I am so happy to find this site! It is so nice not to feel so isolated. I have been crying through all of your posts-which sure beats crying about my stuff-which gets so old. Crying because I feel for all of us who live with this disorder or who live with loved ones with this disorder. Crying because you all will understand when I say I am at the end of my rope. Glad to know I won't have to explain mental illness-(which still has real negative reactions in most circles.)
Hi-I have two kids who are bipolar. My son Andy is 16-he also has ADHD. He is on quite alot of medication-but I have been so blessed he has a wonderful doctor and his meds work very well. When he went through puberty last summer-he attempted suicide and was hospitalized. His growth spurt caused the imbalance. He added Depakote and has been good since.
My daughter-who is 18 is another story. She was diagnosed and hospitalized too since age 15/16 but she is in deep denial.She refuses any and all help/medication. She dropped out of high school, can't keep a job, and lives in the moment. She has been in trouble with the law. She lies constantly, does not come home. Recently she stole her brother's Adderall so we lock everything up. We also know she is doing other drugs and self medicating. Since she is 18-and unless she hurts herself or someone else-we have been told there is not much we can do.We payed for her doctor-but we can't get any info from him on her treatment. She has been verbally abusive, violent, destroyed heirlooms. She see's no connection on how her life is good on meds (she usually gets a job-talks about going to school-dates a nice guy) Then BOOM-3 to 4 weeks after stop taking meds-its-no job-moves on to next guy-allienates everyone at home and follows no rules (like coming home at night)
So now- We have to actually get a lawyer and pay to evict our own daughter and it's killing us. She has left us no options. She has put us through hell for 3 years and we have tried to help her constantly and have spent thousands on treatment-therapy, pills, classes-etc.. whatever it would take.It's almost like an acoholic-she has to admitt it.
I am starting to resent "normal" families and peaceful homes. I am jealous of people who are bored and complain about driving the kids to games. I have a third son who is not ill. It has ben so hard on him living in total chaos 24/7-I feel guilty of what he has been put through.
He was on Zoloft at 10 years old-to help him get through his day- how pathetic and sad is that? Other kids would be like-"I watched Sponge Bob last night" And he would be like "My sister broke our front window in a rage with her shoe and the cops came-AGAIN"
When I held Ashley in my arms when she was born and looked on her sweet face -never in a million years did I expect to feel so much pain and resentment toward her and this wretched disorder. (Yes-it's very hard to seperate the two.)
If your kids are young-document everything- all the behavior-the mood swings- and get copies of their medical records now-because once they are 18-you are out of it and have no say.You need proof of everything.
Whew! Thanks for letting me vent-God bless all of you- the Parents who live in chaos -wondering constantly is it you, bad behavoir, the illness or what combo-and for those who suffer from , and pay such a high personal price,from this disorder.
If it wasn't for the progress my son has made-I would be in deep dispare-there still is hope.
Welcome, Lostit I am off to do some errands but just wanted to welcome you aboard. ((((HUGS)))) for all that you are enduring, the torment and pain, the cycling through all of this to get your kids well even at the cost of letting go....God bless you for being the mom that you are....it takes a special person to be able to endure all of this....I guess that makes me SPECIAL too!!
I will be back in the near future, when that will be I really don't know but I will be back!!!
wow your daughter sounds like me oh so long ago good luck your story broke my heart i was that girl and the only reason i changed was because i got pregnant at a young age by a boy who grew up in a stable christian home and we have been married 9yrs now he truly has saved me from myself many of times Gods blessings to your family shelb
I am so sorry to read about what you're going through. I can't imagine how tough it must be to watch your kids deal with this - so much harder than going through it yourself. Sometimes we have to do incredibly difficult things for our children, although it doesn't look like we're doing it for their good at the time.
I understand what you mean about other people's 'normal' lives - my son has autism and I can no longer listen to my friends complaining that their kid woke up in the night last night - I'd give my right arm for that to be the extent of my son's problems! I'm sure you'd swap anything for your only gripe to be driving your kids around a lot. I think the problem is peoples' problems are all relative to them - those of us with major difficulties tend to live our lives in a kind of accelerated state and don't worry too much about the smaller things (we have too much big stuff to think through). Other people live much calmer, steadier lives and so smaller things cause bigger ripples for them. I'm afraid I'm not too polite to people any more and will often tell them now to stop complaining - I've no patience or tact these days and have turned into a gobby mare who upsets people - I guess we all have a path to follow!!
I hope that, at some stage, your daughter realises she needs to look after herself better. It must be very hard to be faced with such a life changing disability at such a young age - I didn't start having serious problems until I was in my late twenties so I guess I'd done most of my 'high living' bit by then.
You're a fab mum. Hang in there, try not to beat yourself up about what you have to do (and I know that's so much easier said than done) and vent, vent, vent as much as you need to.
Hi Lostit, your message made my hair stand up. I too have a 17 year old who is "aging out of the system." I have been told that unless she hurts herself or others there is nothing I can do. I feel exactly the way you do. I am so angry. I was recently looking at her baby picture and I just sarted screaming in pain. She is my only child. There wasn't a piano recital, a sports event a school play I didn't miss. My husband and I are high school teachers and as such, the importance of an education and of having good friends were a very common topic of discussion in my home. She has had support and is a product of a very loving family.
But, I am tired. I have these awful bags under my eyes, I'm only 39 and I feel like I'm 75.
I am in huge debt becuase my insurance won't pay for thousands of dollars of 4 hospitilizations, therapy sessions etc. Everytime some boy breaks up with her, she tries to kill herself. as soon as she is out of the hospital, she goes back to her "Boy, sex driven life" and ends up in drama, more than she can handle. Everbody hates her, every boy in town has probably slept with her, she has run away, she talks to me as if I were trash, she lies, she's never home, she always wants to be away from me.
I teach seniors and I feel the way you do when I hear of "normal kids". My daughetr is a senior in High school, and she is not writing the senior essays, applying for colleges, asking to visit different campuses. My students are asking me for recommendation letters, my daughter is off somewhere always looking for trouble.
Yesterday some thug called me telling me "to keep my daughter away from him" that "he is not the father of her child". I didn't even know she was seeing this person. I demanded to know if she was pregnant, I bought a home pregnancy test-it was negative. I proceeded to tell her that there are things she can do to make her life less dramatic, less chaotic, but she jsut blew me off-and went off with some guy.
I am tired. I feel that I have done all I can for her. But I feel guilty and I am afraid to let her go. Sometimes I think that she is Bipolar but she is also selfish and self centered. I am having a difficult time separating the two.
Is "apathy" part of this illness? she sees how much pain she causes but she really doesn't care. When I tell her that I really miss her, that I am hurting as well, that her illness has affected us all, that she is old enough to face this demond and work on getting better, she gives me a look and then in sarcasm, gives me two "thumbs up" and says, "what do you want? A trophee for all your hardwork?"
I am begining to recent her. I hate to admit it but it is true. I don't know how much longer I can have her live with me. I can't help her. I am useless.
[I]hello ladies i wish i had good news for you but i really don't i was that girl you all are speaking of and if it weren't for my husband and baby i had at 16 baby at 17yrs i truly believe i would of become a stripper been killed or od on some type of drug[i am so lucky to have made it i know the drinking ,drugs and regret i carried were very heavy but never knew how to leave it behind until i had no other choice and now i have children 3 2 boys and a girl some people say oh you just wait what you did to your mom will come back around to you so at times I've thought how would i prevent being a door matt for my child and my answer is tough love i honestly believe if my mom would have put my butt Gods blessings shelb in a home as soon as i started wrecking everyones lives that i would have been different i would have been medicated watched so i did not hurt myself and your girls are turning 18 i think the real world will be tough well as tough as you will let it be stand strong real love is tough so use it /I]
My Son Is Bipolar 15 1/2, He Is On Depakote,abilify And Lots Of Therapy And Is Doing Great Now. It Was Hell And I Was Nuts. I Am A Single Mom. My Daughter 13 Is Adha But Lately Her Meds Dont Work, She Is Overweight And I Am Worried, She Is Nasty To Me And My Son. She Refused To Be In Counciling And Going To A Nutionist. In Our State I Have Until She Is 14. She Is Failing School But Goes Every Day. I Been Consumed With Her Brother--he Was Suicidal,homicidal, Violent, Not Sleeping, Ect.....there Was A Point Her And I Were Scared Of Him. But I Quit Work And I Am Home. He Has Come A Long Way And He Is Happy For 1st Time In 2 1/2 Yrs Some Of Time. And It Took A Long Road. Now I Am On It Again With My Daughter. But She Is So Different To Deal With Then My Son. I Pray I Can Guide And Help Her Feel Good Again.....
You Are Not Alone...
Take Care And Prays To You.
I'm Back, Lostit Had some things on the homefront to deal with as often is the case but didn't like leaving you hanging.
Yes, it sure is comforting to know that there is no wasted time in telling others how it is when you are wearing the same pair of shoes....they are shoes that we must wear even though at times we feel as if we are blistering and would like to trade them in for a new fancier pair .....but heck, we're stuck with them, aren't we???
I hear you about your older daughter.....I have an 18 year old who I am quite concerned about having Bipolar characteristics and who is now in her first year of college. I didn't recognize it until our younger daughter was diagnosed always chalking it up to an over rebellious teen. Her irritability and agitation went over the top, our rules were too much and everything that went wrong was our fault. Her behavior was totally disrespectful often verbally and physcially volatile....she ended up living with a friend next door and discovered that she was taking caffeine pills with ephedra for extra energy. We set up counselling which she only attended for a few sessions. She ended up arrested for underage drinking, was suspended from high school just months before graduating but her grades were wonderful it was only the anger and frustration and poor impulsive decisions that seemed to be the problem. After our 15 year old was diagnosed and our older daughter was still 17. I shared my concerns about her being Bipolar as well. She told me that the only reason that my other daughter was so messed up was because of me and that I had brainwashed myself into thinking she was Bipolar and that she wasn't. There was a time that I went through the symptoms one by one with my 18 year old and she told me that it sounded alot like her. But she is not having any part of seeking out treatment and we have accepted the fact that when the time comes that she realizes that she needs help she will go out and seek it out for herself or come to us to find it for her. Meanwhile we continue to see signs of her having problems and hope that she will be okay until she gets the help she needs. In a way we have let go....and if she comes home with behavior that is going to disrespect our household and make it difficult for our younger daughter to continue to get well, then we are going to ask her to leave as well. She is 18 and if she thinks that she should live somewhere without having to act responsibly and/or follow some basic guidelines then it may be best for her to live on her own with her own set of rules and learning to take the consequences of her own actions. Unfortunately that will either land her in the hospital or in jail with very little I can do to assist her. I am sure that you are coming to that realization but it is called tough love and may be the only thing that will save our daughters.
Tough love is the most difficult kind of love.....it is a great sacrifice which takes alot of love and courage on our parts knowing that by letting go and allowing them to fall and pick themselves back up again is what may save them in the end. And it may also allow them the opportunity to hit rock bottom which is where they need to be in order to seek out the help that they need.
I feel for you Lostit and LAP......it is not an easy thing to do, but you are great mothers and have done everything you could have possibly done for your girls.....the truth of the matter is now it is up to them to help themselves and to find strength to let go so that they can do it. It is going to be tough watching them fall and not going in to help them.....but it is so important that you do so in order for them to know what they must do in order to get back up again.
Please continue to come here....there are so many who really do care.
Hi, Newbie, I am a Newbie, too. I just signed on tonight. I am just a few years ahead of you with my 24 year old son but going through the same heart ache. My son was also ADHD and diagnosed Bipolar in high school. I fought the school district all 12 years and he finally ended up in a psychiatric day program to graduate. I foolishly thought that would be it. Like your daughter, at 18 we were no longer able to be involved in his mental health care. He stopped all meds and counseling. I insisted he move out since it was destroying the family and our marriage. He lost his job, got evicted, and ran off to Australia!! Since then he seemed to be doing better until recently when he again met someone and left home. I don't know how we moms survive when our hearts are broken. I keep hearing the people who told me from age 4 that there is nothing medically wrong with him, he's just bad. I also remember the little boy I wanted so much. I was an older mom. His childhood was not the one of storybooks but one of tears. Yes, I resent other moms with their adorable children. "My son just got into a good college." "My son just got his medication reduced." I'm glad i found this chat room and hope i hear from other moms like you.
Thanks Shelb-she grew up in a Christian home-but seems to have ditched her faith. Sometimes I feel only God can really help her now. You sound stable and happy-I pray she comes out of this for the better. Thanks for your post-can I be so bold to ask how your relationship with your parents is now?
I am so lucky to find this place. Thank you for being there. Thank you for validating my feelings! Thank you for not making me feel like I am the worst parent on the planet because I really don't know how to help her anymore. What you said about thing being relative is really so true. Sometimes I hate being alone-like walking in a mall or driving in my car-I feel like the walking wounded and all this stuff just comes pouring out. I almost think that people can see the major gaping hole where my heart used to be.
Are you tired of expalining your sons illness? Do your outer family members fully understand and give you support?
Mine are ok-but like I say untill you walk a mile in someone elses pumps you don't quite get the magnitude of it all.
It's funny you mentioned that she take better care of herself-Last night (or this morning at 5am-my husband found a guy (someone she is dating) in the hallway! Brought daughter-still under aged home drunk and she was passed out in bathroom in tub naked. Lovely huh? Glad my hubby didn't kill him! That would just add to my woes and legal bills!
Thanks for listening-you're a doll!
Oh my Gosh...now I have hairs standing up on the back of my neck! Could it be we have the same daughter??? Holy crap-I am stunned-I would think it was me writing if I saw this.
My daughter was dating a very- very nice boy.(when she was on the meds)then she went off them-her doing of course. 3 weeks later- basically told him she had an abortion of his kid. (I found out from a friend of hers she did this)
It was an aboslute lie-
Anyways-he got sick of her BS and dumped her so did her friend- but she "hooked up" right away with someone else. Loves mind games.
My daughter since age 11-very moody. I thought hormones-puberty etc.. At 15 she was nasty. Always yelling, picking a fight-playing the mind games-turned into a major Drama Queen.
It's been Ashley TV 24/7 and I want to shut it off!!!
I feel you when you say you've aged. I slept more when she was an infant- and she had colic! I slept the best when she was in the hospital-cause I knew where she was!
About the "apathy" - I think it must be a part of the illnes for some people. My daughter is a narcissus. It is all about her. To heck with everyone else. Everytime she gets in trouble-she diverts the issue by comming up with some whopper stories and immediate health problems. When she was 16-her dad and I caught a 19 year old boy in her room in his underwear hiding in her closet. We called the cops-when they came-they escorted him out-she grabbed the bottle of ibuprofin and downed like ten of them for the drama and spent the night in emergency.
I was telling one of the other gals that my hubby heard a noise at 5 am this morning-turns out this new guy she is dating took her to a party and brought her home stone drunk. (he is 23) He came over to appologize tonight-and I set him straight on what she is like and that we were having her evicted. Afterward-my daughter came downstairs and told me she needed to go to the hospital because she wanted to "blow her brains out" Please do not get me wrong-I take all suicide cries seriously-but here is the jist and how I know she is full of crap. She told me she wanted to go to the hospital-She was going to call herself an ambulance. I said because she has no insurance I would drive her and to put on her shoes. But NO! She wanted an ambulance- say again- please?!!
So then two seconds later her phone rang and she is out the door-HELLO? My bet is she is playing the poor me card to the new ignorant boyfriend. Oh yeah-before this she told me she puked up a lot of blood last night-I am like- "I am not surprised you didn't puke up a lung! "(she didn't- that was a lie too-because I had the lovely job of flushing the john- not that she would remember.
Find some comfort Your daughter will at least finish high school. My daughter took away our dream of proms and graduation-not to mention she was the first granddaughter on each side. Moments like that you don't get do-overs.
Ah yes the Holidays...Turkeys? Cranberries? Eviction Notices? I'll take the last please.
Hang in there-you got me as an comrade-I'm in the trenches with you.
You are in my thoughts and prayers. It's rough enough with one I know! Has the doctor considered her with a possible mood disorder too? I know my son and daughter were both so different in their moods and behaviors I would have never guessed in a million years they both had it. I just thought she was hormonal for a long time. (My mom was the reigning World Champion PMS QUeen till her hysterectomy! I thought she just inherited some of that untill she compleatly went off)
I feel for you-it's like a horrible, never ending treadmill that you can't get off or a nightmere you can't wake from.
Wishing you a good nights sleep!
Lee (aka LOST IT)