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Old 10-28-2006, 06:26 PM   #1
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kiehn HB User
Help me understand

I see mothers, wifes, husbands, fathers, friends, boyfriends, girlfriends here all looking for help, understanding for loved ones most likely on their own
free will. To me coming here is almost an instictive act of Love. What I dont understand is if someone is having severe bp difficulties and it's causing problems in the relationship why wouldnt their long term spouse want to learn, to try to help, even after being asked to learn, why would they promise repeatedly for several years yet they never do. Then get mad when confronted. Yet they show acts of caring in other area's. Can anyone help me understand?

 
Old 10-28-2006, 07:41 PM   #2
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goody2shuz HB Usergoody2shuz HB User
Re: Help me understand

Hi, Kiehn I think that it all depends upon the person we are talking about. I think that for the most part women seem to more inclined to go through almost anything to find the help that they need to understand these things.....they are the nurturers and seem to be much more emotionally equipped, almost naturally to be able to cope with what is going on. I think that men have different coping mechanisms than we do.

I know that my husband cares about Erin just as much as I do and he hasn't read one thing about Bipolar, how it is treated or how it will affect Erins life. I have made a point of doing all that work and informing him....he has supported Erin in different ways whether it be helping her through a rough moment by taking her out on his boat fishing, taking her out for a drive or recruiting her to do a project with him to keep her mind off of things. For the most part men seem as if they are ostriches burying their heads in the sand so as not to seem weak....they are affected by all these things as much as we women are but sure have a funny way of showing it.

Of course it would be nice if they were able to show it in the way we could better understand it....but they do care and love us but often have their own language of love. We just have to learn to read it and interpret it.

You are a wonderful, naturally giving person, Kiehn, who like you say has an instinctive way to love. Perhaps looking at the ways that the other person is able to show they care even if it isn't exactly the way that you would will allow you to see things a little bit differently.

If you need to vent we are here for you....I would be interested in what it is that is most concerning you and hope you feel free enough to share it here.

((((HUGS)))) ~ Goody

 
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Old 10-28-2006, 09:19 PM   #3
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kiehn HB User
Re: Help me understand

Thanks Goody for your support. To answer your question I guess what frustrates me is I've been bp since 93, we've been together for 31 yrs. True Im now more open about my feelings then I used to be. I used to stuff everything and pretend everything was ok that only landed me in the psych ward. Now when Im depressed and dont want to be around anyone, my husband takes it personal, he says he wants the woman back he married.
We have even talked about seperating due to this problem. Repeatedly he has said he'll learn about bp so he can understand better but he never does. I look at it like he doesnt really want to learn or help me. He just wants everythign to be like it used to. He patronizes me, plays games, changes the subject when I try to talk to him, then denies he does these things, then gets upset at me because I wont believe him or he says he didnt mean it but he continues to do it again and again. I dont have a lot of trust in him anymore nor do I feel he is very understanding which makes it even harder to fight the despression alone. I wish I had never married him or met his family. That was proabably more than you expected, but that's how I been feeling once again. I fight the depression and get to the point I can tolerate things as they are, considering the consequences if we seperated. Yes I love him but I have not been in Love with him for several years. I just wish I had someone that understood, did things to help me when Im depressed, instead of saying or doing things that make me feel worse. This has been an ongoing problem for quite a long time. I know the old saying the only one you can change is yourself, hmmm, on the humous side when I find that bp switch Im going to weld it on just a hair above normal. So I can overlook these feelings and write them off to the fact he's just a guy that doesnt like to show emotion. Thanks for listening, Im heading off to bed. K

 
Old 10-29-2006, 12:37 PM   #4
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goody2shuz HB Usergoody2shuz HB User
Re: Help me understand

((((Kiehn)))) This feels like one of those times that there just are no words that I could say that will make you feel better, that I want to say something that will take away the pain but know that there isn't anything that I can say that will magically do that. And so I just wanted to let you know that I am here sharing in it and hoping that something I say does bring comfort to you. You must be so disappointed and heartbroken to think that your husband doesn't seem to want to take the time to learn about BP enough to understand how it is something that you did not foresee being a part of your life but something that you must accept and learn as best you can to take care of in order to live as normal a life as is possible.

The thing is if only he realized that if you had any kind of Cancer, diabetes, hemophilia, sickle cell disease or any one of these physical illnesses, that he would be wanting to learn as much as he could about all that you must do to keep yourself healthy whether it be food, exercise, treatments, surgery, and perventative measures of having it go into crisis or worstening the condition. I think for the most part most people do not realize that with BP and other Mental Illnesses, loved ones require similar forms of support whether it be by attending doctor appointments to learn more about what is happening and what needs to be done to perhaps attending a support group with others who have loved ones with BP.

I don't know how hopeless you think it would be to ask you husband once again to do some of these things to help you through. The fact of the matter is that whether you have BP or not....nothing ever stays the same and we all change. IN your case it was more than both of you ever imagined, however, if you had any other chronic illness the same would have happened and he would have had to adapt to the changes that came along and do his best to support you through it all. The thing is.....with BP it is more difficult to see how we can best help our loved one out or specifically what we can do. It is much more on an emotional/psychological level and is much more difficult to do. To know what to say or what to do at any given time. I have worked in the medical field and have never felt so lacking in being able to help Erin....its not like you can set up a vaporizer, or give the insulin, or put a cold compress to reduce the swelling....it is dealing with ever changing moods and cycles of not knowing what to do or say at any given time...what worked yesterday doesnt work today. It is not easy, Kiehn.....I think that the most difficult thing is the sensitivity on both sides....what I say that made her laugh yesterday will a week from now set her off. How am I to know??? I don't.....the human mind and it's frailty to interpret and misinterpret external stimuli based upon chemical balance is extremely complicated. So you must imagine how difficult this all is for a loved one to do on a day to day basis. It is like an absess that you just got all healed with antibiotics and all closed up and all of a sudden it flares up again and you have to start all over again only this time the same antibitic doesn't work and so you must look for another one that will. And it happens over and over again.

I guess what I am trying to say is that your hubby may not even mean what he says or does......he may be using his own coping mechanisms to deal with the day to day circumstances of living with BP. True, learning about it and gaining knowledge will definitely help but he needs to come to that realization and be able to commit to wanting to learn about BP in order to help both you and himself out. I find that sometimes by writing a letter to my husband telling him what I need from him sometimes helps get more action. Men are coimplicated beings to begin with and do not have the intuition or sensitvity that we women have. As my hubby often says...."Kick me once in a while as a reminder!!!" If I actually followed through he would have many bruises by now!!

I hope my post somehow helps....I feel at a loss but I do hope that it lets you know that I do understand and hope that somehow things could get better. You have 31 years behind you and that isn't something that is easy to let go of....not without a fight!!

Let me know if there is anything I can do....I am here if you need to talk some more. You just give a holler and I will be there for you.

(((HUGS))) ~ Goody

Last edited by goody2shuz; 10-29-2006 at 12:50 PM.

 
Old 10-29-2006, 01:31 PM   #5
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kiehn HB User
Re: Help me understand

Thanks Goody for your words of wisdom, if i could just get above this depression I could fight this all much better. Erin is very fortunate to have someone so understanding.

 
Old 10-29-2006, 09:04 PM   #6
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MSLAINIE HB User
Re: Help me understand

Hi Kiehn
My Son Is Bipolar. But My Dad Will Acknowledge This Fact Of My Sons Life, He At Almost 70 Is Set In His Ways And He Grew Up Where No One Spoke About Anything Abnormal. My Ex Mom-in-law Is The Same Way. This Is Life. I Think After 30years He Is Never Going To Change. Also Note I Look And Called Alot Of Psy Offices To Find My Son A Man Doctor And They Are Rare. I Found 1 Or 2 In Past But The Ratio Is Like 75%woman Psy Doc And Therapists To 25% Men Psy Doc That Handle Kids Under 18 Yrs Old.
You Could Find A Bipolar Support Group. I Know It Would Be Easier And Make You Happy If Your Hubby Was There Like You Want Him. But Like He Told You He Wants Old You Meaning Not Pressure Him To Talk About It. Some People Dont Get It. Even People With Cancer (my Close) Friend Has Same Problem With Her Spouse.
Take Care
Mslainie

Last edited by MSLAINIE; 10-29-2006 at 09:09 PM.

 
Old 10-30-2006, 08:55 AM   #7
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kiehn HB User
Re: Help me understand

Thanks Melianie,
You could be right, as my husband is 61 yrs old. Yesterday I didnt feel well and spent the whole day in bed and he must have come in a dozen times to see how I was doing. Then made mention it might be the flu, of course it wasnt but a combo of headaches and depression. I have tried the support groups but the closest is an hour away and and I didnt find it very helpful, not to mentiont he cost of gas. I will just stick with this board for now, I keep telling myself someday I will have a friend, we both understand each other, can call each other at any time, etc. Thanks Sue

 
Old 10-31-2006, 07:28 PM   #8
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mcdreamy HB User
Re: Help me understand

Hi there I am sorry for your pain you are in. I have been married to a bi-polar man for 37 years. He will not talk to me and I want to help him. I am trying to be educated about this illness but he shuts me out. He is hardly dealing with it himself and we are in a really bad place in our marrige right now. He has pulled away from me and I cant help him, I do want to. I am sad and scared as to what will happen. Keep trying for the sake of both of you .30 + years is a long time to give up on!

 
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