting up with it, he is just an idiot (and worse), just walk away." I don't have many friends I can talk to because they are getting sick of it...but I found a support group and the meeting was so great. It was so unbelievably helpful to be able to share with people who know exactly what I am talking about and are nothing but sympathetic...

Yes, there is no doubt that he is bp 1. He has all the symptoms of mania, depression, and psychosis. I am not sure about the psychotic episodes when he was stable. He might have been cycling, but he could have schizoaffective disorder.


Yes, absolutely. I made the mistake (I should have known better) to bring it up again yesterday. I called him to check on him. He sounded better and I brought up that he needs to see someone. But I realized that he still in his episode (utter lack of empathy, unfeeling, denial, hypersexuality, still in a very unhealthy relationship (he admitted that it is unhealthy), big plans that will never be carried through, delusional although not as "out there as he has been", etc). He just made a very important (in my mind disastrous) career decision and I was so shocked. He says the mania was triggered by external factors (stress, issues) and now he has it under control. I asked if he could use the time off to see a pdoc and work on getting better. He said no, he does not need that (he rejects the idea that something could be wrong with his brain - it seems to really scare him). He says he will re-orient himself for now (career-wise), but I know he won't. He will be at the computer 24/7 and eventually get very depressed. I have seen it before. I am so shocked that it has come to this...

I am pretty sure he is not a danger to himself or others right now. His parents are absolutely in denial that anything could be wrong with him and tell him to get his lazy act together. I have no idea how they would react if I called. But yes, if he does get worse, I will.

It seems as if he is slowly running out of steam and is getting more and more depressed (it's the same progression as last year when I met him but we weren't dating yet, but this manic episode is a lot worse and I hope that the depression won't be equally bad...). He called me last week when he was very depressed, which is good to know (I wasn't there, but I told him to leave a message next time). He said he would call me when he gets depressed and I told him that I absolutely want him to.

I also got the very distinct sense that he still highly values my opinion and is scared that I could just walk away. He was embarrassed when he talked about the relationship he is in. He is bothered that I don't share my life with him right now. He said he feels a barrier between us and it bothers him. He does not have a sense of how our relationship was back then and does not understand how terrible all this is for me (he said he can't get a sense of emotions), but he can't stand the idea that I could lose respect for him. All this was very obvious yesterday, which is an improvement.

It looks like I needed to get this out...thank you so much for the support. I feel pretty lonely in all of this. I don't blame my friends, but I don't want to be told to leave the idiot all the time when I have made it clear that I care about him and want to be there. Because he is not an idiot and because I know that he trusts me more than anyone and will hear me out when stable (even now he hears me out, but is in denial, obviously). I just have to give it a rest for now and be patient and negotiate my own needs and his. I am getting better at it. And Ruth, reading your story gives me the hope I need. It is good to know that treatment can work so well and I hope he will be ready for it soon. He was before this episode, so I will keep hoping.