It is hard to not get depressed when trying to share something good about oneself or news of something with a family member and then have it all blown to pieces by the family member and their crude tantics. Why I even choose or let's rephrase that.... 'chose' to open my stupid mouth to one of my siblings was beyond my mind today.
Even if this subject might be down the road a few years, it does not matter. It is conclusive; beside the point. Simply does not matter. The slamming, negative tone, and crude feedback from this person was so alarming and hurtful that it was a huge stepback for me. I am very upset. Then another stupid thing. I called our mom for support. Another dumb thing.
That was the worst thing I could have done. Need I say more? She didn't comprehend why the issue was so bad. She empathisized with the sibling, and told me that I needed to straighten up and stop saying stupid things around the sibling due to this persons 'crisis situation', and that I should have known better. This other person is also bipolar. And, let me remind all of you - prior to the sibling being dxd- I was cruxified for being bipolar/etc. from my mom.
The dream I shared is now shattered. Why do I care anymore. I don't give a damn about anything except my sons and DH. Hope- gone. Why do I care about dreaming of anything? I don't feel worthy of anything good right now- she took it away from me and my dream.
a loving heart is the truest wisdom
(((((Coffeegirl)))))) ~ I am so sorry that you are having such a difficult time with somebody so close to you. I know it must hurt not having somebody so close to you celebrate in those happy moments in your life. Perhaps sharing it here with us may help....we could always use some happy moments here and you know that you have a family here who would just love to share in your joy and dreams.
Having said that perhaps I could add a little bit of perspective from what insight I have gained about Bipolar. You say that your sister is Bipolar and in somewhat of a crisis at this point in time. Perhaps if you look back on the times you have been in such a state and how you may have lacked the proper response to loved ones will perhaps allow you to be a little more forgiving of your sister. She cannot help her response anymore than you may not have been able to in the past so perhaps seeing this as something that is part of her disorder rather than something purposely directed towards you may help you to better understand why things unfolded the way in which they did for you today. You would have preferred that she share in your joy and dreams and instead she had responded in a hurtful way....did she mean it or was it part of what is unfolding in her situation right now that may be somewhat out of her control???
Also, in regard to your mom's reaction....I know as a mom there is nothing more painful than when our children are arguing and fighting with one another. It is almost impossible to choose sides and all we want to do is snap them out of it because when they hurt one another they seem to be hurting a piece of ourselves as well. If you look at things that way perhaps it will make it easier for you to understand. I would imagine that it would hurt you to see your two boys not getting along and asking you to fight their battles out. Your mom, the way I see it, has two daughters with Bipolar, a thing she finds difficult to accept. I am not dismissing your feelings, I know how it must hurt to feel that you are lacking the support that you so need but sometimes certain people are incapable of giving us that support because they just don't know how to.
Finally, one thing that we all know about Bipolar and which I see so often with Erin is how sensitive she is compared to those who are not Bipolar to what is going on in her life. When stressed or anxious her perceptions of things are somewhat off because that is part of the disorder and so things tend to be much more hurtful because of that sensitivity. Doesn't mean that she isn't entitled to feel the way that she does, however, sometimes when I remind her that this is in fact what happens she will look at it through different eyes understanding that sometimes she distorted a situation and took much more offense to it had she not been so anxious or stressed in the first place. Again, I sure hope I don't make you feel worse than you already do but thought that I would offer some perspective on things from looking at the situation and the things I am learning to help Erin through.
Now if I you feel up to it, I would love to hear what it is that you are so happy about and what your dreams are before all of this happened to you today. WE are here for you even to share in the joyful moments that right now your sister is unable to do.
I want to hear your dream, I know what it's like not to have support
from your family, what's it like to have your feelings invalidated. What
it like to feel so happy and excited and no one to share it with. I'd love
to listen to your dreams. I make it easier and share one of mine it may be way different then yours but someday it will come true.
My dream is someday I will have a friend a real friend not one that just
comes around when they want something, or one that never hears a word
you say. The kind of friendship that we know each other so well, we could
finish each others sentence, know more about each other then our spouses
or family, laugh together, have fun together, feel comfortable with, total accepatance, support each other, can call each anytime, never feel shunned, ignored, insignificate, patronised or lied to.
Hi sorry to hear you are down, don't give up on your dreams and hopes it is one thing that cannot be taken away from you. It is so hard for us all when people put out negitive words to us. Don't worry just remember you are not alone .I always give people a nice smile it is free and makes people feel better so here is one for you kind regards ok2day
We must be related, I here you. I am not good at giving advice. Alot of the people on this site are. I mainly read to these to keep reminding me me and my family are not alone and neither are you. oh, words of wisdom " dont let nothing get you down, and if it does, dont let it keep you there" smile
Hi gals... That you all for your support. Your comments and suggestions are all so greatful and have made my day.
Goody- I do honor your wise words of wisdom as a parent. Thank you for being truthful with me, as I understand why you stated all you did in your response. It is all very much appreciated. You are a very dear person.
Kiehn- Your dream of having a good friend who is caring and understanding that will be there at all times is similar to a dream that I have constantly; infact, daily. If only that person existed for us both we would have it made. It hurts when I see, and know of so many that do infact, have that dream 'made'. And, then I wonder, why has it not happened yet? Will it happen? Where is that person? It is so frustrating. Do I ever understand your frustration with that issue. It is so nice to see you around. You are such a very caring person who has so much to offer others here. I hope you will be around to share your knowledge with us all.
The dream I have is to relocate to the edge of town and build our dream home before the boys enter middle school. It is to benefit the boys' behavioral problems, and to control who they bring home for playmates. Instead of having an entire neighborhood over at a time, we will be able to only have 2 kids over each time from then on, along with cousins. That will be more ampt to keep them under control, and help maintain better behaviors for the son with ADHD/severe emotional problems. My sister didn't see it that way. She told me they will get into drugs/smoking/drinking by living on an acreage. I give up on her, as she is in a mixed state, bipolar and not doing well, and needs help. Though, I am not going to help her. She is her own problem. She then went on about the negatives of it all, and so forth. Then a pity party about herself.
Oh well. That is it. Maybe we are being selfish. All I did was talk. Guess I should have thought about her mental state at the time. So now I am just going to avoid her like the plague. I am not able to say =anything without getting rafted or yelled at.
Hope this makes sense.
a loving heart is the truest wisdom
Thanks so much for understanding and validating my dream. I do believe you truely understand and someday we will both have a true friend. As for your dream of moving out of town. You are so wise, so wise. We did the same
for our daughters they werent so fond of it growing up because they were isolated from town, but have thanked us many times now that they are adults. We still had difficulties with our oldest who is bp but I honestly
believe had we lived in town she may not be alive today. You have a beautiful dream and a heart of wisdom. I havent spoken to my sister in years but she did the same thing to me. Now that I can look back I believe
it was jealousy, she always wanted to be number one, the best, to be put
on a pedistal. No matter what my situation she never offer support. If she couldnt be better then me, she made up stories, or put me down. I miss having a sister but I dont miss her. Now that I can see her game and if we were on speaking terms I wouldnt allow her to treat me that way by simply excusing myself from the conversation. You may be bipolar but it does come with advantanges, I feel we are more creative, imaginative, I like to think that spills on to all other area's of our life, good and bad. We have to remember in our search for solutions for the discomforts of bp to make use of and not forget about the advantages of bp. You dont need anyones permission to feel happy and make your dreams come true. Thanks for sharing your dream, dont give up on it!!! Sue
P.S. Until your dream comes true, have you considered setting a limit on the number of friends at one time any excuse will do. Just a thought
Coffeegirl ~ I think it is WONDERFUL that you are thinking of building that dream home and of the benefits it will have for your two boys. That's what us mom's do best and nobody knows, including your sister, what is best for your boys but YOU and your DH. So don't you allow anybody to rain on your parade....you just keep on marching forward and heading for that dream!!
How do you feel about such a change in your life??? Is there anything holding you that you will find hard leaving behind where you live right now??? And when will this all happen???
Perhaps this will also allow you the opportunity to have dream #2 come true. I know how difficult it has been for you to feel welcome where you are within the school and perhaps this will open up new doors and opportunities n ot only for your boys but for you too!!!
I am celebrating with you, Coffeegirl and as much as it may hurt to not have your sister's blessings, like you said, she has her own problems and is unable to be supportive of you at this time. Doesn't make it any less painful or riht, I know, but I think that you will not allow this to put a damper on your dream!!
You are a wonderful person who deserves to have this dream and we are all here celebrating this wonderful turn of events in your life.
Thanks for sharing your dreams with us....you have many friends here who are glad that you are going after what is best for you and your family.
You are so right. Someday we will have a friend, and setting limits until then might be the best way to go. Boundaries helps aide an individual to protect ones self. That makes a lot of sense to me.
You are one of the few people that will probably actually state this 'dream' is a wise thought. Others, including family, except for DH's youngest brother, all will think we are crazy. Then again, it does not matter what others think or believe.
Hearing another parent understand, have great empathy and compassion for this dream and see through the reasoning of the why's we want to do so. You were in a smiliar boat too with your daughters. Did it help with your daughters after the move?
We moved from the country to the suburbs for a better school system and to put the boys into a neighborhood for when they are young for social skills now. Only, we have found out, for our ADHD son, he is doing terribly socially with playmates. He gets turned down for almost all playdates due to his behaviors by other children and parents. How do we, as parents, rebuild his self-esteem up from 'that'? He already has low self-esteem from dealing with his own issues of being self concious with himself. So, things have worked out for one son, but not the other. Catch 22.
It is strange our sisters are similar. You have not spoken in a few years, which I went a year or so not speaking to mine and during that time, I had a very relaxed life. It is very odd, when my sister wants something, she calls me- otherwise, she doesn't have much to do with me. That I have figured out. I could go on, and on, and on. It is a sad scenario. Very dysfunctional family. LOL
Thank you so much for reminding me to be positive and to not give up on my dream. I will continue to dream. My dad always told me, and so did my mom, that dreams were free. So, I am going to enjoy my long dream. It might not happen, and if it ever does; I will be the happiest wife and mom around my side of town!
Again, you are a blessing Sue.
Coffeegirl (I'd say my real name- but for safety reasons. Sis might read the bb)
a loving heart is the truest wisdom
You are so kind. Your daughters are very blessed to have you as their mom, and I hope they will some day thank you for all the wonderful things you have done and do for them. When children are in their teen and college years they do realize these things and sometimes they don't see these things, but I hope that your daughters have, and that because of all you do for them, it will reflect on them in their demenor and personalities bringing them to enlightment towards being good individuals such as yourself.
If we were to do this, it wouldn't be til our sons were in middle school age. If not, then we would wait until high school- and I don't want to do that, as I think that it should be done sooner before they become under the influence of groups and so forth. That is just me. We live in a nice neighborhood, and the neighbors are all nice, but I don't feel connected to any of them at all, and wouldn't feel like I was leaving friends behind if we moved. It would be north of where we live now but in the same school district. If I would be able to organize stuff to build a house by then, then I think I could be able to volunteer at the school by then!
Well, I really need to get busy. House is suffering.
Thank you for your support Goody.
a loving heart is the truest wisdom
Our oldest daughter is now 22 she had an awful time socially in school.
She also was very gullible and naive which took me a long time to realize is not a bad thing but an act from the heart pure and simple and honest. So she was often a victim of cruel jokes, a loner, outcast, easy prey. We always lived in the country out of town. It's one of those double edge swords would living in town made things worse I always wondered thanks for sharing your story Im glad now we chose to live in the country. Our younger daughter who is mild bipolar always managed to worm her way into any social situation it totally just amazed me. You know the saying I wish I knew then what I have know now. I didnt know how to help our oldest daughter because I too struggled socially was naive and gullible. She hated school it was a daily nightmare so I pulled her out of school and home schooled for a few years. Then she went back into a new school in jr. high. I wish I had understood then just offering constant hope things will change someday might have helped. Letting her know sometimes other kids take out their inside anger on people, they dont really mean to hurt, sometimes they come from families where things happen to make them mean which is really their way of saying they are hurting inside. She knows these things now and even though she is still naive sometimes she's very open about it and it has become a very humorous part of her social personality.
I have this theory about disfunctional families. I came from a very disfunctional family, but my parents came from one even worse. I can only hope they did their best as I finally realized they are both undiagnosed bp. I did my best, gave my all to my children. They tell me I was a good Mom and I tell them it would make me so proud to see you become a even better mother than I was and evenually with each generation disfunction will be washed away. What a nice thought, some might say am I just being naive, but it's another dream that I can actually visualize and believe.
You know the bp mind always spinning. It just occured to me, as far our sisters. I have not spoken to mine in 5 years, a lot of hurt. It took me several years to realized she just wanted to be number one. Sometimes things come in pieces. Maybe we were both so straved for praise, approval
acceptance that offering it to each other was like robbing our own reserves. Does that make any sense. Im going to have to think about this more, it's like a door opened and Im going to have to explore these thoughts more.
Maybe I'll have time this coming weekend, were going to Ocean shores, it's been a family tradition since our girls were born. Now that we live in eastern Washington it about a 5 hour drive, but Im so excited, I love going to the Ocean. Thanks coffeegirl, Take Care and keep dreaming, Sue
It appears that you and I share the vulnerabity and naive gene. I too, was a lot like that in high school, and still at times, can be like that til this day. It is my downfall. I try to do my best to hide it from my sons so they won't pick up on it, and catch onto the insecurities in my self esteem. I want them to have confidence in themselves- and be a good role model for them. It is hard to do.
Everything you have mentioned about your daughters is so interesting, and understanding on my end. I totally find it neat that another parent can share with me their story about what they have experienced- because I don't know of many with teenagers except you and Goody, via through the cyberwave, and otherwise- I am alone in the game. There are a few in the ADHD Cyber wave who post about their children infrequently- but otherwise; none. No one understands, nor cares. Not anyone in my family at all. Do you have that with your family and friends- no compassion about your girls and their mental health well-being?
Friends of mine live on the Washington Coast. They say how beautiful it is out there. I hope to someday see the West Coast. My DH says it is gorgeous. He has been there a few times on business.
You enjoy your trip down the coast. It sounds so relaxing and beautiful. Savor it, and the time you have with your family.
You go girl...... Dream, and enjoy, and savor the beauty of the fall leaves.
a loving heart is the truest wisdom
I could tell you all kinds of stories about raising 3 different teens, but the bottom line is each child is different and different factors can cause such havoc. My stepson came to live with us when he was 12, (mus husband and I are 12 years apart) we didnt know it at the time but he had been emotionally, phycially and sexually abused. He was quite a handful as a teen and much later he was dz as bipolar/schizo.
He was 17 yr old when our oldest daughter was born and he began mollesting her, then a few years later my brother mollested her as well. I didnt learn any of this until our daughter was 18 yrs old, she had been treatened I would be killed if she ever told. My whole family knew it, they hid it and protected my brother. That was almost 5 yrs ago I was furious and I shut them all out. My stepson was later convicted of mollesting his own two children yet he denied everything and my husbands family believed him and stood by his side. I never had much support from either side but when I stood in defense of my daughter I lost support from both sides of the family even my husbands support for awhile. My mother bear instinct was pure rage and I couldnt understand why my mother never came to my defense when I was mollested as a child. None the less my mother bear instinct too was strong, I was not going to sweep this under the rug, like had been done in my husbands family and in mine. It's been a hard battle but I think we dealt with it and have been able to put it behind us.
We have lived in this small town for 10+ years, it is well known I have a mental illness due to being hositalized several years ago. I have no friends here, just people I say hi to, small talk. I've found often what people dont understand they fear and draw the line at polite conversation. Even my husband refuses to learn about the illness, I can only guess because of fear.
My total support is here on this board, that's it, I've tried support groups,
conselling many times. That why sometimes I have to take a break, because
I depend so much on this board I forget we're all human and are bipolar or family of. I debated on sharing this information because sometimes it makes others uncomfortable. Like I said earlier it did complicate the bipolar.
Thanks for listening, Sue
I felt it was only fair to let you know my teen experience was tainted by
abused and I dont know how much was bipolar and how much was the abused coming out. I would be happy to offer my experiences, feel free to ask questions, it seems I've heard of others here with teens or preteens. I believe I've talked with them. Start a post.
You are such a precious person. My heart just dropped when I read your post. It appeared as if the words were showing the emotional turmoil through your eyes from how you described everything. How you have been through so much, and you are such a sweet and caring person. You are a beloved and wonderful mother, who cares so deeply for her daughters. They, are so very fortunate to be blessed by having you as their mom. Sharing something so deep, is very huge. And, in an essence, maybe a relief in some way.
Mentioning all the disregaurd that goes along with the small town crap- well, we moved away from a small town. I have a long story about that, which I will share tomorrow. It will take me a while to write. Let's just say- You do have my empathy with how you are treated by those who pass you buy upon the street, etc. People in small towns and their attitudes. I grew up in one, and lived in one for 11 years.
I need to get going. Tomorrow I will write more to your post. My boys need me right now. Smile and enjoy the evening with your family.
a loving heart is the truest wisdom