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Old 11-08-2006, 09:43 PM   #1
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sadflash HB User
I'm New Here

Hi All,

I just wanted to introduce myself... I have been reading this board for a couple weeks now.

I am a father of 3, and husband of a recently diagnosed woman. by recently, I mean so recently that she has not yet been prescribed any medication. She was diagnosed by a psychologist about 1.5 weeks ago, and has been waiting for her psychiatrist appointment so that she can be formally "labeled", and discuss medication.

I just wanted to say that it has been very hard for both of us lately, and reading this board has helped me make sense of some things. so thank you all.

 
Old 11-08-2006, 10:14 PM   #2
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goody2shuz HB Usergoody2shuz HB User
Re: I'm New Here

Hi And welcome to the boards. This is such a great place to be. I know that the shock of everything must be overwhelming for you and your family. I firmly believe that the more that you educate yourself on Bipolar the more that you will be able to support your wife and yourself through all of this.

As you well know....finding the right meds and being formally diagnosed is what is most effective in stabilizing your wife. The meds are almost like a roll of the dice.....it will take time to find the ones that will be the winning combo. So be patient and realize that this all is going to take time.

I think it is great that you are here. I personally have found this to be a great place to be....the people are awesome and will go above and beyond to help you out.

Again welcome and I look forward to seeing more of you here.

(((HUGS))) ~ Goody

 
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Old 11-09-2006, 12:31 AM   #3
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Re: I'm New Here

Hi Sadflash,

firstly welcome there are lots of partners as you will have noticed and you have years of experience to draw on. Don't be worried about asking any questions or just ranting. The good thing is that your wife is being 'labeled', which means help. I prefer diagnosed myself because BP is a condition and at times I really hate it other times I forget I have it but many times it has left me feeling guilty, worthless and embarrassed. Of course this happens with the highs and the lows and sometimes it's our partners who see it most. Good luck to you x

Juliet

 
Old 11-09-2006, 12:36 AM   #4
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crazywoman77 HB User
Re: I'm New Here

hi and welcome sad flash I hope you find this place as much a help as i have done. The good thing about being here is that many of our questions can be answerd by ready previous posts so if you dont want to post it can still help alot. I was diagnosed just over a month ago and I know my husband was finding it hard to come to terms with but the last few days he has started secretly reading the boards lol and since then he has been asking more questions and taking more notice. He actually said last night that he could see the meds starting to work and that he could see I was really trying to calm my temper lol. a week ago we couldnt of talked about any of this so it has been a huge step. btw goody if you read this thank you sooooooooo much and you were right things do get better especially now the lines of comunication have re opend thank you love and hugs to all keep hanging in there

 
Old 11-09-2006, 05:11 AM   #5
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Re: I'm New Here

Thank you all so much.

I want to apologise to juliet... I did not mean to offend you by referring to the process as "labeling." I am an outsider, and I cant possibly comprehend what you, my wife, and so many others are going through. I referred to diagnosis that way because that is how my wife sees it... as a label she has to wear, and I get the impression that there are many here at this board that feel the same way she does.

The hardest part of all this is dealing with the things she has done, and is possibly still doing. She has carried on affairs with at least 2 other men online, and even met and stayed with one for 5 days. Before diagnosis, we agreed that she was stressed, and needed to take a vacation for herself... she was gone for 11 days, and spent most of that time with him. I of course am extremely hurt by all of this, but made up my mind (before diagnosis) that no matter what she had done, I still loved her, and wouldn't give her up for the world. Now I see that this was a symptom of a much larger issue, not the issue itself.

I still have a lot of healing to do, and I really need her to try to help me pick up the pieces, but she is not in a place to do that now. I have tried to talk to her about things, but it stresses her out. She left yesterday morning, to go stay in a hotel... I have no idea where she is, who she is with, or when she will be back. This is the way she wanted it. She is afraid that if I know where she is staying that I will try to go get her and bring her back home. While this is exactly what I want to do... I know it is not what is best for her now.

I need to find a way to deal with my heartache, jealousy, and the stress of being a single father for basically the last 6 months. I am just so tired of waiting... I need to talk to her, so that I can start to feel better... but I cant do that until she starts to feel better.

Thanks for listening.

 
Old 11-09-2006, 05:34 AM   #6
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goody2shuz HB Usergoody2shuz HB User
Re: I'm New Here

Quote:
Originally Posted by sadflash
I need to find a way to deal with my heartache, jealousy, and the stress of being a single father for basically the last 6 months. I am just so tired of waiting... I need to talk to her, so that I can start to feel better... but I cant do that until she starts to feel better.
What wise words you have said here....you are right and until your wife is properly medicated there will be no reasoning with her. So you are rigt to take this time to put the oxygen mask on yourself before you can even think of helping her.

The truth of the matter is this is not going to be a quick fix and I think that you are already aware of that. Take this time to recharge yourself and to educate yourself so that when the time comes you are able to understand what your wife is going through. It is obvious that you love her enough to want to do that and I give you alot of credit for doing so. The thing is.....how much does your wife want the help??? By what you describe she seems to want it if she is going to the appointments and realizes that she needs a diagnosis and treatment.

I do not agree that your wife should see this as a "label"....I think that comes from a lack of understanding or knowledge of BP and once she understands it more she will not feel that way. Not to say that anyone is not going to "label" her.....the thing is, once she is stabilized she will understand that there are people who "earn" the right to know of her diagnosis and others that do not. That is so important for her to understand.

I have a 15 year old daughter recently diagnosed.....prior to the diagnosis she did things much like your wife, things I never ever imagined she would do. And there was no reasoning with her.....what she wanted she got and there was nobody standing in her way....even the law. Fortunately we got a wise judge that saw that she needed help and once she was properly diagnosed and on meds things got better. We were able to reason with her and her irritability and agitation decreased. Unfortunately she had developed an adveres effect to her med and is now declining back.....part of it is due to not having good followup care that we were assured of having and our hands are somewhat tied because the care comes from the courts and we must take it until she is discharged OR requiring services that they cannot provide. Her behaviors prior to being medicated are returning and despite our pleas to have another med put in place before removing the other we must sit by and watch our daughter decline when she had come so far. Thankfully she sees the psychiatric Nurse Practitioner who perscribes her meds today and she will hopefully get us back to feeling better.

There is alot to getting your wife to a better place but with enought love, patience and support she WILL get there. The most important thing is that she is going to have to want it too....that is key to getting better, wanting it enough. If she doesn't there really isn't anything you or I could do to convince her to want to get better....she must want that herself.

I am glad that you are here and your wife is so lucky to have a husband who is so forgiving and willing to stand supportively on the sidelines rooting for his wife to get better. There is alot of remorse involved in all of this.....your wife's actions are somewhat out of her control until she is properly medicated and when she is she will not be proud of some of her actions. Having a forgiving husband is a gift and will make it easier for her to want to get better. So stand strong and learn to take care of yourself.....your wife is really the one in charge of taking care of herself and wanting to do so. Showing her how to will be a good start.

(((HUGS))) ~ Goody

 
Old 11-09-2006, 06:24 AM   #7
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coffeegirl2 HB User
Re: I'm New Here

Sadflash

Welcome! You are definitely going through a lot right now. The waiting time between now and the appointment is lond and enduring but can be very managable. Coming to boards like this one, reading books, and finding support groups are ways of helping you and your wife come together in this situation.

A good book that I recommend for educating both you and your wife is the following book: NOTE: I have read 'too many' books about Bipolar Disorder- and this one, really has been one with lots of help and information, along with another author behind it.

'The Bipolar Survival Guide:What You and Your Family Need To Know' By: David J. Miklowitz

And, an author who writes wonderful books about Bipolar Disorder is Kay Jamison. She has written numerous books that also would be of help as well, but in a different foremat. The other book is more upfront and explanitory. Her books describe life as a Bipolar person lives from day to day.

When I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder it was very hard on my DH. I had stopped my Paxil- so had been going through awful withdrawls from that- very angry person to be around, inflated the mood swings, etc. And, was not able to meet with the pdoc for another month. I was diagnosed immediately and prescribed two medications the first appointment. My DH was relieved when I was diagnosed, and so was I though the stigma is awful to live with at times.

Going through this illness has taught me and my DH a lot. We have been through some very rough times since my diagnosis. It has brought us closer together.

Take care of yourself. Take time outs with just you and the kids, and give your wife a break to herself. You will have fun with your kids. Then tell your wife you need a time out for yourself alone. You each deserve that. But most of all- Have a special date night.

Blessings

Coffeegirl
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a loving heart is the truest wisdom

 
Old 11-09-2006, 10:43 AM   #8
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sadflash HB User
Re: I'm New Here

Thanks goody & coffeeGirl...

I am trying... and a special date night sounds like a fantastic idea. Unfortunately my wife wants nothing to do with me right now (hence the running away to a hotel.) I know I need to give her space, but it is so hard. I never had a problem with it until I found out about the other men. Now I have become jealous and obsessive, but again... I am trying.

I find myself repetitively singing "hold on loosely" by 38 special... and it is helping... I know that sounds ridiculously cheesy, but it's true. If you don't believe me look up the lyrics.

Say what you will about 38 special, but they really nailed that one.

it's like my new mantra... I think I am going to have it printed on t-shirts or something

 
Old 11-09-2006, 02:50 PM   #9
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scullyboy HB User
Thumbs up Re: I'm New Here

Hi Sadflash

Welcome to the boards and as you can see you will get loads of help and assistance when and where you need it.

As for the situation you find yourself in at the moment I can only gues at the torment it is causing you and I can only offer you my sympathies, and reassure you that things will get better once your wife gets the much needed help she is crying out for.

BP is a nasty disorder for people to live with weather they suffer from it or live with a sufferer and who is to say what is the right way to approach somone who sufferes from it as they realy don't know what frame of mind they are in from day to day...?.
All I can suggest is to try and get her to read these notice boards ( but not this one as it will tend to make her paranoid ) that way she can see that she is not alone and that a lot of people from around the world suffer the same labling as she doe's

You have shown the strenth to get this far please belive me when I say that things can only get better from now.

Good luck, stay positive and healthy she may not show it but your wife needs you more now then before..?, and I personally feel you are more of a man for staying the course than using her illness as an excuse to leave her.?
Stick at it you will be rewarded with time and patiants

Reguards from Scullyboy (Steve )

Last edited by scullyboy; 11-09-2006 at 02:51 PM.

 
Old 11-09-2006, 05:09 PM   #10
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Re: I'm New Here

hi sadflash!

I am happy you are here with us. I know how it feels to love someone with this awful illness. I am a mom of a 17year old bipolar daughter. I bet you feel as if an 18 wheeler has run over you.
I am here if you need me.

Laura

 
Old 11-09-2006, 05:09 PM   #11
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LAP18 HB User
Re: I'm New Here

hi sadflash!

I am happy you are here with us. I know how it feels to love someone with this awful illness. I am a mom of a 17year old bipolar daughter. I bet you feel as if an 18 wheeler has run over you.
I am here if you need me.

Laura

 
Old 11-09-2006, 05:09 PM   #12
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LAP18 HB User
Re: I'm New Here

hi sadflash!

I am happy you are here with us. I know how it feels to love someone with this awful illness. I am a mom of a 17year old bipolar daughter. I bet you feel as if an 18 wheeler has run over you.
I am here if you need me.

Laura

 
Old 11-09-2006, 07:57 PM   #13
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sadflash HB User
Re: I'm New Here

Thanks Laura... yeah, I've felt better. The worst part is that I feel inferior now... We got married young, and have been the happiest couple you would ever meet for almost 10 years. no matter what the problem, we only ever needed each other... Now I need her desperately, but she needs to be away from me. I know it is selfish, but I want to be her everything again. It kills me that I cant be that anymore.

I know I have been doing a great deal of whining in this thread, but I feel so much better being able to get it out, and having kind strangers to listen. Thank you all so much.

 
Old 11-10-2006, 06:45 AM   #14
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jgr01 HB User
Re: I'm New Here

Dear Sadflash,

I didn't take offence. Not at all. Unfortunately the reality is that so many uneducated folks with or without BP label us; diabetics are labled too afterall?! Normally for just being diabetic but now the social stigma of probably eating / drinking and generally overindulging in a slovenly way - ughhh - we just hate fatties don't we?!!!! This is a label you see and most diabetics or folks with eating problems have some other issue and they're still people with feelings and emotions and good qualities.
Married young for 10yrs? hmm when did you notice her behaviour first?

 
Old 11-10-2006, 08:31 AM   #15
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Re: I'm New Here

the first time I remember her being distant or seeming depressed was after our second child was born. She went through a period of what I thought was postpartum depression. But even then, we worked thorough it, and after about a month, she was doing well, and we were "back to normal". That was 7 years ago.

When looking back, at other instances of stress in her life, it becomes apparent that she has been dealing with this since she was about 13, but it was semi controllable, and the periods of mania or depression didn't last long.

This time, the depression and distance is familiar, but that is not what is going on now. I can only assume what is happening more frequently now is mania, or hypo-mania... for instance... she has always been extremely well organized, and planned just about everything meticulously. Now she is unable to concentrate, and just doesn't have to will or desire to plan anything. This, of course, really bothers her.

What bothers me is her callousness toward me, and anything having to do with my feelings, or the health of our relationship in general.

 
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