Hi everyone, hope your all doing better than me.
It's been a while since I last posted. Basically it was because I was doing well. But the last few days have been awful, having panic attacks and thoughts of self harm and suicide.
Anyway not going into too much detail but last night I gave in to the urges. At first I got the same 'high' release feeling I got before, but then I ended up feeling really light headed and had to sit on the bathroom floor with my head between my knees. Suddenly I realised just what a mess I had become. I felt a complete failure and so guilty for having cut again and so had the strongest urge to commit suicide that i'd ever had. It really scared me. I managed to force myself back to bed and cried myself to sleep.
I live with my mum and she's been so supportive but she's been really happy recently because she thinks I'm getting better. Which I was...
Now I don't know what to do. During the day I can usually cope better, but it seems that come evening time my emotions just take over and it's so overwhelming. Does anyone else get this?
So today I woke up and (as usual) am trying to act like nothing happened last night. But I'm scared that by tonight it might happen again. What do I do?
Sweetie, I don't know anything about cutting yourself or the relief you feel after you've done this, but please, please stop. You sound like you need help desperately before you hurt yourself so badly that there is no turning back. Please don't give into this! You can overcome this! You can do it, but not on your own! Please seek help, don't worry about dissappointing your mom. She would rather see you get help and get better than finding you lying on the bathroom floor dead. She needs to know that you aren't well. She can help you find somebody that can help you. She loves you for who you are, hiding your illness will only make it worse. Please please please see a doctor today or go to en emergency room. Remember, your mom loves you for you and wants you to live and to be honest with her. I can only imagine the pain you are in. Please confide in your mom and seek help. I'm praying for you and sending love your way.
hey cutting not good i have scars to remind me for the rest of my life plus the threapy i had to go it help maby if you talk about what goes on in your mind and how it make you feel it better. b/c i have an aneixty problem and every time when i see no way i find somthing o\else to do like read draw or get on the computer.
hello! i think that you should try not to be so hard on yourself. remember, it happens to a lot of people whether it is drinking, cutting, dieting, porn any any any bad behavior (not sure if bad behavior or addiction is the word or what).
in any program, any anything where you try and change a behavior, they are always telling you that you may fall off the wagon. it is how you choose to feel about it is what you can control. it is natural. be forgiving to yourself.
don't beat yourself up. it happens. you probably know what is best for you and that might be finding help or telling your mother. hopefully, she will be able to offer a shoulder and encourage you to hang in there.
Ok so here I am again.
I managed to talk to my mum and she phoned my pdoc for me but he is reluctant to change any of my meds yet as I'm only 19 and already on three different meds. He's worried about using all his options up and leaving nothing left to try and as it's only been 3 weeks on this new med Mirtazapine (Zispin) he wants to wait a little longer before messing with them again.
As for me, I was having an ok day up until a couple of hours ago.
I hate this illness so much and because of it I hate myself. I just want to wither away and be forgotten.
Has anyone ever found themselves extremely annoyed with loved ones for loving you? Because one, inside you don't believe you deserve it, and two, it's their fault you can't just take your own life. I feel VERY bad for saying this but this is how I feel at times like these.
Does anyone else get this or am I just really messed up and bad for even suggesting this?
Yes, I have felt that way where I hate the fact that ppl around me love me, b/c I do not feel I deserve it, yet at the same time they are the very reason I cld not end it... I was a cutter when I was younger, I wish my mom wld hv gotten me help then tht way I wld not hv to be handling it now at 36, My husband and I were in a serious accident a week after our wedding, and I was seriously injured, I wish I didn't survive but I did. I know hv to deal w/ everything from my youth before I can move on to dealing w/ the trauma of the accident. I'm BP, ADD, aniexty, PTSS. These were diagnosed well before the accident but now they are just more comlicated... but if I can do it so can you.... Good Luck... Keep your chin up and take it on day at a time....
Please, I need help 
