worried_spouse

Hope this doesn't fall on deaf ears, since there hasn't been activity on this thread for a couple of weeks. It was comforting to see that there are other husbands dealing with bipolar wives. My wife was diagnosed with bipolar II, 17 years ago. She was hospitalized 3 times before we met, the last time in March of 1997. Since then, she was very stable on lithium and depakote - nearly 10 years without episode... even during 9/11 when she was in the North Tower!!! She has led a completely normal life - went to college, has prospered professionally. In June of 2006, we decided that we wanted to start a family. Under the supervision of her psychiatrist, she stopped taking depakote and attempted to slowly transition to lamictal. She developed the dreaded lamictal rash and stopped taking it and did not resume depakote b/c of the known issues with pregnancy. Because she was on a relatively low level of meds and given that it had been so long since her last episode, the doctor was okay with staying with lithium. We consulted a high-risk pregnancy Dr. that has experience with bipolar pregnancies. So we were aware of the risks. What we didn't know was that by discontinuing depakote, it would slowly chip away at the stability. Over the course of the next several months, we started having issues in our relationship. And since I had never experienced any bipolar behavior and had no idea that I was missing signs. The next bit of info, I have filled in, after-the-fact. She began to develop an infatuation with a co-worker. I've read and been told that during mania there is a risk of infidelity. I will never know for sure whether it was bipolar or otherwise, but it resulted in an affair. Apparently, she tried to stop it, but he kept pursuing, which fueled her guilt. The guilt kept building and building over the past couple of months. Then in December, we found out that she was pregnant, which should have been a very happy time for us both. The reaction I received was heart-wrenching, because this was something that we had both wanted and now it was clearly not something she wanted. In a matter of 2 days, this led to an acute manic episode which also presented with psychosis. I was forced to hospitalize her. That was a tortuous experience, which I don't hope to repeat any time soon. It was during the hospitalization that I found out everything. Her mother told me not to listen to what she was saying because it wasn't the "truth" per se about how she felt about me. Still, it was probably the most difficult event I have ever experienced. My wife is home now, after 2 weeks in the hospital, but on different meds, due to the pregnancy, which is problematic in itself, since determining therapeutic levels is like finding water with a divining rod. She's on haldol, 10mg/per day, but the akathesia has been intolerable for her. So now she's now scaled back to 5mg. I am beginning to think there is some depression mixed in with her recovery. She has mentioned on several occassions that she feels terrible about what she's put me through. As you can imagine, my range of emotions is wide as it is deep. The bottom line is that I love my wife and want nothing more for her to get better. I'm trying to be strong for her, but I have so much myself to deal with in the wake of everything. Anyway, this is my story.