Join Date: Sep 2006
is this bipolar?
Ive been diagnosed schizoaffective and doctors seem to downplay how serious my ocd is, and it is serious I might add.
Ive found out after missing a couple of days of anti-psychotics I felt really sickly scared in my skin kinda thing, and felt compelled to talk incessantly all day with my friends, and "made them sick" though they were joking. and I stayed up all night, I could not sleep and was obsessing all night long, and had to accept that sleep was out of the question.
It was like the sick scared feeling was boosting my anxiety to obsess and not sleep. I tried to sleep when I had finished praying about all my concerns, but upon trying to sleep Id feel scared, and uncomfortable, so Id start up again, concerned about ******** and talking God's ear off.
After I took the 2mgs of risperdal and 150mgs of seroquel I slept after for 15hrs. and I feel pretty good now after another dose the second day after that.
Funny thing is, Ive been an ocd'er since I was 9, and im 37 now, and for 24years, 13 of them being treated for a psychosis/affective disorder, I never got any help for the ocd. It was just 4 years ago I got an anti-depressant that was supposed to help, but my new doctor took me off them, and put me on desyrel, and is changing me from risperdal to seroquel, and stopped my moodstabilizer. He thinks the celexa was doing nothing, and I quite agree, and he thinks the moodstablizer epival was doing squat for me too. and im one 3mgs of ativan a day.
And its a good thing I know a cognitive behavior therapy method to help the ocd or id be bullistic right now.
my doctor prescribed about 2 weeks ago, from 2mgs risperdal to 1mg....and from 150mg seroquel to 300mgs...and the desyrel stayed the same, as well as the ativan.
But what happened? upon being "insecure" as always, I didnt think the seroquel was going to be effective, even though the other prescription was working well. I started to hear "music" playing in my left ear, and the volume in my head was turned up so that brief thoughts were loud here and there, and that freaked me right out. so I go to call the hospital to see what to do, and then I start feeling faint. so I call 911 instead thinking I had an overdose, and a heart attack, and waited for the ambulance only to find out I had a panic attack.
I did research on ocd and symptoms like that, and lo and behold, like I kinda thought, ocd can become ***zarre as in lost insight on the thoughts ergo "delusional"......and ocd has hallucinations which are what I described, and music even playing in your head. And it has an affective side.....ie. depression/elation. I also found out about neurotic pride.
what I know to be was a delusion of grandeur 5 years ago, I was still lost in ocd land, and I knew what I was thinking even though it may have been ***arre, but it all was to feel better about my bloody ocd, and solve all my problems.
But now after last saturday nights insomnia attack, and uncomfortable fear and anxiety, and the compelling need to talk up a storm to feel better, and then I take my anti-psychotics I feel better again.
So my question is what the hell????????? I dont have the typical psychotic symptoms and never had. I knew the difference from the "hallucinations/ocd images" were from my brain, and not some external source. Its my understanding that my ocd circle I was in just continued to get bigger and bigger and then out of control, so much that I lost touch (perhaps insight) as to where I was headed. And I guarantee you, youd be as emotional as I was 5 years ago, and up and down all the time.
My obsessive compulsive friend says I have been delusional and am psychotic, even though I am obsessive compulsive. I know myself to have been really depressed at one moment and then high as a kite the next when something good happened, and irritable when something doesnt go well and then I get depressed again. There are times I'll be in tears, and other times Im joking like a bad ***. And then theres the ocd symptoms I do have that I think got really worse through time cause I got no help.
But the thing is, I know I go bullistic, when im turned on feeling anxious, and scared sick...I'll go on and on and theres no shutting me up. I get no sleep, and I take an anti-psychotic like the risperdal/serquel combo and then Im fine, but it does nothing for the ocd symptoms...
Does anyone knows what gives. Id just like to know if my delusion of grandeur is schizoaffective....or am I just a sucker to ocd and I just dont know it as well as I thought.
Ive given the evidence, what gives?
In own opinion, If my anti-psychotics get rid of that creepy scared feeling that compelles me to obsess even more, and stops me from being more of a blabber mouth than I am now, but then does nothing for my ocd, and I know my own ocd gave me symptoms to panic about over what I thought was ineffective seroquel, but was just ocd up to his old tricks.....which I know better now just to distract myself to turn them off..... Am I really schizoaffective/ and if yes then it would make sense, but Id still need meds for the ocd....but my ocd what if'ing is what if its just ocd like I always thought it was.
Thing is, right now, I feel "turned on" and seem to be pressed now. Everything is just one long concern, and I cant relax. Im gonna take my meds now, and go to bed.....
Does anyone know whats going on? Can a person be both schizoaffective and obsessive compulsive....I know ocd can be diagnosed a psychosis and I can even see why. My doctor thinks I didnt know the difference of my delusion of grandeur, but I can say I did because I believed that stuff so I wouldnt have to be so obsessive compulsive. for me it was to stop the damn intruding thoughts. And why does the anti-psychotics seem to do something for me that I really cant place my finger on except that it stops me from getting creepy scared and uncomfortable to stay up all night and ramble on and on, even during the day too....so insecurely.
See im still doing it now, but its not as bad. I wasnt like this before the med change, I was happyer on 6mgs risperdal and 750mgs of epival, and desyrel, even thought the anxiety from the risperdal was nuts.... and I know to use a cognitive behavioral therapy method to stop obsessing, Id just freaken love to have an effective anti-depressant to control the damn ocd even more.
Shoot, I dont know anything anymore..... but ocd is a ***** and id like something for it.