I know that these words must be quite hurtful coming from your daughter and now from your son. I think that when it comes to your son that you ought to sit him down and have a talk with him about the words he says and how hurtful they can be comparing it to something else that he can understand such as somebody who has a broken leg and another person kicking him where the bone is broken. Tell him that his older sister is saying this to you because she knows how it hurts and wants to hurt mommy back because she is going through her own hard time but that doesn't make it right.
One thing that comes to mind is that perhaps your daughter is starting to show the signs of possibly having the disorder herself. I know that my daughter before she was diagnosed said and did the most hurtful things to me which came from the irritability when in a mixed state. She would say words I could never repeat and since being medicated I haven't heard those words again. So that is something that I would definitely keep in mind while this is all going on.
BTW.....I LOVED how you addressed the 21 year old boyfriend.
I would keep my eyes wide open on that one....the best advice I can give you is NEVER say anything bad about him....you will only make her want to defend him which will only have her staying with him to get back at you. In fact becoming his new best friend would work out much better!!
As far as hubby, yup been there and done that....the mosts difficult thing is when they strike like vipers when nobocy else is around and unless you have the wounds to prove it (which we harbor within) there is just no way of getting the defense/support that we need.
I am proud to see that you are taking your meds. Keep taking good care of yourself and remember that being 16 isn't fun....it doesn't dismiss what your daughter is doing, however, if you remember how much it sucked to be 16 then perhaps it will be easier for you to understand how she is taking it out on YOU!!
((((HUGS)))) ~ Goody