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Old 10-31-2006, 07:08 PM   #1
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mcdreamy HB User
Back On The Coster Again

Well we are back on the coster again! Two nites this week my husband says he has gone to AA meetings but has stayed out most of the nite. He says to me he just didnt want to come home! This comes out of the blue after several good weeks attending AA and taking his meds. Or so I thought. I dont check his meds ,should I ? He should be responsible for his own meds ,right? I have had this happen sooo many times I am numb! He does not respect me and really doesnt seem to care how these all nighters hurt me,sitting here wondering if hes dead or alive. Should I set a boundry and tell him the next time he does this his bags will be packed or should I just ask him to move out until he makes a decision as to what he wants? I cant keep waking up or staying up all nite. I feel like he knows I will tolerate this behavior,and I know I souldnt,but I am afraid he will self destruct without me. I need help!,what sould I do?

 
Old 10-31-2006, 07:31 PM   #2
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dragon64 HB User
Re: Back On The Coster Again

I'm real sorry to hear that, I know how you feel, please don't feel alone. (((hugs))) I bought a Bipolar Supporter kit on the web, and it suggests setting down boundaries otherwise a person can be drawn into a co-dependent relationship which is not good for either of you. It's not easy, I'm dealing with a Bipolar husband who seems to have disappeared off the face of the earth at the moment too. The book is very definite about not abandoning someone in the middle of an episode. Once he is stable I think that you should make it clear to him what you will or won't accept. This is the really hard part - if he then ignores the boundaries, you will have to follow through with what you said you will do. If you are not ready to have him out of your life, I think that time out until he decides what to do is the least traumatic for you. I know that it's hard, I'm struggling with it too.

 
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Old 10-31-2006, 07:38 PM   #3
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Re: Back On The Coster Again

Hi, Mcdreamy I am soooo sorry for all the pain that you are experiencing at this time with your husband. I think that at this point in time that you need to think about YOU and what is best for your emotional well being. It sounds as if this has been going on for quite sometime now and it is so unfair of your husband to say he is going somewhere and doesn't even come home. I think that there should be definite consequences or boundaries set. What that may be is the difficult thing to do.

I would make him own up to his behavior....you made mention of a sponsor....I would certainly think it would be fair that if he goes out and doesn't come home that he should make arrangements to stay with his sponsor for a while until he can get himself into a better place. Is that an option???

Whatever you do decide I would stick to....your husband is responsible for taking his meds and trying to get himself stable. Using alcohol only adds to the problem.

I am sending you (((HUGS))) hoping that you find some peace and strength to do whatever needs to be done ~ Goody

 
Old 10-31-2006, 07:55 PM   #4
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Re: Back On The Coster Again

Thank you ,I too am sorry you are having to go down this path. Has your husband been gone long/ Mine left again this afternonn while I was running an errand. When I came back he had closed our bussiness and left.We are normaly open all day and for him to lock up and leave shocked me ! It is 11pm and I still have not heard from him, and last nite he came home at 5 am. I dont know if this is an eppisode, he says he didint want to come home. It really hurt when he said it and I cried,that upset him even more. He is very unhappy with himself and I dont know what to do to help. He has felt this way for years and cant or wont try to change. In the meantime I have lost pieces of me. I am tired of tying to reach out,he just runs away from the problen,He thinks he can run from what is wrong but as You know you cant run from yourself and you cant fix something if you dont acknowledge it.

 
Old 10-31-2006, 08:02 PM   #5
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Re: Back On The Coster Again

I have not met his sponsor so I dont know. I am going to think about asking him to move out until he can make some sort of decision. His family has a house that is going to be sold that is vacant but funished. He could stay there, but I worry that it might make him more depressed to be alone. I think he would still see his sponsor and go to his meetings.He seems to have connected to this sponsor.I need a miracle!!!

 
Old 11-03-2006, 12:55 AM   #6
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dragon64 HB User
Re: Back On The Coster Again

Hi McDreamy. I'm sorry to be going down this path too. My good friend keeps on telling me, just keep on putting one step in front of another, and before you'll know it, you'll be through the worse part. I've spoken to my husband since I last posted. The conversation was cordial, but he is still thinking divorce. What will be, will be. In the end, I can only be responsible for my own actions. I have been loving and supportive, but any more than this, the relationship risks turning into a co-dependency. I'm trying to chill out and not get too anxious or frustrated. I'm trying to keep as calm as possible, but it's not easy at all. I'm drinking heaps of relaxing and calming herbal tea in an attempt to de-stress. You will be in my prayers.

 
Old 11-03-2006, 06:50 AM   #7
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mcdreamy HB User
Re: Back On The Coster Again

Thank you for your reply, I feel the same . He has told me he doesnt know what he wants and that he will always love me but hes not in love with me. Sadly, I feel the same after years of broken promises and lots of lost time. I have never lived alone so it is hard! Thank God I have my dogs,they are good company! I seem to do better if I dont talk to him often and very briefly. I talked to him this morning and he sounded good but I hung up the phone and cried. I am like you,just one day at a time. I will pray for you too,hang in there. Have you been married long? Do you have children?:

 
Old 11-04-2006, 07:13 PM   #8
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marshmallow HB User
Re: Back On The Coster Again

mcdreamy, every post you make I can relate to and I agree with Goody you must take care of you right now. You really are helpless to do anything except to care for you. It is very sad and I know how you feel when you see somene you love going down you want to lift them up but this time you really can't. You said you have lost pieces of yourself and I feel that way too. I use to laugh all the time now I cry. I just hope you can do what is best for you before you lose too much of yourself. Hugs.

 
Old 11-05-2006, 02:38 AM   #9
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Re: Back On The Coster Again

Hi McDreamy, I have not been married long. I was hoping for children, but may be it's just as well that none came along. I agree with Marshmellow, I don't laugh a lot anymore either, but I'm working at changing that. I'm trying to keep the line of communication open, because I think that he needs all the love and support that he can get. It's actually easier to give emotional support when there is a bit of distance separating us. I was not prepared when he went into an episode and we both ended up hurting one another. So, time apart is actually good for both of us to heal and become whole again. Having said all that, I really miss him and I wish that things were different.

 
Old 11-06-2006, 04:06 PM   #10
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Re: Back On The Coster Again

mcdreamy I hope your doing all right let us know.

 
Old 11-06-2006, 09:13 PM   #11
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sadly waiting

Thank you for your support. I know we all have a common bond , and that is to get through this pain in 1 piece! I am having a hard time not wanting to call him and tell him it will all be ok. I know in my heart it may not ever be ok,and that is what tears me to pieces. We have been together so long I dont know how to just be me. I am trying to do things I want to do and leave him to do what he needs to do. It seems if I talk to him I cry when I hang up. I need to remember it takes time and I am having a hard time with all of this! I am sure you have felt the same. He doesnt seem to care what I am feeling and makes me even more hurt. I left him a short note the other day when he came to the house to pick up more of his things. I wasnt here,I didnt want to be ,but I wanted him to know I was supporting him in his effort to get his life straightened out and that I was happy he was trying. He left the note crumbled up on the floor,next to where his bags had been. I took it as he didnt care that I had written it. Maybe he cant care now because he is out of control I dont know anymore! This is not easy!!!!!

Last edited by mcdreamy; 11-06-2006 at 09:24 PM.

 
Old 11-07-2006, 03:13 AM   #12
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Re: Back On The Coster Again

Yes, we all have a common bond. I know how you are feeling. I'm feeling down today after talking to my husband. When I spoke to him a couple of days ago he was communicative, but today he was saying things that were very hurtful. The unfairness of it all really got to me. It's mind boggling how totally uncaring he was of how I was feeling. He was saying negative things about my character and how I do things. It was all so one sided. He was really disrepectful and my love and support for him counted for nothing. I kept calm, but when I got off the phone I was so angry that I thought "who need this?". My doctor told me that I should have asked him for his advice before I married my husband. His advice then would have been forget it, and his advice now is to divorce as soon as possible. He also told me that there will be no joy or happiness in this marriage and that my whole life will revolve around this person because there is only room for one star on this particular stage. I felt sad when I heard this because I can picture my husband when he is feeling lost and it breaks my heart. I know that there are marriages out there that have worked, but mine will not be one of them.

 
Old 11-07-2006, 05:02 AM   #13
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Re: Back On The Coster Again

dragon I know how you feel and when they are falling apart it does break our hearts but we really cannot do a thing for them in reality. I think I have just recently come to that conclusion. It is all about them yet they feel that they are the best husbands anyone could have one minute and the next they are feeling so quilty and that they are the worse person in the world. The truth is they want to be good mates but can't see what is really going on. They do not think right when not on meds. Very very sad.

 
Old 11-07-2006, 02:13 PM   #14
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Re: Back On The Coster Again

You all are saying everything that I've said to myself over & over again. I think and remember back to the man I married...and I'm just sad. I have a feeling that he will never be that man again and he's long gone. I haven't seen that man for about 5 years. The other day I threw out old love letters from him because I know that's NOT the person he is anymore and it just rips my heart out when I read them. I have lost my husband, my best friend, my lover,...I wonder how long I can go on living this way. I know that I won't live this way forever because I know and understand all too much about losing pieces of yourself, as you all have said. I have a little boy to think of so I know I need to put him first and formost. Anyway, I had to chime in once again because this is all my life, my thoughts. We all need to be strong and keep on keepin' on!!! God Bless everyone here. Remember to hold on to your Faith and keep your focus on GOD. Hugs, Kym.

 
Old 11-07-2006, 06:00 PM   #15
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dragon64 HB User
Re: Back On The Coster Again

What you are saying Kymberlee is so true. I don't know what happened to the man I fell in love with. I've been waiting for him to come back, but I think that he is gone forever too. Marshmellow is so right, I can't do anything about this except to let him go. Thank you for your postings, it really helped knowing that I am not alone. Mcdreamy, I hope that you are doing OK too.

 
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