Hopeless - Bipolar Disorder Message Board

marzmazingmaze · 12-22-2006, 08:59 PM

I'm having a very hard time with this christmas season. The only father figure I had passed away leaving us in a huge bind...and my mother is going through cancer herself. These events have brought out some of the most violent behavior I have ever experienced with myself. When I was younger i was told by a psychiatrist that I was bi-polar....or manic depressive....and I hate the idea of medication it made me so sick...and "zombiefied" so to say. So I quit taking them, and tried to just "fix" myself. But now I feel myself unable to cope and control myself... I feel as if I'm at the edge of a cliff...dangling....slipping slowly. I have no friends...I can't seem to keep a job for some stupid reason....and my only hobbie (writing) has lost interest to me. I'm trying to get help....but unfortunately because of lack of insurance I'm on a 2 month waiting list. I'm desperate for help....my life is falling apart. Depression is definately something I have always struggled with...and I have a sever temper which causes me to have violent outbursts that I cannot control...at times i black out. i dont want to be this person anymore. I dont want to hurt my family in such a manner. I stumbled apon this page and am writing in hope that someone will understand me and perhaps give me some words of hope or advice. Thanks for listening....

blauermonday · 12-22-2006, 09:02 PM

Please, please hang in there!
I was as deep as you, so I know there is hope, time will get you through the fire. There are so many of us here to care about you. Wait for them to chime in!

marzmazingmaze · 12-22-2006, 09:15 PM

wow...i wasnt expecting a response so quick...I'm just having a hard time bringing myself out of this....But thanks its nice to know someone is there to listen

goody2shuz · 12-22-2006, 09:24 PM

Hi, MMM (sorry that name is alot to type

) Like BM (oops that is not the best abbreviation

My apologies Blau

) says.....things will not stay this way and as bad as things may seem today there is always hope for a better tomorrow.

Losses and stress will trigger Bipolar and it seems to be the case with you. I am glad that you are seeking out the help that you may need....the holidays are difficult enough without depression creeping in.

If you find that you cannot wait the 2 months out you may want to look into a hospitalization where they can find the right meds to get you through this. You will know if that is necessary so PLEASE do not be afraid to get the help that you may need. I know you do not want to succumb to the behavior that is taking over...with Bipolar it is sometimes out of your control until you are taking the proper medication. Please do not be afraid of the meds....there are plenty of new ones out there that will not "zombie" you out.....and in most cases even if they do in the beginning....if you give them a few weeks your body will adjust. Every person will react differently to the meds and one that works for one will not necessarily work for another. That is the hardest part of this whole thing....finding the right meds.

Lamictal seems to be a great med that addresses both the manic and depressive components of Bipolar and has a wonderful side effect profile. My daughter is on it and is still slowly increasing to the right dosage so that she doesn't develop a rash (which is the worst side effect which can be avoided by slowly introducing the med). So far so good!! So perhaps that may be one that you may have some luck with.

Like said.....there are so many new meds out there. IT is so important that you come to the realization that without meds Bipolar will only worsten. And with the right meds you can lead a very fulfilling life. So give yourself a Christmas gift this year by committing yourself to wanting to feel better by going to the psychiatrist and working with him to find the right med combo to make you feel better. Things can only get better if you do.

Please let us know how you are doing and hang in there.

(((HUGS))) ~ Goody

blauermonday · 12-22-2006, 09:31 PM

M3,

Goody is right about the hospitalization. I came to a point where I had to, and was glad I did after even though it was so scary a choice to make.
I have been on more than a handful of med combos, but my doc did find a combo where I could be lucid and feel like me. It is possible.

It sounds like you are in a melancholia depression, the kind that is so deep you lost interest in your writing. Because of that, I feel you need to talk to somebody now, not wait the 2 months. Would you consider calling a hotline or such? And what meds have you tried already? Maybe us cyber brothers and sisters can help you identify some new combos to try.

I am just so glad you have found the boards and written.