I'm new here, but I have posted a couple of times. I'm just feeling really sorry for myself right now. I feel ****** off that I have this thing called Bipolar, that I constantly have to monitor my moods and whenever I have any decisions to make I have to question whether I'm currently in the right frame of mind. Because I feel as though I do certain things depending on the mood I'm in, which seems to be different everyday. So one day I will think about whatever and the next day I will feel totally different. So how do I ever make serious decisions, because most likely I will regret it. Then if everything is going really well and I feel great, I can't feel really great as I'll probably end up manic. What's it's like to just have the same mood on a regular basis and not worry how you will feel tomorrow, is that how it is for non Bipolar people. And for some reason I have this fear of what will happen when I get old. Will I just get worse. I don't want to be sick and alone. And if I feel like crying, can't I just cry without thinking I'm going into a big black hole. People do just cry sometimes don't they. Sorry for rambling, I'm trying to think positive, but I just can't right now. Thanks for listening.
Just to tell you you're not alone.
I was diagnosed bipolar 2 1/2 years ago after a full 5 years of hell (ups and downs, it was like the friggin KAMIKAZE ride at a fair). I've been on meds for 2years, mood stabilizers and either anti-depressants or anti-psychotics, depending on little Miss M or D, plus sleeping pills.
I have either good or bad news, whichever applies depends alot on your individual situation.
Bipolar is something you will have to deal with for a long period of time. It usually manifests in teenagers when the hormones are going crazy and body chemistry is absolutely out of whack. I remember being different when I was younger, before puberty, and more sensitive, but never had the mood swings. Those started about 12-13.
It is possible that your situation will calm down over time - i've been told by my doctor that perhaps in middleage things will become less severe. But until then I have to deal with this.
And I know the frustration. Honestly for me knowing I had bipolar wasnt sooo much of a relief, just that now instead of asking "what the dickens (ok i use more colorful language than that) is wrong with me?" I end up being able to objectively blame bipolar. 'Stupid bipolar!' is one of the thoughts I have most often when I'm going through a change. So it is good to know.
As for decisions - if it is essential to make a bigger decision when you know you're in the "danger zone" (and honestly, you are able to start doing that much more easily when you recognize your internal thoughts and feelings, as well as your outward reactions to stimuli - you begin to say, "uh-uh, this is not me, this is not how I'd normally react, or normally feel; if these types of reactions repeat for a week or so I go see my doc - it's better to head them off at the pass instead of falling in fully. Sorry for straying so much from the topic) the best thing to do is talk with someone you trust in a comfortable manner - someone who knows about your bipolar and your history and is level-headed at the time. A dear friend or family member is usually best; I found out after years of fighting her tooth and nail that the best person for me is my mom. They can help you make a good (for you) decision, not hasty, and maybe offer other points of view. This is the best thing to do initially. An understanding psychologist who is willing to be straight with you is also invaluable.
Since I was diagnosed I've changed alot - growing with this is a process - and you do learn to cope with things better. That doesnt mean i like it. I hate it.But I am also in the process of dealing with it, and it comes with time.
Sorry to ramble on like this, I guess most of my advice comes from experience so I needed to explain somethings. Hope it helps a bit. And good luck, this is not a fun thing.But, to give you some perspective, here's a list of some people you might know who are also bipolar:
I was just diagnosed with bipolar II and at first it freaked me out. I had been diagnosed with depression about 2 years ago but none of the medicines ever seemed to work. I went to a psychiatrist that I saw about 8 months ago when I was hospitalized (for depression). We spoke for well over an hour. He asked me if I ever had episodes where I was extremely happy or irritable. I do have those, these are strange, I feel a rush - happy for no reason or mad for no reason. I never thought anything of them because I have a friend who is bipolar and I have heard stories about what mania is like. The episodes I have are not nearly as severe so I never considered I was bipolar. Well the psychiatrist explained what hypomania was. I am hopeful the mood stabilizer (lamictal) will help me. I am upset though, because I always thought the depression could go away but now that I'm apparently bipolar that won't go away. I too felt different in my teen years and would go through ups and downs. At least after reading this board I know I'm not alone!
....What's it's like to just have the same mood on a regular basis and not worry how you will feel tomorrow, is that how it is for non Bipolar people. And for some reason I have this fear of what will happen when I get old. Will I just get worse. I don't want to be sick and alone. And if I feel like crying, can't I just cry without thinking I'm going into a big black hole. People do just cry sometimes don't they.
Muchie : Believe me,alot of "normal people" have changing moods every day. Being bipolar just makes you much more awear of your moods. And that is OK ! I'm 64 years old. Been bipolar for 42 years with 5 major episodes. With Lithium, I have had stability with my moods for 22 years.
So ...I just cry sometimes....because I am happy that I have Stability
You too, can be happy...it just take time to understand your moods