I wanted to ask for advice on my situation. I am reconciling with my Ex-Husband who is Bi-Polar. Quick background-we were married for 15 years-around the 8th year he was diagnosed with Bipolar, and started on meds, off an on he has gone off his meds, but it seemed manageable. We didn't experience things like super risky behavior, he smoked pot, but he didn't break the law, leave every week-we only separated about 3 times in all. He generally did well. The 15th year, without being on his meds for some time, he was working Snow Removal-early in the morning/night, it required a lot of work and less sleep. He started taking Meth to make him stay awake, I didn't know. I found out after he had been using it for about 2 months, I told him it had to stop or we would divorce. I felt that if we went down that road, I would not win, and he would destroy the family for sure-we have 3 boys. He vowed to stop. I gave him 2 months, he seemed to have stopped but I had no proof, he seemed irritable, but he wasn't on his meds. 2 months later I found evidence of his use, we had a huge blowout, and we separated with my committment to myself to divorce-I had been through soooooo much with him in 15 years. Drugs were a deal breaker for me. I filed for divorce a month later, he fell off the deep end. Became severley addicted to Meth, no treatment for his Bi-polar, didn't see his kids much. He committed some theft and got caught with the Meth. Since that he was sentenced to jail, and served not much time, but got clean a month before he did his time, and has been clean and with probation takes drug tests. He has burned every bridge and wants to stay clean and wants to reunite with me. I Love the man I married, a man who would take his meds, and be drug free. He has stayed with me for 2 weeks since leaving jail. I know him, I know he is drug free, and see a little mania, but nothing angry, just happy to be alive, and happy to be free and drug free. How do I set limitations and make sure those are followed through with in order to reconcile any relationship?
Hi and welcome I commend you for sticking to your guns and allowing your husband to hit rock bottom enough to want to straighten things out for himself. That is the truth of the matter....he must take ownership for his health whether it be physical or mental and just as a diabetic needs his/her insulin your husband is going to need to take the drugs perscribed to him in order to take care of his Bipolar. The street drugs will only lead to other problems such as addictions and will only be a quick fix in taking care of his Bipolar....and often will even make things worse increasing depression and mania. He must realize this and be committed to working with his doctor to take his meds and find the ones that will help balance things out for him.
What can you do?? Well you can set up guidelines such as his seeing a psychiatrist and taking the proper meds perscribed and him giving you permission to be an active participant in his overall treatment. As far as the meth and drug use it is good that probation is involved but you may also tell him that when probation is over that part of his earning trust back will be that he continue to be drug tested until you are confident that he absolutely drug free. He lost your trust and it is his job to earn it back.
You must let him know that there is zero tolerance for his use of drugs other than those that are perscribed. And that it is his job to do exactly what the psychiatrist advises him to do in order to stabilize his Bipolar with the proper meds....it does take time to find the right combo and is not as simple as other conditions where there is one drug of choice that takes care of it. Everyone responds differently to the psychotrophic meds so it is fairly individualized and often takes time and alot of patience to find the ones that will work. Telling him this and encouraging him to want to take charge of his overall mental wellness will be what is most important.
It isn't an easy road but it is far easier when the person who has Bipolar wants to get better and is actively involved in doing so. Do you see your husband wanting to do this for himself??? Because if he really isn't wanting to fell better it will be far more difficult for him to get there.
I say that if your husband is compliant with his meds and treatment then it will be worth sticking with the marriage. You must make it crystal clear that he is the one responsible for staying drug free and taking care of his Bipolar and not ignoring it thinking it will just go away. And if he cannot commit to sticking with the treatment by taking the meds and actively working with his psychiatrist to find the stabilization that he needs that you are not going to stay in the marriage. He needs to give you his best and nothing less.
Welcome again and know that there are many wonderful people here to offer you support and answer any questions or concerns that you may have.
Thanks so much for words of help. It's interesting to me that he would be resolved in kicking his addiction to drugs, but hasn't up until now resolved to get his Bi-polar under control, it slowly withered away at our relationship. He has this issue as alot do with -I don't like feeling dead inside, I don't like not having feelings, and don't like the lack of a little mania-so he goes off of them and as the years go by, he seems to get worse in his illness, and his behavior when not on meds suprises both of us, it's worse every time. He has invited me to get involved with his PO officer, but I worry more about him taking his meds and getting that soldified-he also is starting to say that it will be so hard because he doesn't have insurance, but know that there are state programs that will help. The weird thing is that I want so much to help, because it helps me-I Love him, and it helps our kids. BUT, I am tired and have kinda liked not taking care of everything for him-so that I will have to change and resist the urge to "do it for him". Earning trust is already hard, he has lied soooooo much, so I find myself wanting to trust but being scared that the same thing will happen as always, we'll get close enough, just to have him go into mania and destroy that trust once again. Patience gets a little thin when you have put so much energy into this person and wake up and realize that many other things that deserved your attention are left by the wayside, and now you kick yourself for it, blame yourself for it etc. I really see him wanting to get better, he says it all of the time, but when he's manic and mad, that all goes out the door. We've talked about the dealbreakers for me, Drugs, Mental Healthiness, Dishonesty. Let me also just say, he is a wonderful man, charismatic, smart, and our relationship has been better than many I read about-but when he fell, he fell hard. I am very afraid of doing the things that he invites me to do, to get involved and then when he has a manic moment him turning to me and saying-back off, mind your own business, you are pushing me etc. My friends have all but said don't come cryin' to me. Funny thing as well is that I have anxiety, I take meds, always, have a good long-term job, honest, never gotten in trouble with the law, no drugs ever. I expect that if I can do it he can. I've learned that encouragement is the only thing that works and if he won't, then I have to take care of my childrens needs, then my needs and someone out there is good for me. It's hard to put all of that logical thought away in place of my emotions of love.
Hi.... I'm new....but I saw your post and decided to jump in.
I'm a 42 year old bipolar man .... with 2 children. My suggestion is this. You DON'T allow him to move in for now..... maybe 2 years ... maybe more. You expect him to get his life together as an individual without you first......
That means he gets the meds right.... (I hate the flat feeling also.... fortunately I've balanced until I'm mostly OK)....
.....he gets some form of income.....and engages in meaningful and healthy work and activity....
...he builds some form of support network... whether that be friends, family, help groups, internet....combination
....and he shows that together your life will be better, not worse...
During that time, you keep YOUR life intact.... you can work on rebuilding your friendship and trust...... and listen to what your heart is telling you. Believe actions not words.... and make that clear.
Wow, that's a hard one, making him move out at this point might make him mad. He also is deciding to pay his child support, and the only reason he isn't running from that is that he is staying with me, and when they take 50% of his paychecks he won't suffer if he is living with me, has access to my car, etc. I would be afraid that if he didn't have a place to live he might just go back into the problems he had before-eeek this is hard. If he succeeds so do we all. Can he learn independence and responsibility even though he's with me, in my home, contributing money, raising the kids, doing well with his job, mental health? It seems as though he did that before, and it didn't keep him from falling over the edge, so I am confused, and feel damned if I do and damned if I don't. I guess long term throwing the baby bird out of the nest can only benefit him??? Better now than end up without him in the end??? But at the same time, if he faulters, we could then agree that he get his own place? or when he gets more stable with money, just naturally agree to trying to have 2 locations??? I don't know, I am confused.
I commend you for sticking to your guns and allowing your husband to hit rock bottom enough to want to straighten things out for himself. That is the truth of the matter....he must take ownership for his health whether it be physical or mental and just as a diabetic needs his/her insulin your husband is going to need to take the drugs perscribed to him in order to take care of his Bipolar. The street drugs will only lead to other problems such as addictions and will only be a quick fix in taking care of his Bipolar....and often will even make things worse increasing depression and mania. He must realize this and be committed to working with his doctor to take his meds and find the ones that will help balance things out for him.
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