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Old 01-14-2007, 05:52 PM   #1
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libragirl76 HB User
Sorry to keep posting lately but its all falling apart..

Hello again...

Ok I dont know what is wrong with me. I know that by me being on Lamitcal for a year now my angur has gotten better but today when my husband and I were arguing he said something to me and I than realized it may be true. He told me that I am still rude and mean to him and the kids even if I am not in one of my spells. We were arguing and it was brought up that it may be best if we just separate and than the worst came. He said that he will have the kids because they already told him that if we divorced they want to come and live with him. That was like someone took a knife and drove it in my heart. I always thought it would be 50/50 and he is a wonderful father but I never realized they would say that. My husband saw my face and he said its just because of what I put everyone through and also because I was in the hospital. I could see he wasnt lying to just hurt me and I know I yell sometimes but I NEVER SPANK because I saw abuse growing up. They are my world and all I do is for them!!!

I have done all i know to do. Why is my life falling apart? What am I doing wrong? Why does it have to be so hard? I know life is life and no matter what we will have ups and downs but do you all ever feel that you are doing better and tell your pdoc that but everyone around you say differently? So what should I believe? I look around and see my life falling apart so maybe what I feel is wrong.......I pushed the ones I love the most away and I am trying so hard!!!

 
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Old 01-15-2007, 06:57 AM   #2
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Re: Sorry to keep posting lately but its all falling apart..

I wish I had some good words of advice here : / The best thing I can think of is keep pushing and doing your best! We are all going to have awful things happen around us, and it definitely is hard to deal with those things since we are already dealing with ourselves. But just because everything isn't right around doesn't necessarily mean you are wrong. Just keep caring for yourself and your family as best you can *hug*

 
Old 01-15-2007, 08:13 AM   #3
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tsohl HB User
Re: Sorry to keep posting lately but its all falling apart..

I went back and read through some of your posts from last week. You are under so much stress that even the most balanced person on earth would be having difficulty dealing with all of it. In your case, having been hospitalized in October, you are still in the process of becoming stable; you and your pdoc are still hunting for that right mix of drugs that will allow you to attain stability and return you to good health. I know in my son's case, his pdoc would try one drug at a time. Every month he would try a different one, so he was constantly starting all over again. He finally switched to a different pdoc who had the reputation of being very good with pharmacology. He started combining drugs which also involved months of trial and error...but it was worth it. It was that tweaking that finally allowed my son to get his life back.

In your other threads, you talked about having to work so much because you made more than your husband and you needed your paycheck to make all the payments. I hope your husband understands that by moving out and taking the kids with him, there will now be two households to support and pretty much double the expenses. Finances aside, perhaps you would be able to recover if your husband had all the responsibility for the kids, and you could just look after yourself for now. The most important thing right now is for you to take care of yourself. I can tell you are trying hard to make some positive changes. Kudos for losing 32 pounds, and doing it in a sensible, healthy way!! Often things look very bleak, but remember, nothing is forever.
Life is continually changing and evoloving. If you continue to take good care of yourself and work with your pdoc and therapist, you will get stronger and healthier. Your family will notice the change....and who knows what the future holds??

 
Old 01-15-2007, 10:18 AM   #4
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Lanugo HB User
Re: Sorry to keep posting lately but its all falling apart..

I'm in such a similar situation. The husband, the kid, the husbands comments etc. I do believe that because my husband expects me to be mean to him now he can't just brush off things that I say, even jokes (maybe they're bad ones!). I always thought that other people were just too sensitive and I still believe my husband is.

Anyway, he can't just say that your 'mean to him' because how can you try to change if you don't get the specifics?

All the best. Marriage is the hardest thing I've ever done, hope you come to find it easier than me!

SJ xx

 
Old 01-15-2007, 12:08 PM   #5
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Re: Sorry to keep posting lately but its all falling apart..

I know marriage is so hard......he says i dont have any friends except for "my internet ones." I look around and I guess I dont. But honestly all I am not a mean person I am the one that gets too sensitive and crys if someone says a mean thing to me. I dont know.

Tsohl-What is it that your son is on now?

I believe now that i just thought all this time I could pop a pill and go on with my life like before and realize that I REALLY need to make a lot of changes. I am working hard and my family has always been my #1 priority and I realize now we all have to work hard even with meds. With God, therapy, family (and in my case even if they are not supporitive), and your inner strength.

I love you all....

 
Old 01-15-2007, 12:26 PM   #6
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tsohl HB User
Re: Sorry to keep posting lately but its all falling apart..

Hi Libragirl,

I'm a Libra girl, too, as is my daughter...children of the moon....Anyway, I don't quite see when you'd have time to have friends of your own!

My 25-year old son is on lithium, lamictol, tegretol and he was on effexor too, but I think it got dropped. He has been stable for over 18 months, after struggling to find the "right mix" of meds for about 4 years. Lithium is the constant, old work-horse and the other meds fine-tuned his various moods.

 
Old 01-15-2007, 05:05 PM   #7
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Re: Sorry to keep posting lately but its all falling apart..

Hey libragirl,
I just wanted to send my support too. I know how you feel, my first husband made me feel like i was a mental patient and always tried to use the kids against me, i love my kids more than anything so it nearly destroyed me,so i know how you feel.
Listen to the words of encouragement- shineon had a good point- just because everything around you seems wrong doesnt MEAN YOUR WRONG! theres alot truth in that. I always feel that way and its not so. listen to tsohl she knows what shes talking about take good care of yourself and they will take notice. gee i should take this advice Ha!
You hang in there girl with GOD you can do anything!
Big Hug! tee

 
Old 01-16-2007, 02:55 PM   #8
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Re: Sorry to keep posting lately but its all falling apart..

Thanks everyone! I should think like that huh? Just because things around me are all falling apart doesnt me I am.....I guess I always think the opposite. Today is our 8 year anniversary and my hubby was real sweet he knows how to make those gift basket. (he would kill me if I told anyone, with the wrap and all) So he got me my favorite stuff and made me a basket. I cried because I wasnt excpecting it so today was the first day I woke up not so depressed.....it is because i have been on abilify for 2 days or the basket? Who knows? But I will enjoy......Thanks!

 
Old 01-16-2007, 04:05 PM   #9
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Re: Sorry to keep posting lately but its all falling apart..

Awwwww....Happy Anniversary, Libragirl!!! That's really nice that your hubby remembered you in such a thoughtful way.

I don't want you to take this the wrong way but I know that my daughter often misinterprets things and takes them to mean something that is happening or occurring that may not be necessarily the intentions of others. I have read that this is common in somebody who is Bipolar, that because of the chemical imbalance within the area of the brain where one's emotions lie, often what happens is something that somebody says or even just the body language of another person may be totally misinterpreted and then is internalized and translated to be something that wasn't even what the other person intended at all. And then there is a reaction that comes from that which ends up having the two parties in a disagreement that is based upon something that never really was intended by the other party. I will be honest with you, this happens alot with my daughter and often there is no way that I can convince her otherwise that I didn't say, mean or do what she swears that I did. This still happens and it really is hard from my end to be accused of something that I know I didn't do or say. She sometimes only hears a part of something and it becomes whatever she wants to interpret it as. This has caused alot of arguments and painful interactions in our relationship.

Do you think that perhaps this happens within your interactions with your husband and children??? I know that my daughter doesn't mean for this to occur but it does and although the meds seem to help quite a bit with this, there is still some to work out in therapy like her coming to the realization that her condition does make her more apt to misinterpret things than usual which may lead to problems when relating with others and perhaps learning a way in which she may prevent this from happening before it actually affects or damages the relationship she has with others. I think that with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy this can definitely be something that can improve. I am sharing this with you so that perhaps you may find it applies to you as well. I know how much your family means to you and perhaps without your even knowing this may be something that is happening that you can fix.

Well....I hope that the things in your basket continue to lift your spirits and most of all show you that you do mean alot to your husband because he did remember you on this special day.

(((HUGS))) ~ Goody

 
Old 01-16-2007, 07:38 PM   #10
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Re: Sorry to keep posting lately but its all falling apart..

Hey goody,
I just had to write,i just read your post and it freaked me out. you were writing about me. Thats how ive lived my whole life , people had to walk on egg shells around me because the never knew if i would take it wrong what they said too me or not. It just kinda opened my eyes to the way ive been, how horrible that must be for people to whatch everything they say around me. wow! thanks for the interesting reading! tee

 
Old 01-16-2007, 08:56 PM   #11
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Re: Sorry to keep posting lately but its all falling apart..

I'm glad it helped, Tee!! I am always sensitive to what I post here knowing how something may offend another without my actually meaning to do so. I learned this from my daughter. I often tell her how important that she work on this because I don't want her having problems in her relationships in the future whether it be with friends, employers, teachers, boyfriends or anybody she intends on having a close relationship with.

Once she realizes that this is part of being Bipolar I am hoping that she will want to work on it so that she can learn ways in which she can change her reactions to things so that it won't hurt her in the future. I notice that the thing that is affected mostly when somebody is Bipolar is their relationship with other people. I believe that if somebody recognizes and identifies a weakness that they can work on changing it so that it is strengthened and more managed within their life. I think that most of us can overcome something once we identify what it is and how it most affects us.

I hope that you know that you have the power to change things and make them better.....you just have to want it enough.

(((HUGS))) ~ Goody

 
Old 01-17-2007, 12:19 PM   #12
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Re: Sorry to keep posting lately but its all falling apart..

Hey goody,
You got that right!!!! I guess when your a certain way all your life and have not been taught any different thats just what you do.
This last year my eyes have been really opened to the things i dont like about myself and you really hit the big one on the most one i dont like about myself. RELATIONSHIPS! But at least now i know what i do wrong i just have to really work on it and i want too .
Its just really hard,your one way for sooooo long and to try and change
boy thats going to take awhile. But I am so proud of you for the way you are with your daughter shes got a fighting chance.
All mothers need to support there children the way you do your daughter.Because they the children would find things in life alot easier to deal with,with the support of their parents. Im sorry for rattling on, sometimes i do that when i get excited about something.
Anyways,thanks so much for listening and God bless you! tee

 
Old 01-17-2007, 09:57 PM   #13
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Re: Sorry to keep posting lately but its all falling apart..

Hi Goody...

I believe your post to be 100% correct. I am told that I take things the wrong way all the time by alot of people especially my family and for sure my husband. There will be times I feel that even the way they looked at me or end a conversation that they did something wrong or that maybe I felt I did something wrong. So I will call them back and they will deny it so the argument is on. Which they will say they did not mean any harm but like you said no matter what they say I will believe otherwise. Your daughter is very lucky to you have you because you are a very supportive and loving mother to learn and do what you are doing. Which kills me what I do to my own children because I mean no harm, honest. Teresa had brought up a good point about how we are a certain way all of our lives. I just talked to my counselor about that tonight because my mother was bipolar but refused meds (and still refuses all the right meds today) and it was VERY hard for me growing up because I knew something wastnt right with her. She was emotional abusive and so everything out of her mouth was hateful and screaming to all of us so I think that may be where mine is coming from;a learned behavoir....
But i am going to work hard to stop it for my kids sake..... Thank you!

 
Old 01-17-2007, 10:04 PM   #14
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Re: Sorry to keep posting lately but its all falling apart..

Hi Libra,

Alot of the way you relate to your kids is learned behavior...you are right about that. But self-awareness is half the battle. As you become aware of how you are speaking to them, you then have the power to change, if that's something you want to do!! Life is full of possibilities and we all have the ability to change!! What a blessing! Take care of yourself!! Tsohl

 
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