I'm so frustrated. I love my mom, I hate my mom. How can she be so horribly mean to her kids? My brother and I are both grown adults, but can't seem to let her words slide off our backs. Even after 20 years of verbal/emotional abuse, it still breaks my heart everytime she verbally attacks us. I know it's an illness, I know she says things she doesn't mean (or does she?), I know she loves us, I know what a nice person she can be. How can she not apologize? Why why why???? Why can she be so mean to me, but can keep it together for 10 hours at a time while she's at work? How can she destroy family heirlooms and not think twice about it? Other BP's, do you act this way? Do you apologize for what you've done? Do you only act up around your family? Sometimes I feel like it's all an act and she's just a coniving b**ch who doesn't care about anything or anyone but herself. I want to shake her and scream at her and tell her I hate her..... But then..... I can't be that mean and hurt her feelings....
I feel for you as I have 4 precious angels that are all under the age of 13 that are going to have to deal with exactly what you've endured for so many years. My wife and half her family are unmedicated BP's. I wish this nightmare on no one. After 8 years in this tornado I finanly had to throw in the towel and divorce is pending. My kids can't divorce her or the family and that's the sad part because they will suffer the for years to come wondering the same things you are after 20 years.
My 13 year step daughter is really confronting her this time around but she seems to care little when manic. It is an illness but BP's just like anyone else in life must take responsibility for their disorder and the very destructive behavior that comes with it. It sad but many kids also end up divorcing the parent as they get older. With me gone now the kids are getting the brunt of her mania. To make things worse my 11 year old step daughter appears to have BP hands down. My wife and my 11 yr old are bouncing off each other every other minute and it's very chaotic for the other 3.
Responsibilty is the name of the game and until your mother and my wife accept responsibility for there actions little can be done to handle the constant abuse but to distance yourself and set boundaries. I feel for you and hope your mother sees the light one of these days. I hate the thought of my 3 year old writing your same post 20 years down the line. I remember you telling me in my own thread that your father has been to hell and back for 35 years. I just couldn't imagine going through it for that long. He deserves a gold medal for basically sacrificing his life.
God Bless...........U&A
__________________
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference".
Last edited by Used&Abused; 02-06-2007 at 11:28 AM.
I'm so frustrated. I love my mom, I hate my mom. How can she be so horribly mean to her kids? My brother and I are both grown adults, but can't seem to let her words slide off our backs. Even after 20 years of verbal/emotional abuse, it still breaks my heart everytime she verbally attacks us. I know it's an illness, I know she says things she doesn't mean (or does she?), I know she loves us, I know what a nice person she can be. How can she not apologize? Why why why???? Why can she be so mean to me, but can keep it together for 10 hours at a time while she's at work? How can she destroy family heirlooms and not think twice about it? Other BP's, do you act this way? Do you apologize for what you've done? Do you only act up around your family? Sometimes I feel like it's all an act and she's just a coniving b**ch who doesn't care about anything or anyone but herself. I want to shake her and scream at her and tell her I hate her..... But then..... I can't be that mean and hurt her feelings....
I am so sorry for your pain. We don't mean it. I have watched the pain on my kids faces after I have done something I cannot control. Especially before I was medicated when no one really new what was wrong with me. I will never, ever be able to take this rage back and way too often I have to think of it. The guilt is enough to make me want to jump off a cliff. I grew up with mental illness and alot of mental and physical abuse and I know pain of the receiving and giving end of mental illness. I know the guilt of hurting people you love and not at all being able to stop it. I can go to doc and take pills but that takes a long time and most of the time years of trial and error. Docs can be stupid and pills give you horrible side effects and most of the time dont seem to be worth it. Some how we press on, most of us any way. Why is mental illness leading cause of suicide? Because the pain inside we feel and cannot escape. I wish for one day, especially now, this last year has been horrible for me, I could wake up and not be full of rage and want to die. I would give up 10 years of my life (even more) to be happy for a little while and not put pain in someone's heart that I love dearly. I am sorry for all the pain we cause but we cannot help it or I think we would try a little harder. Even if we refuse to take pills, we probably have a real good reason. I have taken pills for years and now I am in hell and sometimes I know that some of them cause some of alot of my instability. If we choose alchohol, then we are trying to deaden the pain. We if scream, we are so full of rage, we do not know what else to do or have now control over it. So the reason we are so mean is because that is part of the illness, why are diabetic's sugar unstable, because it is part of the illness.
leasayrna, I am trying so hard to understand what you said about "not being able to control the rage". So many times I have wondered why my husband can control it at work and around others but not with me. It makes a person think it can be controlled so I am asking you what the difference is? Some of my family think I am nuts because they have never seen the totally out of control rage that he has. I cannot even describe it it is so intense. It is almost like they dont believe me because he controls it in front of them. Can you control it with certain people? If so how? I really would like to understand.
That was so very true in my case also. She could be nice as could be once she walk out the front door but minutes before I was the most evil person alive. This not only happened with me but was exactly the same for her ex-husband who I'm friends with. I guess some BP's consistantly take it all out on the one closest to them which is the spouse. Although, now that I'm gone the kids are getting it but they are the next closest thing to her compared to me. Everyone is a target but my wife starts with the one she loved with all her heart just days before.
God Bless..........U&A
__________________
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference".
BP's, why are you so mean? 
Linear Mode
