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Old 10-23-2006, 08:29 PM   #1
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Neleah HB User
I don't want to hate him :(

I am still waiting out my ex's mania (it has been almost three months now) to get a chance to talk to him, his illness, treatment, and us and to see if we can mend our relationship. He has an online/phone relationship with someone else (practically dropped me and ran to her right when the mania started - a few days before I was the love of his life). It has been three months now and such a struggle to find a way of combining self-preservation with being a caring friend because I know he is bp 1 (along with other issues) and a very good and loving person when stable. He never wanted to hurt my feelings and now he is trampling all over them with no care. He admits that his new relationship is unhealthy: she babies him and rolls with his manic symptoms - saying that he is not bp and just emotionally weak and she will be strong for him, condoning hurtful behavior towards other people and thinking that he is *deep* when really he is psychotic...ok, rant over! It is just so frustrating... He had agreed to see a psychiatrist before all this and now someone (she) tells him that he has just ADHD and should go on meds (even ephedrine can kick him into mania...).

I want to be there for him because I love him and I worry very much. This is by far the longest and worst episode and I don't want him to crash and not be there. I knew what I was getting into and I am here to stick it out for now and see what a stable phase will bring. I don't call him (because I am really hurting over her), but he knows that he can call me when he gets depressed (and he has - he is getting more and more depressed now). I told him that I love him and I care, but that I need to protect my emotions.

A few days ago we had the first phone conversation in a few weeks. Before that he was extremely disrespectful towards me (he does not understand what my problem is and says he was not bad and it was a joke when clearly it was mean and hurtful) and I was livid. This anger built up during the weeks we didn't talk and during this last conversation, I threw all my frustration at him, trashed her and his friends (who are oblivious). I told him to never disrespect me again, that he is his own worst enemy right now and that if he wants an enabler, he should stay with her because I will not be part of this hurtful and emotionless state he is in. And other not so pretty things...

He swallowed it all. At one point he got angry, but I shut him up. I calmed down and we continued to talk. For the first time since this started, I got a very clear sense that he is afraid of me walking out of his life, of me losing respect for him (that was very obvious!), and that it bothers him that there is a barrier between us and I don't share my life with him right now. At the same time, he does not really feel emotional about it, but something seems to dawn on him in some odd way. It is hard to explain.

I don't want to be angry at him. I feel bad for talking so badly about the people he thinks he has a great connection with right now...I just resent them so much because they are so selfish and oblivious (how can you have known him for years and NOT notice???? He told them that I am sure he is bipolar and they laughed about it...which he liked, of course). I know he is very troubled and I know that the stable him would be terrified about all of this (he really IS his own worst nightmare - so much of what he does are things he hated, including being babied by codependent females...). But it's so hard to not be angry. And in a way it's liberating. This was the first conversation during which I was not worried about getting him back. I wanted him to understand what is going on and I wanted to vent my anger.

I KNOW it's not the time and I KNOW it doesn't penetrate. He does not WANT to be bp and is adamant in denying it. But I can't help being so angry and frustrated sometimes...How does one detach from the illness? How do you cope with the frustration and the constant rationalization that this is an illness and that he is hurting? I love him and I don't want to be aggressive and mean But I don't want to be pushed around either and I don't seem to be able to find the right way of handling this because when I talk to him, he talks about her as if I am some random friend and it's so tough...

Thanks for reading. I feel so lonely in this by now because most people around me think I am out of my mind because I won't let go and don't understand that he is very ill.

Last edited by Neleah; 10-23-2006 at 09:05 PM.

 
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Old 10-24-2006, 12:21 AM   #2
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Picali HB User
Re: I don't want to hate him :(

Hi Sweetie,

Sorry to be harsh, but you need to walk away from this right now. You are waiting for something that will never happen. This guy, whether he has bi-polar or not, has a lot of issues and a basic lack of respect for women. You are being walked all over and waiting for him to be 'stable' is irrelevant. If this truly is his 'illness' (which I don't think it is) and he's not taking it seriously (by laughing at you when you suggest it, refusing to see a psych, presumably in that case not being medicated), then how is he going to stabalise?

Read through this board. There are dozens of posts from people in your situation. The best thing you can do is walk away, concentrate on looking after yourself and enjoying your life and wait until you find a good man who will treat you right instead of walking all over you. I have BP and I have never treated anybody the way this man is treating you, manic or depressed. Yes, sometimes I'm difficult to be around, yes, sometimes I don't handle situations as well as I would when I'm stable. But I never treat people with the lack of respect that this guy is showing to you.

You will simply get more and more downtrodden and lonely. Walk away with your head held high. If (and it's a big if) this really is 'just' his mania, then when he becomes stable he will come after you. But quite honestly he sounds to me like someone who is milking his BP for excuses for bad behaviour.

 
Old 10-24-2006, 09:50 AM   #3
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Neleah HB User
Re: I don't want to hate him :(

Thank you for your post and honesty. I really appreciate it and I do have moments when I think exactly that, why in the world would I stay and be treated like this. But then I also know that something will happen and I know that he will turn to me. I actually have decided to do what you say in part in that I won't contact him anymore (no calls and no IM) and he knows that I don't pick up the phone and that he will have to leave a message. And that I will call back immediately when he needs me, but not for chitchat. But I cannot walk away for good. Sometimes I wish I could, but I cannot do that right now because it does not feel like I would really walk away from him.

It's not even so much about the romance part, but I can't really walk away from something that might happen beyond his control (I am sure it does because he is like a different person with no empathy, doing so many things he would have been disgusted by three months ago) and I do know that there are times when he feels so tortured by it and just wants to die and that does not know who he really is. But I also don't know if it is even possible to mend the relationship. Definitely not without meds.

I don't know. I have known that he is bipolar and we were planning to get him help before this lunacy started. I feel like because I knew what I was getting into (well, this I did not anticipate), I can't just quit when the illness hits full force and destroys more in his life than in mine, ultimately (he made a terrible career decision, for example).

Some people with bp tell me that they would never do such things even when manic while others say that they have done this and worse and feel horrible about it afterwards. I mean, this illness seems to have so many faces and degrees of severity, is it really fair to say that things people do during a manic episode are not the illness, but character flaws? There seems to be so much consistency in manic behavior that his behavior makes so much sense all around.

I don't know...he was always so respectful and caring and loving and if this is not the illness, then I never really knew this guy, which I cannot imagine...

Last edited by Neleah; 10-24-2006 at 09:58 AM.

 
Old 10-24-2006, 09:51 AM   #4
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Neleah HB User
Re: I don't want to hate him :(

Quote:
Originally Posted by Picali
If (and it's a big if) this really is 'just' his mania, then when he becomes stable he will come after you. But quite honestly he sounds to me like someone who is milking his BP for excuses for bad behaviour.
But he does not think he is bp right now...

 
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