why do i hurt the one i love the most? - Bipolar Disorder Message Board

alberta24 · 12-21-2006, 12:50 PM

I was diagnosed almost a year ago with BP II. I did therapy from Jan to May when I stopped bc I felt I was doing so well. I got engaged in the summer to the most wonderful man (who has seen me through a very difficult 3 years) and I finally felt alive. I continued on with my psychiatrist (but not the therapist) and medicine and while I have had some bad times and hurt him, for the most part I was doing very well. Recently I have been forgetting sometimes to take my medicine.

Last night I drank way too much at a bar after a holiday party. When we got home I suddenly lost control and told him a very hurtful secret. And then proceeded to accuse him of cheating (he is not) and then asked him to leave me. I went from saying I didn't need him to saying I felt he needed to leave bc he deserved better. Through everything he was nothing but loving and forgiving. To be honest I blacked out some things.

I can not be so forgiving of myself. How could I do this AGAIN to the man I love the most? While I have not been feeling my best lately I still never would have imagined the hurtful rage that I produced last night. I called my therapist this morning to ask to come back regularly and I am not drinking like that again. I think deep down I fear that as much love as he has he will eventually not be able to deal with me. I think I feel when I drink (which isn't often by the way) that we are both better off if he leaves now.

I know that "sorry" is not enough anymore. But how do I ease the hurt that I caused? How can I make him know how much he means to me and how serious I am about never hurting him again? He says it is fine and he loves me, but after the things I said I can not understand how.

jewelies · 12-21-2006, 02:01 PM

I wish I had some good advice for you on this, but I happen to be on the receiving end of this kind of thing. I know this, that when I drink I sometimes do things that I normally wouldn't (given) but it's weird to me how my Ex-Husband could always lose that control so much more in a big way and then when he analyzes it he says he really didn't mean those things. My only guess is this that knowing him, and knowing BP, it seems that everything he does and feels is in a bigger and more exagerrated(sp?) way. That leads me to believe that maybe the same thing happens with anything else-I used to get very frusterated at his "lack of control". What we have done is he does not drink to oblivion, and if he does get too drunk, I have the mindset that he might get too overboard with emotions and feelings. If he gets too nasty, I calmly remove myself from him, usually he'll them fall asleep. If he pursues me to get on my case and release some anger or whatever, I ask him to write it down so I can understand-distraction I guess. If all of that doesn't work then I listen, but with the TV on or something so I can distract myself. I realized that with BP these things will happen, and I am strong enough to either live with it or not. He on the other hand has made great efforts, to control his impulses, and when he doesn't, he does apologize, and I let him make it up to me-I guess after time we accept it-I know he loves me, and that rarely when he is nasty he is struggling. I watched a Public show on Alzheimers, and strangley enough, people advanced in the disease exhibit the same kinds of behavior-one minute calm and know who you are, and you know them, and the next minute they take a swing at you, and don't know who you are, and are quite nasty to you. The people taking care of these patients, take it in stride-I guess that's all you can do, I wish I had a better answer.

tsohl · 12-21-2006, 02:08 PM

Hello Alberta,

I am not bipolar myself so I can't speak to what caused you to do this. However I have a couple suggestions. First I would tell him pretty much what you wrote on here and then I would see if he'd be willing to go to therapy with you, and treat it as "couples' therapy" not that he's sitting in on your session. If he is going to be in a long-term relationship with you, he needs to understand about bipolar disorder and what he's going to be confronting as he lives with you and your moods. I get the feeling that this is all rather new to you, too. I think you found out that you can't stop taking your meds because you are feeling better. Also it can be dangerous to drink while taking meds. The alcohol affects the way the meds work in your body. It can also exascerbate the mania or depression. If you don't have an issue with alcohol you might want to think about just not drinking at all. Then you have one less thing to worry about. I used to drink a lot and couldn't really imagine life without drinking, but let me assure you, it is good! You can still go to bars and parties and enjoy the "situation" just as much.

If you read through the threads on this board you will see that there are a number of people who post regularly that are in a relationship with a bipolar partner/spouse. It sounds like you are asking the right questions early enough in the relationship that you should be able to work out ways of communicating that will allow your relationship to flourish.

It sounds like maybe you and your fiance need to learn more about bipolar disorder. Hopefully you will both learn from this experience and can build on it.

I'm sure others will post with some good suggestions for you and how to deal with this situation. Good luck. Tsohl

cstep · 12-21-2006, 02:12 PM

I am in a similar situation-I have been with my boyfriend for almost seven years-I was diagnosed with bipolar type 2 a year ago. He is also very supportive. I have also said many things to him that I regret. Your right sorry does seem so insufficient for some things we can say-and we really didn't mean to say them! They just sort of fall out like diareah of the mouth. I usually try to talk to him about it the next day-I also try to not make it sound like the usual bs apology. The best thing you can do is to stear clear of drinking as much as possible, and try your best to remember to take your meds-maybe ask your fiance to help you remember, tell him that your try very hard to continue to get help, but you forget sometimes. Also, keep in touch with your psychiatrist closely-don't hesitate to call at anytime when you start to feel a mood shift, a slite medication change could make a world of difference! Since our men in our lives seem to be very supportive of us, it should give us that more of a reason to keep on our meds and doing our treatment-to give them as close to a normal girfriend/wife that we can be. He obviously loves you dearly and he knows he's in for some ups and down and seems prepared. I also think couple thearpy could help greatly-and give hime tips on how to handle you if you have and episode. best of luck!

alberta24 · 12-21-2006, 02:17 PM

Thank you both for responding. You are right, this is still so new to me and I need to learn to deal with this. Drinking to oblivion has resulted in some very bad explosions from me in my past. While it is not something that happens often, it has happened, and every time it has I can not believe how I acted the next day.
But now that I know what it is that I am dealing with I need to take responsibility. I truly do love him more then I ever thought I could. He is truly amazing and I just want to get better and to treat him the way he deserves to be treated.