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Old 11-10-2006, 08:32 AM   #1
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cant take anymore

im writing this because i dont know what else to do, ive just reached the lowest point ive had all year and i cant cope.
Ive messed my tablets up recently, going from 600mg back down to 400mg because i was too supressed and then back up to 500mg because i went hypomanic.I know this probably hasnt helped. For the past month ive been very elated, started overspending and had loads of confidence. Now ive just crashed big time. Ive become very suicidal and cant stop crying and drinking. I just dont want to be here anymore and i cant fight that feeling. I dont have the courage to do anything, but i just wish i could fall into a deep sleep and not wake up. I feel so so awful.
I started dating someone recently who i met while i was hypo and they have now cut contact with me without any explanation which hasnt helped the way im feeling as i feel rejected, but im sure i would of crashed anyway. I dont feel theres anyone who can help me, if i call my pdoc i just get told to stay calm and not do anything stupid. No one really understands. im supposed to be going on holiday on wednesday and i just cant go, i feel so panicky and awful and going away is the last thing i can cope with. But my sister has paid a lot of money for the holiday and will lose it all if i dont go, as well as be really angry with me.
i just dont know what to do
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Old 11-10-2006, 08:44 AM   #2
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Re: cant take anymore

Fallen, I know exactly how you are feeling right now, I've been there many many times. You're not going to like this but you MUST stop drinking RIGHT NOW. It is the alcohol that is bringing on the depression. I have stopped drinking for 5 weeks now, I'm on more meds and it makes me feel sick if I do, but i don't actually want to. Before I drank when i was high and when i was low. But the lows with alcohol are truly truly awful. Alcohol makes you paranoid, you lose judgement and become very hateful of yourself. I wish I could reach out and give you a hug. If you don't stop drinking tonight. Start tomorrow as a new day and try not to tomorrow. don't beat yourself up about not being able to, but go back and see the doc about your drinking. But you have to understand the effects of alcohol and embrace the fact it isn't helping....if you can. Big Love

((((hugs))))
Juliet

 
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Old 11-10-2006, 08:52 AM   #3
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Picali HB User
Re: cant take anymore

Hi Fallen

We've all been where you are now and it's the hardest thing to cope with. Try getting through the day in little ten minute sections - set yourself a little task to do like getting dressed, deep breathing, checking your e-mails - anything that's quite easy and will help you feel a bit more in control. Try and avoid thinking about things way in the future - try to concentrate on the next 10 minutes and not any further away than that.

With regards to your holiday, if you're ill, you're ill. No-one should be angry with you for being unwell - it's not your fault and it's not a very supportive attitude. Perhaps your insurance covers the cost or someone else might buy the ticket? If it's making you anxious it's probably best to get out of it now - if your sister gets angry with you for being unwell then she really needs to think about how well she understands your condition.

Keep posting! We're all here for you x

 
Old 11-10-2006, 10:31 AM   #4
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Re: cant take anymore

Hi Fallen, I just want to say (((((((((((((BIG HUGS))))))))))))))) hang in there and remember things do get better this feeling does pass. And our friend was right deffo see the doc about the drinking as we all have found out soooo not good when depressed. I was where you are just over a month ago now and I was lucky not to of done any serious damage and now i am feeling so much better as i said hang in there hun and never beat yourself up about things you cant help or change will pray for you tonight xx

 
Old 11-10-2006, 11:05 AM   #5
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Re: cant take anymore

Thank you to you all so much, ive not had a drink since this afternoon as i know it will make me worse, i still feel horrible, i wish there was an easy way out, ive not crashed this bad in a long time.
thank you for being there you're all true angels x
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Old 11-10-2006, 11:12 AM   #6
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Re: cant take anymore

I don't feel qualified to give advice or anything but just wanted to say that the prospect of a trip would probably send me into bad times, I don't know how you are but I stay close to home all the time, pretty much just going out once a week to the local grocery store...there are some other trips now & then but for the most part that is it. I just don't do well socially or desire too, then there's the paranoia...so anyway thinking about a trip which I did do last year to my sister's in Arkansas, just brings all kinds of trouble on for me personally & I usually end up doing all I can to get out of it. When I do go, like I did last year, even after seeing I made it through okay I'm just as bad the next time. Kind of like a fear of flying I figure, sure I lived through that plane trip, but maybe the next one I take will be the bad one!

 
Old 11-10-2006, 12:35 PM   #7
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Re: cant take anymore

Hi again, sorry to hear you are not well. But you are off to a good start by talking about it. I find it very hard to open up when I feel this bad. I agree with the alcohol thing. I usually only drink a glass of red wine at night if at all. But the other day I had 3 drinks, and I felt the difference, I felt many bad/guilty thoughts running around in my head. I talked to my husband about them. I tried to find a way to get distracted from them when I realized I was being unreasonable, my reality got temporarily distorted. I was fine about an hour after we got home.

I already discussed this with him, I need to be reminded to stop at the second drink and switch to a non-alcoholic drink.
When we go to our usual spot, and everyone is drinking, most of the time I don't feel like drinking, so I order "virgin drinks". They look pretty, they are tasty, and people really don't bug me about it. I discovered that virgin bloody Marys are good, and even somewhat healthier for me in the long run. Have you tried non-alcoholic beer? I don't really care for beer, but my husband liked the near beers he had when we were not allowed alcohol.

To me, distractions are good, so I would actually elect to go on vacation so I can get some fresh air, another perspective, and some distraction. I love being around people, and when I am down, it helps so much to be out and about so I can keep from sinking in a hole and just thinking too much about things.

Well, I hope you feel better, and I also agree with the other post, take things slow, and don't try to think ahead too much.

Keep posting!

Strawberry

 
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